Tag Archives: getting over my ex

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

It seems like every time I feel I’ve turned a corner as far as my “ex” is concerned, I run smack into a setback. A couple of things have happened recently that make me say this.

First of all, I actually got to talk to Belinda last week. Belinda is my crush at work, a supervisor not in my department but in another department. When I sat down and thought about the potential consequences for me of dating a supervisor, even though she’s not in my department, it really made me…I don’t want to say “lose interest,” but it made it easier for me to step back and not really think about the romantic possibilities. And anyway, it isn’t/wasn’t like I know she’s interested in me.

I’ve never talked to Belinda before, and I still wouldn’t say we’ve had a true conversation. When I talked to her last week, she called tech support for help. Usually when she calls, my co-worker gets her calls (to the point where, according to him, she asked him–likely jokingly because she knows I answer phones and came down specifically to meet me a few weeks ago after she spoke to me–if he was the only one who answers phones). But he had left for the day when she called last week, so I got this particular call.

We have our greeting we typically use when answering the phones, but, instead, I picked up the phone and said, “Hey, Belinda” when I saw it was her on the caller ID. And then she greeted me by my name, and I think we did the “how are you?” thing and she expressed frustration with her computer. So, I knew then that, for the first time, I was actually going to have to help her with something and we might end up on the phone for a while. I started thinking about how I need to do a good job, just hoping it was something I could handle and I wouldn’t look stupid since it was her on the phone, haha!

What I got out of the interaction is she’s funny and she likes to shop for clothes (which kind of underscores why she comes to work looking like perfection every day–I even know where she likes to shop). She also seems naturally friendly/outgoing/talkative Southern style, which could explain why she started smiling and waving at me before we even met. She probably makes friends really easily, and, indeed, I never see her by herself when I see her at work. She seems like one of those people for whom technology just kind of goes over her head (which is probably one reason why my co-worker seems to think she’s annoying). It’s not like she was a complete moron like some of the people I have to assist, but I don’t think she’s a fan of computers and such or a quick study when it comes to them. But I think that’s normal for people who are 40+ years old.

Well, what does this have to do with my ex?

It shouldn’t have anything to do with my ex…except I then found myself comparing and contrasting the two of them–and not in a way that was favorable to Belinda. It was like, “Oh, my ex sounds smarter and probably is smarter” and blah, blah, blah, just based on the very little bit of info I got out of Belinda. The funny thing is…my ex and I had a little intelligence vs physical appearance issue where I think she would have loved to hear me compliment her looks more than I did, and I know I hurt her feelings at least a couple of times by suggesting I didn’t find her attractive or as attractive as other women.

I did and do find her very attractive, and, obviously, I think Belinda is physically attractive. It’s just that during the relationship with my ex, I was so wrapped up in how intelligent she is that I just never “got” it about her looks and her feelings on that and her wanting me to express that I found her attractive. I felt like, by far, the bigger compliment was how smart I thought she was. Intelligence is huge with me, great discussions are huge with me…you can find a pretty, well-dressed woman anywhere, and I, personally, don’t need to be told I’m attractive. And my ex is still probably the smartest person I’ve ever known, and I’ve attended elite universities full of bright people. Seriously, she knows words I don’t know. I love words. I minored in English. I took Etymology all the way back in high school. I used to get in trouble for reading books for “fun” while the teacher was lecturing in junior high. I was blown away at the time. I loved how smart my ex is.

So, when I tell you that there’s this beautiful, perfectly dressed woman at work and after speaking with her for 10-15 minutes all I could think about off and on for days is how smart my ex is…that’s nothing to take lightly.

This was on, like, last Wednesday when I spoke with Belinda…

And then a few days later, that weekend…I saw my ex online. I never see her online. I have a bunch of different email accounts, and I don’t really use half of them because I got sick of how they attract ridiculous amounts of spam. I tend to use my AOL account mainly to sign up for stuff/sites only now, and I use my Yahoo account for a lot of sports stuff, to give examples. I sign onto both regularly, although it had been maybe a week or so since I’d really been in my Yahoo account. So, I went in this past weekend to read some of the sports articles I get emailed every day, and there she was on IM.

