Tag Archives: gays

11 Things That Don’t Make Sense

1) Why Do Republicans and Democrats Hate Each Other? After All, They’re Basically the Same.

Yes, you read that correctly–they are pretty much the same. Now, I admit, I like to rib Republicans every now and then. But I’m no Democrat, and I really dislike President Obama and criticize him often. As someone who is neither Democrat nor Republican and who refuses to vote, I can step back and look at both political parties and its members and see what no one else can–they are essentially the same. Between the politicians in each party, there really is no difference–they’re all full of schitt, and that’s why I don’t vote. Between the members, the only real difference is one group is full of people who are prejudiced as hell but are in denial about their prejudices because they don’t want to feel like they’re bad people…while the other group is full of people who embrace their prejudices–some even proud of them–and many of them don’t really see anything wrong with having those prejudices. Frankly, I’m closer to belonging to the latter group, except a lot of the prejudices the latter group has hurts people like me (black, lesbian, female, close to poverty).

2) Why Do People Talk About Overweight People In Front of Other Overweight People?

It just amazes me how many times I find myself sitting with people who are talking about other fat people, as if I’m not one. The last time it happened, I almost said, “Hello?? I’m fat! Or do you need glasses?” And I probably will next time. Now, if it’s a fat person doing the talking, that might be one thing–depends on the conversation. It’s never okay to talk about overweight people degradingly in front of another overweight person (or, really, at all). But if you’re a twig sitting there running your mouth and you have a fat friend in the middle of it all, you’re an idiot, plain and simple. What are you thinking?

3) Why Do Teachers Think It’s A Good Idea To Tell Students To Pick A Partner Or Teammates? Don’t They Have Any Idea That They Are Scarring Some Students For Life?

This type of thing ought to be common knowledge by now. We’ve seen it enough on TV. There is always at least one kid who just doesn’t fit in or is disliked and made fun of by everyone else. Why can’t teachers and coaches just fucking do the pairing themselves instead of embarrassing the hell out of some poor young’un who has no friends or athletic ability? If you’re one of the cool kids, yes, you want to pick your partner. You don’t want to get stuck with your morbid enemy or the loser who has a crush on you that is unreturned. Or if you’re picking teams in gym class, naturally you want to win. But the cool kids will live, because they still have their crew at the end of class. And gym is just gym–doesn’t matter one bit, no money on the line, no national championships. It’s the kids whom you’re showing to the entire class as being the odd man/woman out who will remember it forever and have insecurities and self-esteem issues. So, damn what the cool kids want, teachers–if you’re going to have special projects or teams in gym classes, you do the pairings.

4) Why Do People Think Blacks Have A Community?

I have struggled to find the right wording for this question. But basically, people seem to think blacks stick together and support each other and always have each other in this cold, cruel world when nothing could be further from the truth. There’s this book, “The Myth of the Model Minority,” which I read some years ago that, as best as I can remember, had me shaking my head at the way it seemed to hold “the black community” on a pedestal relative to what Asians have. Back when I was at Michigan, I had a gay white male friend who said something to me that was very close to “a lot of gays are alone but black people have each other.” And I always have to wonder–what exactly do Asian people, gay white people or straight white people know about being black? Apparently, not much. To me, it’s as clear as day that black people are divided and work against each other more than they support each other–and when I say “as clear as day,” I mean that if I were white I’d look at black people and go, “Wow…I know why we hate black people, but why on earth do they hate each other so much?!?!”

Because black men hate black women. Black women hate black women. Black men seem to think black women hate black men because black women won’t just be quiet and submissive, or smile and say yes to any and every black guy who approaches them for a date. Black people, particularly black men, commit more black-on-black crime than any other group commits against blacks. And black men and black women hate black people who “aren’t black enough” or aren’t stereotypical, whatever that means in any individual black environment…because it doesn’t always mean the same thing. And, contrary to what non-black people think, it doesn’t always mean that black people hate educated, proper-speaking blacks. When I was at Michigan, I wasn’t stereotypical in the sense that I didn’t hang with mainly black students and didn’t go to all these “Black Law Students” events and meetings and didn’t stand around with other black chicks talking about other black female students who “don’t know they’re black.” For a black person in the projects, it means something entirely different. Bottom line–plenty of black people are alone and alienated by other black people.

5) Why Do Men Think Making Fun of Women They’re Interested In Is A Good Idea, and That the Woman Is A Bitch If She’s Not Amused?

Men seem to think that various forms of harassment in general are a good idea when it comes to approaching women, but “jokes at the lady’s expense” and just plain picking on a woman seem to be near the top of their come-on list. Who in the hell told you fellas this was a good way to get a woman? Or are you just trying to see if she’s rug material (i.e. a doormat)?

News flash–women aren’t like men. It seems to be the case that men take joking and teasing as a sign that they are in the clubhouse. Male friends do that to male friends. It’s not okay to make fun of your wife or girlfriend or female friend, let alone a chick you just met or barely know. If a woman you know and have established that kind of relationship with seems to think it’s cool, that’s one thing. But even then, there are lines to not cross or she’ll get pissed–even though this almost never happens with your male friends. Again, women and men are different. Women don’t like to feel like they’re being laughed at or belittled–we get quite enough of that on a regular basis. And 9 times out of 10, your love interest who is laughing at your garbage is just doing it to be polite, as socialized. She doesn’t find being the butt of your joke to be funny, trust me.

6) What the Hell Does “Not Taking Yourself Too Seriously” Actually Mean, and Why Is It A Good Thing?

This has always sounded to me like an empty, meaningless statement that excuses stuff such as my #5 and makes the person who is offended the one at fault. I don’t know if that’s true because stuff like “knowing how to laugh at yourself and not take yourself so seriously” is so damned far beyond me. I just know that hearing or reading stuff like that makes me want to punch someone. Similarly far beyond me is #7…

7) When Did Acting And Dressing Like a Ho Expressing Sexuality Become A Good Thing?

I tell you, I think young white female pop singers started this nonsense, particularly in the early 2000s, with their dumb songs and videos. There is just a lot of mistaking being 9/10ths naked, dancing provocatively, singing ridiculously explicit lyrics and sleeping around for “being sexy.” You don’t need all that to be sexy or to let other people know you’re sexy. Worst of all, some women now mistake these things for empowerment. And then they still want to know why people judge them or treat them a certain way for how they look and/or act, and “it’s not fair.” Clearly, they do not live in the real world. We’re all judged and treated a certain way due to how we look, so be ready to deal with the consequences of your choices. If you’re not ready for that and, instead, are going to whine, how is it empowering?

