Tag Archives: weight

I Am Chronically Unacceptable

I don’t like talking about romantic relationships. I find it a particularly unpleasant, uncomfortable topic. I won’t talk to most of my friends most of the time about my relationships because I can sense they don’t care, or they care up to a point–i.e. the “how we met” kind of details vs the “I’m having problems/need advice/feel hurt” type of stuff. They don’t want to hear the latter, which is all I have to talk about 95% of the time when it comes to relationships. I won’t talk to them about my lack of relationships because I know that they will poo poo the negativity, i.e. the “I will never find anyone”s and the “love is bullschitt”s. And I don’t like talking or hearing about other people’s relationships, especially if they’re happy. That’s just the truth. Keep your happy coupledom over there.

Now that I have work friends–another female has joined the mix after she walked over to me and Clara last week, told us we’re having too much fun and that she wants in on it (the adult version of “can I be friends with you?”)–I am getting badgered about why I say I am never getting married and tortured hearing about Clara’s boyfriend. That started last week. And then this past weekend, I made the mistake of stumbling across all this schitt that underscored just how unlikely it is that I will ever get married.

Dating and relationships are tough all around. I am exposed enough to the straight world to know it’s tough for a lot of straight people. It’s just a tough thing. But think about what it must be like, first of all, for gays and lesbians, who are dealing with a limited pool with somewhere between 5 and 10% of the population being gay/lesbian. And then throw being black on top of it, especially a black woman–the population that has the toughest time dating. And now I am in, I’d say, the two toughest populations when it comes to dating.

If you ever do an internet search on black lesbians and dating, you’ll probably run across a few blogs. Two of them are just…maddening bullschitt. Not going to name names, put links or anything like that. Not trying to start trouble, and I don’t waste time arguing with narrowminded people because…you might as well just find a nice, sturdy wall and yell at it. Could be because it’s that time of the month, but they pissed me off when normally I don’t get pissed outside of sports. What pissed me off is in these two blogs, black lesbians bash black lesbians. What makes me laugh is then these two b!tches wonder why they have such a hard time finding the right woman. One of them actually claims to want a black lesbian while the other one seems caught between wanting a black lesbian and being, like, a lesbian Tiger Woods. But neither get why they can’t find that right black woman. Wait, that’s not quite right–they think they can’t find that right black woman because, essentially, 99% of black lesbians aren’t good enough for them.

I don’t spend time in the LGBT community, although I have tried to do that in the past. But one thing I’ve noticed is several black lesbians are a cross between men and straight black women when it comes to the way they talk about what they want in a mate and why they reject others. I often find straight black women as snobbish and unrealistic [for them, not for all women–but considering black women aren’t on an even playing field with other women due to society’s ignorance, yes, unfortunately, unrealistic for them] with their standards. That’s not to say everything on their list is snobbish or unrealistic, but some of it is and then they wonder why they can’t find the man they want. More on that in a second.

As far as the comparison to men, what’s most notable and, perhaps, most disappointing is just the way some black lesbians describe other black women/lesbians with the tone of “you don’t match what I’m looking for; therefore, something is wrong with you” vs simply “that’s not my thing.” I feel like men indirectly send messages to women that because they’re not this, that or the other, there’s something wrong with them. That’s where a lot of our sex/gender inequality and women’s low self-esteem compared to men has come from, and, yet, we have a group of women doing this same thing to women.

One thing I notice the more snobbish, “you’re not this way, so something’s wrong with you” black lesbians always love to do is proclaim how intelligent and/or educated they are. I…????? Like, so? These women, straight and lesbian, are always talking about how black women are looking for someone on their level but they’re going to have a hard time finding it in another black person. I graduated from top-ranked universities, got a professional degree. Let me tell you–intelligence and education don’t have to come from school. Just because I attended elite schools and earned a professional degree doesn’t mean I must only date someone who did the same thing. For years, the smartest person I knew aside from myself was someone who attended one of those acting/music schools for a while and then left and just worked jobs…then eventually went to school for audio recording, and then again went to school for acting. She has never been to a regular ole 4-year university. But philosophy, sociology, literature, politics–you name it, she could go from topic to topic for hours and give good conversation. “Intelligent” black women really have their heads up their @sses about this one, just thinking they’re too intelligent for every black person and assuming they’re the only ones who graduated from college or that it even matters whether or not they did.

Another thing–you can be intelligent and educated but still be an ignorant @ss. I am one, but I recognize it, unlike these other chicks. I know that I have some narrowminded thoughts in my head. You can also graduate from college nowadays riting lik dis. It doesn’t always mean you’re all that.