I was kind of surprised. It has been well over a year since I’ve seen her on IM, so I guess I thought in the back of my mind that I’d never see her online again. And now I see her online daily. I know most people would say I should remove her from my IM list, but I hadn’t really paid attention to the fact that she’s on it since she hadn’t been online…and now I just don’t want to remove her, plain and simple. I will just stop logging into IM before I do that, and I couldn’t really tell you why. But the point is that seeing her online brings up one of the same old questions that has prevented me from really being able to completely move on, and that’s “why won’t she talk to me?” That is the biggest thing I’ve never been able to understand ever since we “broke up” and she said she can’t talk to me or have me in her life. And now when she’s sitting online and I’m online and she probably still has me on her IM list–I don’t know, maybe she doesn’t, but if she does, then–why won’t she talk to me?

We were friends before we were anything else, and now she doesn’t ever want to speak to me again?

I keep having to check myself and make sure I don’t send her an IM. It’s not going to happen. But still. The past 7 days have really let me know I still haven’t moved on, and it sucks because I’ve been stuck on this for too long. I know the main reason is because she has all the answers and I have all the questions. It has never been harder for me to get over someone, but I have also never been anywhere near as confused after a breakup, either. I know the questions will never be answered, and I know from experience that the more I try to get answers from her the more confusing everything gets. I’d rather pretend everything didn’t happen and start over from the beginning–I think I have too much pride/ego to truly want her back romantically–but she’ll never talk to me again. If someone treated you like crap, it makes sense to act like he/she doesn’t exist, but I don’t deserve this…

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I Can’t Stand Her Emails

A few months ago I remember reading, I think, a blog post online somewhere, and the writer basically explained how she dumped this guy because he didn’t like to read. I don’t really remember thinking much one way or the other about the post. I read the comments, and there were people who understood where she was coming from. I don’t really remember anyone commenting that it was a ridiculous thing for her to do. Reading was very important to her, and she just couldn’t imagine being with someone who didn’t share the value of reading.

I like to read, too, but it’s not one of my deal breakers.

But apparently…being a bad writer is.

I know I mentioned in one of my last posts that I got this woman’s contact information and sent her an email. We emailed back and forth for a little bit–I think we exchanged three or so emails and never made it to the phone. Gawd, she just did every single thing I hate when it comes to writing.

I noticed with the first email she sent me, but I tried hard to overlook it. I wanted to give her a chance, but I also didn’t want to be ridiculous or snobby. It was a short email with a couple of spelling errors, a ton of grammar errors and “how r u” type of writing, as well as a couple of typical boring questions. I thought to myself, “Okay, maybe she wrote it on her cell phone…it’s hard to write well over those things.” That’s really what it reminded me of–either that or she was rushing. It couldn’t be that she was simply a writing-challenged moron–not after the way she talked and talked about looking for intelligence and good conversations, and about how educated she was.

Now, I don’t want anyone to think I sit and “grade” what people send me, what I read on the internet or even what you leave in the comments section here. I also don’t want anyone to think that I view my own writing as perfect. Writing can’t be perfect all the time, so I can understand some misspelled words and some grammar errors. I really do hate short emails, though. It makes me feel as if the person writing me is not putting effort into the email or as if that person is disinterested. I am also one of those people who hates small talk, and…well, age/sex/location and variations thereof is just about the online equivalent of that. If you’re intelligent and like good conversations, why not demonstrate that, you know? And using letters in place of full words is never okay with me (with few exceptions, such as “OK”), not even when texting me.