Long story short, it’s still not a good thing–but not everyone has all of their screws in tight, so they don’t get it.

8) Why Do, Like, Half of All People Who Work Out On A Regular Basis Smoke and/Or Like To Get Drunk and Still Think They’re Living “Healthy”?

I actually do like to work out; I just don’t particularly care for “eating right.” So, whenever I go all in and work out regularly and eat right, the most unhealthy thing that ever goes into my body is junk food. The last time I did this, I slotted in an unhealthy piece of food every day (like donuts) and a soda every day when keeping up with calories while making sure I still got the fiber, the protein, etc, that I needed…just so I could keep my sanity. Otherwise, the most unhealthy thing is, very rarely, a beer. I am just not into alcohol, and you’re not about to ever get me to smoke anything.

What I don’t understand is why is getting drunk every Saturday or Sunday (depending on your sport…or if you’re in a frat, every Sat and Sun), smoking MJ and smoking cigarettes so much more acceptable than eating crap or being a couch potato? Why is one type of person disgustingly unhealthy and the other isn’t? We’re both disgustingly unhealthy (and actually, my doctors tell me I’m pretty healthy, great blood pressure…I have bad knees, and I know I’m overweight for my size, but other than that…you’d be surprised). I would say that you can work out and eat all the bird food in the world, but if you’re putting bad substances in your body often you’re not that far ahead of me, if you’re ahead at all (and if you smoke, you’re not going to convince me you’re ahead of me health-wise).

9) Why Do People Project Their Own Bullschitt Onto Others?

Yeah, it’s psychology time. Let’s talk about projection–that’s basically when someone says that other people have a flaw that is actually a huge flaw in that person who is running off at the mouth. For example, the Lazy Fuck at my job is always calling my friend Clara and her friend Sharon lazy, and I am sure that he has called me lazy before or has insinuated that I am lazy…because we won’t do his job for him while he takes long lunches and texts/talks on his iPhone. Not surprisingly, Lazy Fuck is a Democrat. Gee, I wonder if there is actually a correlation between people who project and people who are political members of the denial party. I know full well that I’m lazy, but I also know I’m not lazy at work. I’ll call in fake-sick (and I do) and stay home and be lazy before I sit at work and fuck off.

10) Why Are There Over 300 TV Channels and There Still Is Never Anything Good On?

Now, the exception is if you like sports. But I still find myself twiddling my thumbs way too often to have so many gotdamn channels. No games on Tuesday and Wednesday nights = a waste of an expensive-@ss cable package. And I don’t think Jewish white boys necessarily have any business writing comedy sitcoms (on account of their not being funny), and I certainly don’t think catty Barbie wannabes should have 50 million different reality shows…so, typically, I don’t watch TV shows. So, again, no games on Tues and Weds mean I get roughly 10 hours of sleep those nights because I have nothing to do but hit the sack.

11) Why Do Southerners Think They Should Greet Everyone?

And not all do, but far too many do. I’m from the South and everything, but I’ve visited other places and have lived other places. In many ways, I have been de-Southernized. But having my toes in different parts of the US, I believe that it’s perfectly okay and acceptable to not acknowledge people you don’t know. And it’s not rude if you don’t acknowledge everyone you pass by. It’s okay to not act like you know and are friends with people you actually don’t know and aren’t friends with. What I don’t understand is why other Southerners don’t believe this. It’s a huge cultural issue I have with my co-workers, and my friend Clara, who is originally from Louisiana–which I don’t even consider part of the “real” South, culturally (and neither are Florida, Texas and, like, half of Virginia and half of Arkansas–Louisiana, Florida and Texas are too diverse to truly be part of real Southern culture, plus Texas is like its own universe)–are on opposite sides of this discussion all the time. It’s tough to explain, except maybe to say that I never feel like I’m alone, not being watched and actually have privacy/private space unless I am locked up in my bedroom. Ironically, in bigger cities outside of the South like Chicago and New York, you can be on a subway full of people and feel like you’re alone, not being watched and are in your own world.

Gosh, I miss being almost completely ignored in Chicago.

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I Am Chronically Unacceptable

I don’t like talking about romantic relationships. I find it a particularly unpleasant, uncomfortable topic. I won’t talk to most of my friends most of the time about my relationships because I can sense they don’t care, or they care up to a point–i.e. the “how we met” kind of details vs the “I’m having problems/need advice/feel hurt” type of stuff. They don’t want to hear the latter, which is all I have to talk about 95% of the time when it comes to relationships. I won’t talk to them about my lack of relationships because I know that they will poo poo the negativity, i.e. the “I will never find anyone”s and the “love is bullschitt”s. And I don’t like talking or hearing about other people’s relationships, especially if they’re happy. That’s just the truth. Keep your happy coupledom over there.

Now that I have work friends–another female has joined the mix after she walked over to me and Clara last week, told us we’re having too much fun and that she wants in on it (the adult version of “can I be friends with you?”)–I am getting badgered about why I say I am never getting married and tortured hearing about Clara’s boyfriend. That started last week. And then this past weekend, I made the mistake of stumbling across all this schitt that underscored just how unlikely it is that I will ever get married.

Dating and relationships are tough all around. I am exposed enough to the straight world to know it’s tough for a lot of straight people. It’s just a tough thing. But think about what it must be like, first of all, for gays and lesbians, who are dealing with a limited pool with somewhere between 5 and 10% of the population being gay/lesbian. And then throw being black on top of it, especially a black woman–the population that has the toughest time dating. And now I am in, I’d say, the two toughest populations when it comes to dating.

If you ever do an internet search on black lesbians and dating, you’ll probably run across a few blogs. Two of them are just…maddening bullschitt. Not going to name names, put links or anything like that. Not trying to start trouble, and I don’t waste time arguing with narrowminded people because…you might as well just find a nice, sturdy wall and yell at it. Could be because it’s that time of the month, but they pissed me off when normally I don’t get pissed outside of sports. What pissed me off is in these two blogs, black lesbians bash black lesbians. What makes me laugh is then these two b!tches wonder why they have such a hard time finding the right woman. One of them actually claims to want a black lesbian while the other one seems caught between wanting a black lesbian and being, like, a lesbian Tiger Woods. But neither get why they can’t find that right black woman. Wait, that’s not quite right–they think they can’t find that right black woman because, essentially, 99% of black lesbians aren’t good enough for them.