“I have my own everything.” Okay, great for you–in times like these, you’re lucky if you’re able to have everything despite the fact that you got your degree. Nowadays, degrees are more of a liability than an asset because they’re so damned costly and, yet, employers value work experience far more than that costly degree.

“Where are all the good-looking black lesbians? Most black lesbians are ugly.” Chica, hit the mirror. So many black women, both straight and lesbian, think they’re way hotter than they are. This is not to say black women can’t be hot. There are plenty of hot black women. But I don’t know what’s up with black women and black men–they’re the first to call someone ugly when they’re not all that themselves. Some of the more physically attractive black lesbians I have encountered have also been some of the more open-minded in terms of what’s beautiful.

But the worst one, other than all this “I’m educated, I’m educated, I’m educated” snobbery has got to be the weight hate. Weight hate is getting out of hand in general, but up until this past weekend in the LGBT community I thought only white gay guys needed their teeth knocked down their throats for being such @ssholes about people being overweight. Apparently, a lot of black lesbians need to be kicked up to Canada. And the thing about being a black lesbian but being a complete @ss about women being overweight is…um, the majority of black women are overweight. If an Asian guy is an @ss about overweight women, if a white guy is an @ss about it…I can kind of see that. Asian women are rarely fat, relatively speaking, and white women are not fat at the same kind of rate as black women are. But if you’re black, then overweight women should be at least somewhat normal to you. So, again, where is all this snobbish bullschitt coming from? Oh, you grew up predominantly around white people? You were brainwashed by the media shoving white women with eating disorders in your face? What is it?

In any case of events, being overweight is becoming the norm. More and more people are going to have to get over it or be single, whatever you might think about how healthy it is or isn’t or it showing they don’t take care of themselves or whatever bullschitt excuse you have for hating overweight people.

I could keep going, but I’ve got work in the morning…so two last points: I guess black lesbians think they can get away with trashing black lesbians because they are black women or black lesbians. But being a black lesbian doesn’t make it okay; it makes it worse. We already get trashed by everyone else; we don’t need black lesbians to do it bigger and “better” than everyone else does.

Also, Atlanta is just that–Atlanta. Just because most black lesbians in Atlanta seem to be a certain way doesn’t mean that’s a reflection of how black lesbians are everywhere else. If you think that’s the case, you need to take some of that money you make from your good job and your education and your own everything and go see the US, something I have had the luxury of somewhat doing. If one city in the US makes you quick to give up on or look down on black lesbians on the whole and assume they’re all uneducated, all have slept with men, all have kids out of wedlock, all have nothing in common with you, all are ghetto or lack refinement, then you’re not as cultured as you think you are and you’re just looking for any excuse to “prefer” non-black women.

Over the last 10 years, it has amazed me the schitt black men talk about black women because, from my life experiences, I’d say no one has more reason to “hate” black women than black women do. Black women treat each other like schitt, and the things I’ve read from some ignorant black lesbians would have proved it even if I didn’t live it. And yet, these black lesbians who clearly don’t think other black lesbians are good enough don’t even really have much to offer as to their problems with black women aside from the shallow and superficial. I could provide story after story of bullschitt I’ve experienced at the hands of black women, starting from elementary school going all the way to as recently as law school. No one has more reason to hate black women than I do, and, yet, I don’t.

So, why am I going to be single? Because, yes, I do prefer black women–and I mean “prefer” the way it’s meant to be used, not the incorrect way most people use it when it comes to race and dating–the very women for whom I’m not good enough for, inevitably, about 5 reasons on a 21-demands list. I like women of color, and never say never but I don’t think I’d date a white woman ever again. But I’m not going to be by myself because black women aren’t good enough for me, like some people. Instead, I’m always the one who is not good enough–not for whites, not for my ex-girlfriends, surely not for Asians and now not for black women. That’s not a plea for sympathy–that’s just telling it how it is.

The end of my Crimson Wave Rant (cookies for those who know what “crimson wave” is and where it came from).

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I Like People Who Eat Junk Food

When I first started this blog, I wrote one post that discussed work culture and I wrote another post in which I mentioned how people at my job talk a ridiculous amount about drinking alcohol. Talking about drinking seems to be part of my job’s cultural environment.

Another annoying thing that I’m noticing about my job’s cultural environment is that a lot of people there…gosh, how do I explain it…have a problem with junk food. See, someone is always bringing food to work for everyone to eat. It’s a nice thing about working at this place, but it’s yet another big cultural difference between me and everyone else there…because I’m not about to spend money on anyone there or bring food in for the entire suite. Yes, this probably means I shouldn’t eat anything anyone else brings in. But…oh well.  Anyway, most of the time it’s some form of junk food.