In short, she didn’t come across as engaged or that intelligent, and it’s hard to respond to what appears to be a lack of engagement as it is. But with her not coming off as too bright, it made me not particularly want to respond because I only welcome intelligent people into my life. I can’t consider dating someone who is not very intelligent. So it wasn’t hard for me to wait a while before responding to her email.

Still, I did write her an engaged response that was longer than what she’d written to me (nothing like my blog posts, so don’t freak out!). But her next email to me was just like her first one, and I was just kind of like…”Okay…I don’t know if I can take this,” hahaha. I mean, for me, it’s as if she’s assaulting my eyeballs. And how can you date someone if reading her emails and texts is visually painful? For me, it’s just a sign that she is not as intelligent as she was bragging that she is.

I think it might have been the same for the woman who dumped her boyfriend who doesn’t like to read. A funny thing about that is one day I was at work last week…I was sitting in the dining area, and there was a woman sitting in one of the booths in front of me, reading. And this black chick walked by and said to the woman in the booth, “I don’t like to read.” OMG (see what I did there?), I was calling this b!tch all kinds of “dumb bitch”es in my head. I was partially upset that she was black and announced this to a white woman. I mean, people already think black people are stupid, and now you just let this white woman know that you are, indeed, stupid. And you know black people are not judged individually.

I tried to calm myself by telling myself that most people nowadays don’t like to read, to the point where that’s normal and liking to read is practically nerdy. That doesn’t mean they’re not a bunch of dumb fucks, though. You don’t like to read? Seriously, you have to read everywhere. It’s an essential part of life, much more so than math (and yes, I know you have to count out change), even if not a hobby. Plus, there are so many different types of subjects to read–how can there be nothing you like to read? That’s why saying you don’t like to read sounds dumb. Sorry if I’m offending anyone, but that’s seriously my viewpoint–people who don’t like to read, can’t read and/or can’t write are…dumb…fucks, if for no other reason than that a lot of them proudly announce that they don’t like to read. Don’t go around announcing that schitt to people.

And to be fair, it’s not as if I sit around reading novels or literary works every week. But it’s not because I don’t like to. I love to read and, in fact, have been wanting some good books to read for quite some time now. I’ve read a couple of things recently, but I don’t count those because they were so…well, let me put it this way about one of the “books” I read. I wrote a review on it, saying that if it were ever made into a movie it’d be a porno flick (I didn’t know this when I started reading the damn thing, I promise). I am just struggling to find a good read, in part because I am in the mood to read what, I do not quite know.

So, I suppose that maybe not liking to read could be a deal breaker for me after all, just like crappy writing is. It’s a reflection of the larger picture, I think, which is the ability to discuss any and all things with some knowledge…not to mention, as far as writing, what used to be required to actually earn a high school diploma (clearly it’s not required now, with as poorly as young Americans write today).

I must confess–I also had to ask myself if maybe I was eager to ditch this writing-challenged chick because I’m still not over my “ex.” And then I thought about all of my “friends” and how much writing has meant to me my whole life. I don’t have one friend who sucks at writing, even the ones whose intelligence I sometimes underestimate. Every single last one of them can put together an email that reflects their intelligence. I think all of my girlfriends have also been able to write fairly well, even the one I had who only had a high school education. Again, the good ole days when they used to teach kids how to write correctly in high school–she would now be about 33 years old, I think…although Email Chick was about 29. But she did attend a garbage high school in my area, so maybe that explains it.

I also thought about this conversation my “ex” and I had one time when this other chick was interested in her. She was one of those “how r u” type of chicks. My “ex,” more or less, said to me, “When I look at this chick’s texts, it reminds me of why I like you.” To be quite honest…ditto right now. But that’s still in the past, and I am accepting that. There are plenty of other chicks out there who know how to not torture the English language and the written word. I know that. But Email Chick is not one of them.

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I Keep Thinking About My Ex

Okay, I’m just going to say [write] it:

I still have feelings for my–for lack of a better description–“ex” after over a year has gone by.