I don’t spend time in the LGBT community, although I have tried to do that in the past. But one thing I’ve noticed is several black lesbians are a cross between men and straight black women when it comes to the way they talk about what they want in a mate and why they reject others. I often find straight black women as snobbish and unrealistic [for them, not for all women–but considering black women aren’t on an even playing field with other women due to society’s ignorance, yes, unfortunately, unrealistic for them] with their standards. That’s not to say everything on their list is snobbish or unrealistic, but some of it is and then they wonder why they can’t find the man they want. More on that in a second.

As far as the comparison to men, what’s most notable and, perhaps, most disappointing is just the way some black lesbians describe other black women/lesbians with the tone of “you don’t match what I’m looking for; therefore, something is wrong with you” vs simply “that’s not my thing.” I feel like men indirectly send messages to women that because they’re not this, that or the other, there’s something wrong with them. That’s where a lot of our sex/gender inequality and women’s low self-esteem compared to men has come from, and, yet, we have a group of women doing this same thing to women.

One thing I notice the more snobbish, “you’re not this way, so something’s wrong with you” black lesbians always love to do is proclaim how intelligent and/or educated they are. I…????? Like, so? These women, straight and lesbian, are always talking about how black women are looking for someone on their level but they’re going to have a hard time finding it in another black person. I graduated from top-ranked universities, got a professional degree. Let me tell you–intelligence and education don’t have to come from school. Just because I attended elite schools and earned a professional degree doesn’t mean I must only date someone who did the same thing. For years, the smartest person I knew aside from myself was someone who attended one of those acting/music schools for a while and then left and just worked jobs…then eventually went to school for audio recording, and then again went to school for acting. She has never been to a regular ole 4-year university. But philosophy, sociology, literature, politics–you name it, she could go from topic to topic for hours and give good conversation. “Intelligent” black women really have their heads up their @sses about this one, just thinking they’re too intelligent for every black person and assuming they’re the only ones who graduated from college or that it even matters whether or not they did.

Another thing–you can be intelligent and educated but still be an ignorant @ss. I am one, but I recognize it, unlike these other chicks. I know that I have some narrowminded thoughts in my head. You can also graduate from college nowadays riting lik dis. It doesn’t always mean you’re all that.

“I have my own everything.” Okay, great for you–in times like these, you’re lucky if you’re able to have everything despite the fact that you got your degree. Nowadays, degrees are more of a liability than an asset because they’re so damned costly and, yet, employers value work experience far more than that costly degree.

“Where are all the good-looking black lesbians? Most black lesbians are ugly.” Chica, hit the mirror. So many black women, both straight and lesbian, think they’re way hotter than they are. This is not to say black women can’t be hot. There are plenty of hot black women. But I don’t know what’s up with black women and black men–they’re the first to call someone ugly when they’re not all that themselves. Some of the more physically attractive black lesbians I have encountered have also been some of the more open-minded in terms of what’s beautiful.

But the worst one, other than all this “I’m educated, I’m educated, I’m educated” snobbery has got to be the weight hate. Weight hate is getting out of hand in general, but up until this past weekend in the LGBT community I thought only white gay guys needed their teeth knocked down their throats for being such @ssholes about people being overweight. Apparently, a lot of black lesbians need to be kicked up to Canada. And the thing about being a black lesbian but being a complete @ss about women being overweight is…um, the majority of black women are overweight. If an Asian guy is an @ss about overweight women, if a white guy is an @ss about it…I can kind of see that. Asian women are rarely fat, relatively speaking, and white women are not fat at the same kind of rate as black women are. But if you’re black, then overweight women should be at least somewhat normal to you. So, again, where is all this snobbish bullschitt coming from? Oh, you grew up predominantly around white people? You were brainwashed by the media shoving white women with eating disorders in your face? What is it?

In any case of events, being overweight is becoming the norm. More and more people are going to have to get over it or be single, whatever you might think about how healthy it is or isn’t or it showing they don’t take care of themselves or whatever bullschitt excuse you have for hating overweight people.

I could keep going, but I’ve got work in the morning…so two last points: I guess black lesbians think they can get away with trashing black lesbians because they are black women or black lesbians. But being a black lesbian doesn’t make it okay; it makes it worse. We already get trashed by everyone else; we don’t need black lesbians to do it bigger and “better” than everyone else does.

Also, Atlanta is just that–Atlanta. Just because most black lesbians in Atlanta seem to be a certain way doesn’t mean that’s a reflection of how black lesbians are everywhere else. If you think that’s the case, you need to take some of that money you make from your good job and your education and your own everything and go see the US, something I have had the luxury of somewhat doing. If one city in the US makes you quick to give up on or look down on black lesbians on the whole and assume they’re all uneducated, all have slept with men, all have kids out of wedlock, all have nothing in common with you, all are ghetto or lack refinement, then you’re not as cultured as you think you are and you’re just looking for any excuse to “prefer” non-black women.

Over the last 10 years, it has amazed me the schitt black men talk about black women because, from my life experiences, I’d say no one has more reason to “hate” black women than black women do. Black women treat each other like schitt, and the things I’ve read from some ignorant black lesbians would have proved it even if I didn’t live it. And yet, these black lesbians who clearly don’t think other black lesbians are good enough don’t even really have much to offer as to their problems with black women aside from the shallow and superficial. I could provide story after story of bullschitt I’ve experienced at the hands of black women, starting from elementary school going all the way to as recently as law school. No one has more reason to hate black women than I do, and, yet, I don’t.

So, why am I going to be single? Because, yes, I do prefer black women–and I mean “prefer” the way it’s meant to be used, not the incorrect way most people use it when it comes to race and dating–the very women for whom I’m not good enough for, inevitably, about 5 reasons on a 21-demands list. I like women of color, and never say never but I don’t think I’d date a white woman ever again. But I’m not going to be by myself because black women aren’t good enough for me, like some people. Instead, I’m always the one who is not good enough–not for whites, not for my ex-girlfriends, surely not for Asians and now not for black women. That’s not a plea for sympathy–that’s just telling it how it is.