This means that half the suite is either not going to eat it, or they’re going to dance around the food and talk about how bad it is that someone brought it in, how tempted they are, how they shouldn’t eat it …and then eat it. Do I even need to mention this part–everyone I’m describing is a woman. There are guys there who won’t eat it, either, because they don’t eat junk food. But they don’t do the little dance that some of the women do, and they don’t act tortured like some other women do. Us female tech geeks are probably the only ones who don’t dance around the food or act tortured, but for different reasons. The female tech geek with whom I work is like the guys who just say “I don’t eat junk food.” I don’t dance around or act tortured because…hell, truth be told, I probably eat more junk food than anything else. That’s not always true, but it is these days.

I’ve grown up around white people all of my life, and I started noticing in college that many white women, in particular, have this sort of tortured relationship with food. It’s something I don’t really see with black women, and there have been a couple of times when I’ve mentioned this to a white woman and she has a black example to “show” me it’s not just white women or that some black women are like that or that the majority of women are like that. Of course, the one white woman whom I can remember doing this was from California and was, thus, talking about black women from CA. Somehow, I can’t help but feel this doesn’t count since people from CA are kind of…well…shall we say, at least a little bit more shallow than the rest of us. Still, I am sure there are black women who primarily eat healthy, will rarely eat junk food and who freak out when they see junk food. I just don’t know any black [American] women well who are like that. Consequently, admittedly, there are more of us who are overweight, and black women on the whole probably have more health problems (which is not just correlated with weight and eating habits).

My point today is not about weight or health, though. My first point is that I don’t understand. When there’s a box of junk food sitting there at work and one of my white female co-workers comes around, looks at me, looks at the junk food, looks at me again and starts the little dance…I don’t get it. It has been a long time since I denied myself anything I wanted to eat, so I don’t relate to it. And I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever danced around food I wanted to eat, so I don’t get that, either. And I think they think I get it because I’m a woman and they’re women. But that’s the other thing I don’t get. Look at me. How often do I look like I say no to junk food? These are three things that I’ve wondered about white women for years–why are they so much more strict about food than black women are, what on earth are they thinking when they’re whining about food to someone who weighs more than they do and what do they think when they see all these overweight black women.

My other point is that, regardless of the mentality a lot of people have about people being overweight and unhealthy, I just have a natural fondness for people who unashamedly enjoy food. It is just refreshing, especially the way things are today, to encounter people who eat what they want (including junk food), weigh what they weigh and don’t really worry about it. I understand the health risks, and I understand they are undisciplined. I understand it’s a strain on health care. But I think that my irritation with people who dance around food and show too much concern for weight, dieting–or whatever their problem is–is that I perceive them as being the ones who are somehow unhappy with who they are, while my fondness for people who eat what they eat and weigh what they weigh and are unapologetic about it is that they appear to like who they are. I also perceive the former–when they’re doing things like looking at someone such as myself while whining about junk food–as indirectly expressing dissatisfaction with certain types of people.

See, for me, if someone wants to be healthy or thin, that’s that individual’s own business. It’s one thing to complain about your weight to everyone but continue to eat poorly. The pounds are not going to just fall off over night with little to no effort, and no one wants to hear you complain when you’re not taking steps to change. But if someone is overweight and happy with who he is, let him be happy. If someone is thin and happy with who she is, let her be happy. If someone primarily eats junk food, that’s her business. If someone primarily eats organic food, that’s his business. We don’t have to understand each other when it comes to diet, but I think we should let more people be without all the negative judging when it comes to weight and eating. And more people need to be happy with who they are instead of feeling they have to panic every time they see certain types of food. Remember, your looks are not who you are.

At my job among all the thin, dancing white women who think they can’t even eat one sweet (but they can go out and get drunk–have seen this one for years and have never been able to figure it out), there’s this huge white guy who is always the first to roll confidently up to any food brought in by someone in the suite. When someone brought in doughnuts, this guy said, “I’m going to get two, because I’m a fat ass.” I just thought, “That dude is awesome.” He is fat, he’ll probably always be fat…and he’s fine with himself. He might not live to be 80, but, as overrated as life is, he’s probably cool with that. I know I am.

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Does Everyone Have One? My Shallow Thing

This morning, I realized that probably everyone on this earth has a shallow thing. A shallow thing is something about your physical self that you’d spend quite a bit of time and/or money working on just to increase your happiness. It might not even be anything anyone else has an issue with when it comes to your physical appearance. Oftentimes, it’s not. It’s just something that you don’t like and would rather change.