What exactly those feelings are, I couldn’t say. It depends on what mood I’m in, it seems.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m making progress and moving on. But it seems that every now and then I have a strong urge to talk to her or see her, and it goes on for days. Last year the urges were basically irresistible in that eventually I’d break down and contact her. I still can’t say that the urges have lessened that much, but I think I’ve reached the point where I’ll never contact her again. For starters, I know that I’ve contacted her more than enough since she decided to end everything between us for good. But, perhaps more than that, I am just really tired of always being that person. I always love more, care more, do more, come back more, contact more, etc. She has contacted me, like, once since the end. I have to leave it up to her if it’s ever going to happen.

She basically wanted to do what a lot of people call “no contact” for at least a year. Technically, it hasn’t been a year since we last communicated because I broke “no contact” so much. But if you go by when it all officially ended, it has been over a year. She told me she’d probably contact me after a year has gone by, kind of like we could be friends once we don’t have feelings for each other anymore. I know how I am, and a year is not enough time for me to get over someone unless someone else comes into the picture (I know–sad, but true). With the way my life is right now, no one is going to come into the picture. I mean, I work in IT, which means I usually work around a bunch of white guys. I don’t really work with women, and the last female I worked with on a daily basis was absolutely loathsome. Plus, when there are women around they’re usually either straight, white or both–not particularly interested in either.

The last time I broke “no contact,” the “ex” indirectly told me that she’d decided she wouldn’t attempt to communicate with me again. We did “meet” online, and from what I’ve been able to gather on some of the occasions when I broke “no contact” she has had a couple of bad experiences with other people from the internet. So she told me a rule she came up with, which is that she would no longer communicate with people online, just people she can see face to face. I interpret this to include me. After all, while she could see me face to face, I just don’t think she would at this point. At the same time, I know we met online, but I still don’t think I should be lumped in with other people she talked to online as if we all had the same type of relationship with her and meant the same to her. She told me several times I wasn’t lumped in with those other people, but apparently I am.

I did at one point indicate that I didn’t want us to communicate again in the future, so I guess I can’t complain too much.

I know a lot of people don’t understand how it’d be hard to let go of someone you never actually met. But truth be told, I think that’s a big part of the issue. We did everything except meet, and it bothers me that we never did. I still want to meet, and I often feel like I can’t move on without doing that.

And there are people who poo poo online relationships because they feel they’re fantasy or that you can’t really know the person or that there are people in “real life” you can date. Now, do I think she was totally honest with me? No. And I think about ways in which I felt/feel lied to. But a lot of those ways could be, and probably are, the result of her lying to herself first and foremost or just being naive…not actively trying to deceive me. As far as basic “is she who she says she is” stuff, I checked that out and it’s pretty true. And I already touched on the “real life” aspect, at least for me. It’s tough to meet someone at work, and then after work presents a problem because I live with my parents, who don’t know I’m a lesbian (even though they’re kind of stupid not to know that).

There’s not much I put past my “ex,” so it’s not a fantasy to me. I’m aware of what I do and don’t know, and what all I’ll probably never really know. But I was pretty honest with her. There’s really only one thing I can think of about which I wasn’t totally honest with her, and she should probably already know what that is and likely wouldn’t be that surprised if I admitted it to her if she doesn’t already know. It’s just one of those things you can’t be honest with women about, especially with a woman when feelings for each other are involved, that’s all. It’s something probably every straight guy knows and has had to be less than honest about at some point. But I didn’t lie about who I am or pretty much anything else. So I’m saying it’s not impossible to have an honest relationship with someone just because you met him/her online.

Regardless of how I met her, I still think about her daily for a lot of different reasons, including curiosity due to the fact that we never met. Related to that, I guess, is that it feels like we started something and never took it anywhere, never tapped into the potential. It’s worse than bad breakups, which I don’t really think this one was, to not really let everything play out and to have to spend the rest of time wondering about it.

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