The end of my Crimson Wave Rant (cookies for those who know what “crimson wave” is and where it came from).

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Respecting Different Opinions

Today at work, Clara told me she is “against” people being gay. No, she doesn’t know I’m a lesbian. Work is probably the last place I’d ever come out, because you’re talking about putting your livelihood on the line…which I don’t think is worth it. I don’t have time–or money–to try to sue anybody, either.

Also, because work is the only place where I really interact with people, I get a kick out of a couple of things about being in the closet at work–1) how everyone assumes you’re straight, unless you are just obvious, and 2) the way people talk about gays and lesbians when they think they’re speaking to another straight person. I could never want to miss these two things.

In particular about #1, it’s not the assumption and its “privileges,” but the things I learn because of the assumption. What I love about #1 is, personally, I think there are too many signs that I’m not straight that people just don’t get. Lesson #1: Straight people do not have gaydar. Like, at all. Just because you’re straight and can recognize a feminine-acting man or a butch woman doesn’t mean you have gaydar. If you can’t figure out a female sports junkie who doesn’t wear makeup, never wears anything other than comfortable clothes, doesn’t wear jewelry, never does anything with her hair, doesn’t give men the time of day or talk about them romantically…just for starters…individually, these things don’t necessarily mean anything, but it should be enough to give an observant straight person (especially another woman) pause when all put together, I’d think. It doesn’t seem to, though.

About #2…I’ve found that people usually don’t, in my experience, come out and admit they have any issues with being gay or lesbian, regardless of whom they think you are. This is why I respect what Clara said to me today. Usually, people will bullschitt you in some way about gays and lesbians and their opinion. I can tell this is something other gays/lesbians haven’t learned, but I’m black. I know people are full of schitt when it comes to minority groups–all of them.

In the US, people love to do a black people vs gay people thing, just a way to make black people the bad guys because they’re sick of hearing about black people and racism. Finding ways to make black people incredibly intolerant is “in” right now. Usually, it’s white people making black people the bad guy when it comes to homosexuality, but sometimes you get some dumb black people joining in. Basically, according to these people, black people hate gay people. Black people are the only ones who hate gay people. Everyone else is so much more accepting, unless, perhaps, if they’re Republican or Christian or Southern (never mind that this is a good percentage of the population, much more so than black people make up, even if you exclude the black people who are also Republican, Christian and/or Southern. Incidentally, pointing the finger at any of these groups isn’t 100%).

I would say the majority of all [American] people fit into one of two camps: They are “against homosexuality,” or they are “okay with it” or “don’t care” at some point but say or do things at other points that indicate this is not entirely true. Personally, I’ve seen more “I don’t care, but then again, I do” stuff from people–black, white, whatever–than anything else. I know of so many black people who are like this–this is how my mother is. But maybe, just maybe, you’re more likely to get unapologetic honesty from blacks–and other racial minorities–than from white people.

I often find white LGBT allies and neutrals disingenuous in some sense, or exaggerated, or clueless, or don’t care/do care-ish. This is also how most white people are with race, and I do think the two are related–white people understand consequences of being brutally honest about gays/lesbians more than black people do, I’d say, because they’ve already seen or experienced white people suffering consequences of being brutally honest about blacks. We black people talk schitt about white people, and nothing happens. Talk schitt about Asians or Latinos…usually, not much happens, but sometimes it does (like, if the target is Jeremy Lin, NBA star). Talk schitt about gay people–surprise–schitt happens.

Bottom line–most people won’t just say what they really think about gays/lesbians or gay rights without trying to soften the blow somehow or without adding whatever statement that convinces them they’re not a bad person.

But Clara? Just flatout said she’s against women with women and men with men, and it’s not in the Bible and not what God wants.

Cookies for Clara. Seriously. I used to think that I couldn’t be friends with someone who thought like this…but…well…I am just not offended by her opinion. First of all, I view it as just that. I am not one of those people who thinks everyone has to agree with me about gay rights or else it means something really horrible about who they are or for my life. Her opinion does not make or break gay rights or any of my personal relationships [or lack thereof, on both counts]. She does some little bullschitt job for a major international company. Seriously, gay people, people who do little bullschitt jobs don’t mean schitt, unless they’re trying to cause you physical or financial harm.

Second, I don’t equate what she said to saying she hates gays/lesbians, and I think that’s the mistake most gays/lesbians make. Like I’ve written before at this blog, it’s about knowing how to read people. Even before our discussion about gays/lesbians came up, we talked about interacting with people. And she correctly pointed out several times that she talks to everyone. So, do I think she’d stop being friends with me if she knew I am a lesbian? No. Would she treat me differently? Yes, in the sense that it would end up part of our conversations and jokes/teasing, because that’s how she is. We talk candidly about all kinds of things most people wouldn’t, especially two people from different racial backgrounds. And she’s one of those rare women who doesn’t get offended by anything you say, and I always like to say I’m the same way.

So, no, I don’t have a problem with someone not bullschitting everybody, for a change, about her opinion on gays and lesbians. Of course, I had to give her a hard time about it, but she didn’t backtrack or try to clean it up–she stuck to what she said. I can’t stand people saying racist or homophobic schitt, then coming back with fake apologies and proclaiming they’re not racist/homophobic. We’re all racist, and we’re probably all homophobic to some degree, too. If you own your truth, I will respect it.

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White Women and a Sense of Entitlement

Obligatory Disclaimer: I usually try to stay away from posts like these, but on this particular issue I just can no longer continue to hold back anymore. So. If you’re someone who gets offended by candid discussions concerning race and/or sex/gender, or you do not like to hear/read about race and that there’s a such thing as racial differences, please click away from this page. Thank you much.

When I was in school, I took [almost] all the fuddy duddy courses in all the departments most people don’t respect–psychology, sociology, philosophy, anthropology, etc. When I was in law school, I took many of the “Race and Law,” “Gender and Law,” “Law and the Elderly” types of courses. I’m one of those kind of people. And people think you’ll never actually “use” these things, but, in fact, I’m about to use them right now.

This is the kind of post people who don’t follow the blog regularly will find in a search engine, so let me recap a few things. I work in the IT industry. Most of the jobs I’ve had since leaving school have been customer service oriented, and right now I work in a tech support type of capacity. I’m trying to get away from tech support because I hate it. I hate dealing with the people we support, but particularly the phone calls. Most people who work tech support/help desk/service desk complain about the people. I took my current job, knowing from my last tech support job that I’d hate it, because it pays pretty well for where I live. I have loved the money, but I am just about at my wits end and ready to take a pay cut to get out. I cannot express how sick of people I am. [Now you’re up to speed.]