Common shallow things:

-A lot of women have issues with their breast size and either opt for breast augmentation or seriously consider it

-Hair coloring

-Acne treatments

-Trying to lose weight (although some would argue this is more of a health issue)

Now, I actually can relate to all the above-listed shallow things in some way, but none of these is quite my biggest shallow thing.

As far as breast size, I’m the opposite of some women. I have wanted to get a breast reduction at times. I used to really want one, but I have died down about that quite a bit. I probably would not spend money on surgery unless it became more like a health issue.

Coloring my hair is a very mild desire of mine. I’ve never done it, and I’m not sure I ever will.

Both of my sisters have serious acne issues. One of them has had these issues ever since she had chicken pox as a kid, so she grew up with serious acne and had to deal with that socially. My other sister, I’d say, has acne issues because of stress and hormones. She grew up with really nice skin. I have not had smooth skin since becoming a teenager, and I probably never will. I don’t have big acne problems, but you just can’t run your fingers over my face and feel nothing but smoothness. I tend to have what my mother calls “fine bumps.” They are really, really, really small bumps that seem to be right beneath the surface. I have not figured out how to get rid of these, but I am generally fine as long as there are not pimples, scars and dark spots.

Weight…ah. This should probably be my big shallow thing. It’s not, though. I could definitely write a separate post all about this issue. I guess all I can tell you right now is I pretty much never feel bad about my weight. I would like to lose some weight. I would like to have an easier time shopping for clothes, especially shirts (again, those damn big breasts and just general top heaviness). I do like to work out, depending on what it is, but I don’t look at working out as only–and maybe not even mainly–being about losing weight and being healthy (which, I hate how people act as if weight and health are inseparable/the same thing–again, a separate post).

So…the one thing I’m willing to open up my bank account and pour money out to fix and, thus, feel better about myself, regardless of what most people have to say?

My teeth.

I have wanted Invisalign for years…probably ever since I first saw the commercials on TV. I have just never really been able to afford it. I am now getting to a point where I can, if I’m not already there. The only thing is I’m supposed to be saving money to move. I also don’t have a car, and it’d be helpful to get one. It also just doesn’t, to me, make a lot of sense to get money and immediately spend it, especially since I have student loans. Still, money seems to burn a hole in my pocket. When I feel that I have plenty of it, I start coming up with all these things I want to get and I get them. Those things are usually tech gadgets. But now, especially since I have dental insurance through work, I’m starting to think more seriously about pursuing Invisalign.

Other than needing to save money to move, there’s another issue–working full time. I read a bit about getting Invisalign, and it just seems kind of like you have to visit the orthodontist a little too frequently. I just don’t know how I’d work this with a job. I don’t believe in telling employers, “I have to leave early,” “I’ll be late” or “I need to take a long lunch.” I did also just get this job not that long ago.

To back up…

I was the kid who needed braces but never got them. I don’t know that braces, back then, could have fixed everything. Basically, my top teeth are the issue. I have an overbite and a gap, and the teeth on one side of the gap stick out more than the teeth on the other side do. I’m not extremely, extremely self-conscious about this, but when I do think about it it’s the kind of thing I’d have no trouble putting down thousands to fix. I would not do it for my breasts, acne or weight, but I’d do it for this. I can totally see going into an ortho’s office and his telling me, “Oh, yeah, this will be $5000, and then there will be an extra $500 for this and an extra $250 for this” and I’m just like, “Oh, okay. Whatever.”

Not totally sure why. People can be asses about teeth, but people are definitely more so asses about weight–especially now when they can kind of cloak their comments about people’s weight in terms of “oh, it’s about health/taking care of yourself” when it’s often not (it’s about you not liking what you see in someone else). But as I said before, for me, it’s not about other people. If it were, then, surely, I’d care more about my weight than about this. It’s kind of like a physical pet peeve. I had someone whom I really liked tell me that she thinks gaps are sexy, and if we were happily married and I could get Invisalign to get rid of it I still would. With your shallow thing, other people just usually are not the point, even if they think the total opposite about your shallow thing than you do and view it positively when you don’t.

The thing is I didn’t realize I had this physical thing that I’d be willing to spend either a lot of time or a lot of money on to make it “right” until this morning. As I said, I’d wanted Invisalign for years. But it never clicked with me before that this was my “breast augmentation” or my “plastic surgery.” I used to think something was wrong with people who went out and had cosmetic surgery or botox, and now I have to rethink that.

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