But I have especially had it with white women. They are the worst customers, do you hear me? They are the bane of my existence. They are the ones whom when the phone rings and I look over at the caller ID to see who is calling and I start cursing before I pick up the phone…it’s almost always a white woman. They are the ones whom when I see an email land in the inbox and I’m sitting there like, “I do not want to answer this email. No way…somebody else is going to answer this @sshole”…it’s usually from a white woman. They are the ones whom when the guys I work with and I are sitting around complaining about certain people who call or email us…the person about whom we’re complaining is almost always a white woman. They, in my experience, are the most difficult customers…and it’s not even close.

This was surprising to me, for a while. When I was in the beginning stages of starting my career, I expected white men to be the difficult people to serve. And I have certainly had to deal with some difficult white men. Indeed, if you’re a scholar of the fuddy duddy stuff–you know, the social sciences and the humanities–and/or you like to read those kinds of things in your spare time (as I used to like to do), you love those discussions (as I still do)…you’ve probably been led to believe that white men are predominantly the bad guys. They have done most of the bad things in history. They are the ones who feel entitled to everything today. And this “white guy as the bad guy” idea is largely perpetuated by, surprise, a lot of white men–as historians, as psychologists, as researchers, as scholars and so on.

But it’s also heavily perpetuated by white female feminists. In fact, let’s get real–the average visible feminist is a white woman. Hell, the average feminist, period, is a white woman. Nothing wrong with being a feminist, and I’m not saying I’m not one. I’m just saying that my observation has been that women of color, even though black women buck some of the key gender roles/stereotypes in society, still on the whole subscribe to more sexist ideals than white women do and are still more brainwashed in their thinking of what men “should” do, what men “should” have, etc, vs women.

Anyway, when these white female feminists are talking about sex and gender in our society, they are clearly speaking relative to white men…because other men do not have oppressive power, at least not in terms of the system. So, these white women are complaining about white men and their entitlement and the fact that they get things because they’re white men. This is not to say other men don’t feel a sense of entitlement. I know from dealing with black men as a black woman that black men certainly feel a sense of entitlement. All types of men feel a sense of entitlement. But my points are 1) we only ever hear about entitlement in white men and how that’s a problem, and 2) white women’s problems with men are with white men.

The funny thing I’ve come to see, though, is tons of white women act just the way they take issue with when it comes to white men. In fact, socially? White women are worse than white men. I suppose they’re making up for not having that power systemically.

If you ever run across discussions of entitlement in white women, they tend to only focus on relationships. No–white women just…feel…entitled. Period. Even though I’m a lesbian, I don’t date white women. Never say never, but I more than likely won’t date a white woman ever again, for so many reasons. So, I can’t speak with any real experience when it comes to what white women are like in romantic relationships. The reason why I say they’re entitled is customer-based.

It’s that, in my experience, the following comes from white women more than anybody else:

1) “Why do I have to do this? I shouldn’t have to do this…I don’t understand why…and it shouldn’t be this difficult…why this…why that…when is this going to be fixed…”

2) “I need this done right now!”

3) -[Emails to tech support] “I’m having XYZ problem. Call me at 200-400-5000.” (For those who don’t understand, erm…users are supposed to call tech support. We’re not f*cking supposed to call you. And why the f*ck would you email us that you have a problem and then ask us to call you? Why didn’t your prissy @ss pick up the phone and just call us?!)

4) [Attitude on the line, with a lot exaggerated scoffing] “Uck, I can’t get into Oracle, and I keep getting this error message, and, uck, I can’t work like this, and uck…”

Me: “What is happening when you try to get into Oracle? What does the error message say?”

“Uck, I don’t know…uck…I just need it fixed now!”

[Trying to figure out how to help this b!tch when she won’t give me any useful information]

5) “I need to know when I’m going to be able to log into XYZ, because I’ve really got work I need to get done. I’ve got to be able to do this now.

Me: “Well, the admin who normally works on this issue is out of the office today.”

“Uck…who else can get this done for me? Who can I talk to? Who is the admin’s supervisor?”

“Tell you what, I will check with my supervisor to see who else can work on this issue for you.”

“Okay. Will you let me know?”

“Um…” hesitating because we don’t have time to be calling people back about schitt. Like I said, you call tech support; we don’t call you. “Yes, I will.”

[Thirty minutes later, an email goes out from this b!tch and another [white] b!tch to me, my supervisor, my supervisor’s supervisor, the admin who is out and a whole bunch of other people about this exact…same…issue. Funny thing is, they basically tell her the same schitt I told her, and all of a sudden she’s cool to just wait.]

6) “I’m calling to find out why we still haven’t received [user’s] laptop. We were supposed to receive it today, but it still has not arrived. Can you tell me when it was shipped out?”

[Shipping out laptops, unfortunately, has absolutely nothing to do with me because I no longer work in the position I want to work in at this company. So, I tell the user I will check and put her on hold]

Me: [after checking] “Hello? The laptop still has not shipped out yet. It looks like the user’s ID was just created, so the tech is only just now able to start setting up the user’s profile on his PC.”

“Oh, my gosh…I can’t believe this!” [Start of an angry rant. Erm, by the way…it was this b!tch’s fault anyways. She is the one who took forever to submit his f*cking paperwork, and that’s why his user ID was created so late. We can’t complete PC setups without a user ID because a tech has to log in as the user to set up his user profile. I calmly explained this schitt to this moron without trying to make it sound like I was blaming her]

7) [Email] “Please process these Oracle account creation forms for [users].”

[My co-worker responded to the email letting this b!tch know that she has not followed the correct process and that a manager needs to submit the forms through our intranet site]

[Response] “Well, that’s not how we did it before. [Life.overrated] helped me with this before, and I was able to email the forms in.”

[Yep…and that time before, the b!tch was trying to not follow the rules then, too. I had to go to my supervisor and get approval for this b!tch to get her way that time, and now she seems to think she can just not follow the rules every f*cking time and proceeds to argue back and forth with my co-worker]

That’s enough examples for right now (even though I failed to give an example on how white women also love to tell you how to do your job), but let me be clear on two things–1) these b!tches are not b!tches because they’re white; they’re b!tches because they’re pushy, demanding, argumentative, don’t treat people the way they want to be treated, and think rules/processes don’t or shouldn’t apply to them. This is how people who feel a sense of entitlement act when they are not getting their way or when things are not going the way they “feel” they should. 2) All kinds of people behave in ways similar to the provided examples, but I’m simply saying my experience is more (and not all) white women consistently do these things. All of these examples are of white women–except one.

Example #6 is, according to one of my co-workers, a black female. Now, if you’re smart, you should have been questioning how is it that we answer emails and phones but somehow know the race of the people we serve. There are three main ways, and some of the more politically correct among us won’t like one of these ways:

1) Sometimes at least one of us who does anything with tech support at my company has met the person. This is why we know the person in example #6 is black…because she damn sure doesn’t sound black. The new tech and I were shocked as hell when Wannabe Cool Tech told us #6 is black, and he said he thought she was joking when he met her and she told him who she was (WCT is white). So, of course, we get difficult black customers/users at times. However, my observation has been that the more difficult blacks tend to be black women who seem…for lack of a better term, “white-washed”…hence the stunning revelation that #6 is not white.

There is a black chick who works in the same building I do who is now friendlier and all “hey, girl!” when she needs assistance, but for months when I first started working at the company she was a hateful, pushy little b!tch whenever she needed anything. She is, you can tell, a “white” black female. And I don’t mean anything bad about being a “white” black person, as I am pretty “white” myself…I just don’t “ack a fool” with people who work customer service-type positions. If you’ve read about Belinda before in my blog…Belinda, though she hangs with only blacks at work, has got some whiteness to her, as well, especially vocally.

2) I’ve mentioned before, but a lot of people at my company throw a profile picture into their email accounts. So, when they email us, we either confirm they’re white or we see for the first time they’re white.

3) Look, I’m sorry if you don’t like this, but 90-95% of the time you should be able to tell when someone is white or black on the phone. It has nothing to do with intelligence, contrary to popular belief. Black people and white people–usually and typicallyjust…sound…different…okay? I am intelligent, but I also sound black. Barack Obama is intelligent, but he sounds black. It’s not a matter of speaking correct or “proper” English. We have different tones and depths of voice. Black people often have deeper voices. There are certain words a white person is more likely to use. Things like that. It’s lazy to chalk it up to intelligence, but it’s also lazy to deny that we don’t sound the same because you can sit and analyze the differences, even breaking it down regionally (black Southerners sound different from blacks other places, for example, but they also sound different from white Southerners). Now, you can sometimes tell when you’re dealing with a Latino(a) or Asian, too, but that’s a matter of accent. Otherwise, they tend to sound more like white people.

If you read my blog, you might know about my last “ex-girlfriend.” One of the first things I said to her when I first heard her voice is that she sounds white. She got pissed and started lecturing me on how there’s no such thing. We never really talked about it again, but sorry…there’s a such thing. She just doesn’t think so because she is from an African family and has had a lot of acquaintances who are from “foreign” families. Well, as I mentioned just a second ago, being more “foreign” is a little bit trickier, more diverse. But it’s not tricky for white Americans and black Americans.

I will say, though, that if I can even find a group that comes in 2nd behind white women as being a nightmare to deal with, it is those more “foreign” people–probably most especially “foreign” women and perhaps even including the American-born ones with immigrant parents. Can’t break it into groups as far as Indian, Latino(a), Chinese, except maybe to lean towards people from the continent of Asia who live in the US most of all (so, in other words, I’m saying Asian and Indian-Asian women)…just all of them. They are difficult customers who also act with some sense of entitlement, and they are, perhaps, only a distant 2nd to white women just because of the frequency with which an American is going to interact with white women vs “foreign” customers.

Over the past few months, I have done a few internet searches on this topic. That’s why I have found that a lot of discussions about white women and entitlement focus on relationships. But a couple of months ago, I found a discussion on lipstickalley.com that let me know I wasn’t the only one who found white female customers overwhelmingly give service workers the dickens…unfortunately, I can no longer find that thread, or else I would link to it. I was surprised at the near unanimity of opinion on white women’s difficulty in that thread, though.

I did, however, find one true read that somewhat explains why white men are perceived as feeling entitled and why my experience with people “acking a fool” is almost always with white women as opposed to, say, black people. Also, even though this is about a relationship, I want you to skip to the 5:20 mark of this video and watch for about 50 seconds. Note that the blog post is an acknowledgement of white entitlement by a white male and that the video features probably one of the most racist white characters ever on TV essentially describing white women much the same way as I have. Even though the female described in the clip turns out to be black, she is yet another one of those “white” black chicks (watch the rest of the video if you have time to see what I’m talking about and to get an example of the difficult b!tches I deal with at work).

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To Forgive and Forget

I’ve always wished I could hold grudges, but usually I can’t. I think not being that type of person has resulted in my being okay with people when I shouldn’t have been. I’ve always said that I get over things in about 24 hours, and if I’m not over it after 48 hours then it’s pretty bad. I’m not sure there’s a rhyme or reason as to what types of things I can’t get over. For example, some people can’t forgive lying. But I think everyone lies and that lying is natural, so why would I be a stickler for honesty? There are times when I can understand a lie.

Earlier today, I was reading about a falling out this guy had with a friend after coming out to him as gay. He described the situation, and one part really stuck out–his friend said something like he had to question why he was spending his time “obsessed” with the gay guy. This made me think about one of my friendships that fell apart a long, long time ago.

I met this friend whom I will call Katie back in, like, 2nd grade. We became best friends. To be honest, from about Kindergarten to some time in high school I had a different best friend from year to year most years. Katie was my best friend in between some years I had classes with this other girl who was my best friend…and then Katie and I had classes with each other again in junior high school, when we became best friends again and when I really started to like her.

Katie was not my first crush, but she was my first big crush. I never thought about whether or not she liked me in return. I never made a move or did anything to show my interest. I probably was just possessive, which I don’t think is abnormal between young female friends. Anyway, being possessive didn’t work. When I was a kid, my friendships with black girls always seemed to go the same way–I would really like a particular girl as a friend, and there would be this other group of girls who didn’t like me who would sabotage my friendships with the girls I liked. There was one b!tch in particular who was always involved in ruining my friendships, but her entourage wasn’t always the same. This was over several years, and it happened with both of the best friends I mentioned having early in elementary school, with Katie being one of them. So, I wasn’t ever able to “possess” Katie, but the b!tch club was. Katie and I spent long stretches of time not speaking to each other.

I don’t really know what the b!tch club was saying to Katie, although I had another friend whom I did find out some of the lies they’d said that I’d said about her. But I know now that the b!tch club wasn’t the only thing–and probably not even the predominant thing–ruining my friendship with Katie.

My parents had talked about moving for a long time, but they finally were ready to do that when I was going to the 8th grade. Unlike most kids would be, I was so happy. I wanted to go to another school. I wanted to live somewhere else. I told people at school I was moving and going to a new school the next year, and it was obvious I was excited. I wasn’t moving that far away, but it was far enough for me. I had kind of found a new “group” of friends, or, really, two, since things weren’t working well with trying to be friends with Katie and the b!tch club. I had two white guy friends, and we bonded over alternative music. And I had a group of white female friends, and two of them seemed to love me to death. Even after I moved, I had a hard time getting rid of them. But Katie seemed upset that I was moving and wouldn’t talk to me anymore after I moved, even though I tried to call her.

I’m kind of amazed, looking back, because as an adult I have a super-hard time getting over women…but it didn’t take very much time at all to get over Katie, even though I probably liked her for nearly two years. There were other girls after Katie.

Flash forward 5, almost 6 years. I’m in college, and it’s Christmas break. I’m home with my parents, and I get a phone call. It’s Katie!

Katie and I talked for a long time, and we talked about a lot of different things. But there’s really only one part of the conversation I remember.

Katie was going to college out of state, which was a little surprising because so many people where I’m from don’t really do that. They might go to school in the tri-state area, but that’s about as far as most people are going. Apparently, she was going to college with this other girl I remembered from back when I was going to school with Katie, and they were roommates. Katie started telling me about how everyone at her college thought she and this girl were lesbians, and they were being given a hard time about it. I remember she got really worked up about it and started kind of going off about how she’s not a lesbian.

But she also started telling me more about her “friendship” with this girl, and the way she was describing things sounded more like a romantic relationship–lovers’ quarrels and such. Apparently, they used to fight about me. Now, remember–I hadn’t spoken to Katie in over 5 years. The gist of these fights, if I remember correctly, just sounded a lot like Katie’s “friend” was jealous because she had reason to believe Katie was interested in me.

I don’t really remember a lot about my response–I think I just let Katie talk and talk. And at one point I think I said there’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian. I didn’t tell Katie I was a lesbian because I wasn’t yet thinking of myself as such. I didn’t have that worked out and was really nowhere near having it worked out then. And as far as her telling me all this stuff, I think I was just like, “Why is she telling me all this?”

Katie wanted to hang out since we were both home for break, so we did. It was awkward. She had changed. I don’t really know how to describe it. She had big baggy clothes on and was driving this big SUV, blasting rap music. You know, at that time, I had a bunch of white friends who mainly liked really commercial music. There were these girls who lived on my hall who were obsessed with *NSYNC and watched TRL on MTV every day because *NSYNC was a TRL mainstay. My friends and I used to burn mix CDs, and they’d have Britney Spears, Shania Twain, Vitamin C, Spice Girls on them. That’s the best example I can give of how culturally different Katie and I had become from each other.

Katie still wanted to communicate with me, though, but I wasn’t particularly interested. It wasn’t just how different we were.

See, one of the reasons I wanted to move and go to another school was I needed to get away from the b!tch club and girls like them, and just the whole dynamic of having friends who weren’t my friends because of them. I don’t think I was ever sad that I wouldn’t be seeing Katie, and that says something. I remember I almost ended up going to high school with Katie and the b!tch club anyway. Even though I no longer lived in the city, my address still was considered to be in their school district. My mother and I went through a lot to make sure I didn’t end up at that school. She knew I didn’t need to be around those kind of girls. My high school years would have been miserable. I’m also not sure I would have ended up attending the kind of universities I ultimately attended, because this was a bad school.

I mean, to be honest, there were tears shed when I thought I’d have to go to that high school. I’m not going into a lot of details about what it was like dealing with those girls and people like them, but it really was a big deal to me that I not have to go back to that. One of the reasons I was happy to move where I did was because I figured I’d be going to a different high school.

I guess if there’s anything that consistently leads to my holding some sort of grudge, it’s…not being a real friend and not being there. I could never be friends or anything else with Katie after she saw how those girls treated me and still sided with them and wouldn’t speak to me. Why would I ever consider dating someone like that? I know now that a lot of it probably had to do with her struggling with her feelings and such. Even though I know a lot of gay and lesbian people avoid people to whom they’re attracted or treat them poorly when they’re struggling with their orientation, that still actually makes things worse somehow. How could you have a thing for me to the point where it lasted for years, where you’re fighting with your current girlfriend over it when we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in years, but you couldn’t have my back? Why would I ever date Katie, or even just be friends with her, after that?

I don’t know what Katie feels today, but Katie actually tried to contact me again last year on Facebook. This would be over 10 years after she tried to contact me in college. I took a look at her profile, and I noticed that she was engaged to a woman. I had already found out years before that she came out, so I wasn’t surprised. I didn’t accept her friend request for a while. For one thing, I’d fully figured out at that point why I didn’t want to interact with Katie. For another, I was worried about what exactly she wanted with me. Eventually, I accepted her friend request…not sure why anymore. I think maybe I just wanted to see her full profile or something, just being nosy. Sure enough, she sent me a message afterwards.

I now would classify this as doing her a favor–I ignored the message. I never wrote back to her. Again, I don’t know what she wanted with me. I don’t even know how she found me, as I’m not in the Facebook search. Between that and history, I don’t feel safe in just chalking it up to her wanting to merely be Facebook friends. So, if she was engaged and contacting me for more than just Facebook friendship…yeah, I did her a favor. There’s no reason to contact another female if you’re trying to marry someone. I also look at the woman she’s with on Facebook and suspect that she’s a much better match for Katie than me.

After reading the gay guy’s situation today, I looked Katie up on Facebook. I noticed two things–1) it now say she’s in a domestic partnership with this woman, and 2) she un-friended me. I kind of laughed at the un-friending. Again, if Katie’s interested in me at all and she’s “married,” then it’s for the best that we have nothing to do with each other. If she hasn’t moved on, she needs to. It’s kind of disconcerting to think there might be someone out there who has been stuck on me for 15+ years. When we were kids, I had no clue she had any interest in me…and then one day I got that weird phone call.

I seriously hope she has moved on and I don’t hear from her again.

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That’s a Bad Bitch

So, yesterday I broke down “bitches” for you–three general categories of bitches. I know a lot of women get offended by the word “bitch,” especially when someone is referring to another woman as a bitch.

It’s bad when men do it because it’s seen, to some degree, as a form of sexism and disrespect. The assumption there is the individual using the word only refers to women as bitches. I know I call any and everyone a bitch. In fact, one of my earlier posts on this blog was about how men are bitches, too.

It’s bad when women do it because…well…1) “men degrade women enough without women degrading women, too”…and 2) somewhat related to #1, there’s, on occasion, this false idea that women either somehow have some sense of unity, understanding or some such nonsense to/with each other, or should or could, and calling another woman a bitch undermines this.

One of my points in telling you about bitches is that not all bitches are bad, or being a bitch is not always a bad thing. I have had a couple of friends call me a bitch. It was cool–I knew how it was meant. One of my friends and I actually used to joke about being a club of bitches. She’s not as bitchy as she used to be, and I think that’s unfortunate. I would say the same for one of my sisters. Truth is people run over you when you’re not a bitch. Hell, people run over me anyways. Scratch that–women run over me; men are pretty good to me (one of a few reasons why, much to the chagrin of a lot of LGBT people, I must say I kinda wish I were a heterosexual). But you get run over more if you’re not one, especially if you’re a woman.

But there really are some bad bitches out there. Pointing this out doesn’t automatically equate to hating women or thinking ill of all women. Really, there’s only one woman right now about whom I sit around and think, “Whoa, she is a bad bitch.” Or more accurately, I think stuff like “that bitch is a bitch” or “man, I can’t stand that bitch.”

Latest example (there are plenty of others throughout the history of this blog):

So, I know about two or so weeks ago, I wrote about how the afternoon tech geek (ATG) at work told me that the female tech geek (FTG) got in a bit of trouble and has gotten in trouble in the past over how she doesn’t take lunch when she’s supposed to. When she got in trouble the last time, I had the day off. The other times she’s gotten in trouble were before I was hired. Apparently, she has been told multiple times that she needs to go to lunch at a specific time. No one has ever said anything to me about this, but I think the reasons why this matters are because 1) there are certain times of the day when we get the least amount of phone calls, and that’s kind of when it makes sense for us to go to lunch, 2) if someone doesn’t go to lunch on time, it kind of throws everything off and we could end up with a situation in which less people are in the office to receive tech calls but we’re getting a lot of calls and/or emails because of what time it is, and 3) other people who don’t work in tech support but work in our suite will be expecting certain tech geeks to be around at certain times and then they can find that the tech geek isn’t there when needed.

Now, #3 happens all the time because FTG won’t go to lunch on time. We have to go to lunch one after the other–we can’t go at the same time because there has to be at least two tech geeks around in the office. FTG goes first. The last one of us to go to lunch is the most important tech geek in our office. He has worked there longer and, thus, knows more than everyone. So, a lot of people depend on him, and they think he goes to lunch at a certain time. But because of FTG, he often goes to lunch really late–sometimes about a full hour late–and this leaves a lot of people, particularly the owners and our supervisor, looking for him and needing him when he’s not there but should be.

Like I said, no one has had to tell me any of this. It’s as plain as day, and I have worked there just less than four months. FTG has worked there for years, so she should know this. I just think she flatout doesn’t care. It seems not to matter how many times she’s told to go to lunch on time. She just does what she wants to do without regard for anyone else. I mean, besides all the issues I mentioned above…shit, people are just hungry at some point during the day, or–definitely for me–just need a break. Or some people make plans for during lunchtime. But we’re being held hostage because FTG is just doing whatever the fuck she wants to do.

One of my huge “pet peeves” is people doing stuff without regard for others, especially when the effects of what they’re doing are pretty clear. I also have an issue with people repeatedly being told something and just not getting it or just refusing to do so.

This chick has been every day this week with this shit–this going to lunch 30 and 45 minutes later than she’s supposed to. I said to the important tech geek when she left for lunch today that I’d been told we’re supposed to take lunch on a relatively strict time frame, trying to see if he’d confirm this. He didn’t really do that. But by the way that our owners and supervisors act on days when we all go to lunch pretty late, I tend to side with ATG and believe what he said. He just told me that I should say something to FTG when she’s not moving at her lunchtime. I responded that I can’t tell if she’s working on something really important when she goes to lunch late or not, and if she’s working on something then that’s one thing. But sometimes it just seems like she’s not doing anything that essential and is just not going to lunch on time because she doesn’t want to. Like today.

Today, she went to lunch almost 45 minutes late. And she does stuff like…she’ll go to lunch late and then not take her full hour. Unless she’s going to lunch at 45 mins after the hour and coming back in 15-20 minutes, um…cutting her hour short doesn’t do our suite that much good. Coming back 25-30 minutes into my scheduled lunchtime doesn’t help our suite.

The funny thing is after that tech geek and I finished talking about these late lunch breaks, the field tech geek came in and told us about how he and another worker in our suite just saw FTG…they’d tried to be friendly and acknowledge her and she just looked at them and then ignored them. Yep–I can tell. She’s just like, “fuck these people at work” in her mind, even though no one’s really done anything to her, as far as I can tell. She doesn’t give a shit who is inconvenienced or what our supervisor says or who tries to be nice to her or about working together to help clients.

And the field tech was just like, “She’s going to kill all of us.” Because, you know, I wrote a while ago about how the guys at work “joke” about which one of us is going to snap and kill everyone someday. And I wrote it’s probably going to be her. Apparently, I’m not alone in figuring this out. He called her crazy a few days ago. I wholeheartedly agree. And tell you what–I know I’ll be the first one dead. My mother says it’ll be because I’m the only black person there. I just think it’s because it’s increasingly obvious that I don’t care for her. Not good at hiding my feelings–not just at work but in general. The field tech thinks he’s the first one who will die, but I think it makes more sense if it’s me. Given that my life is already in question like that, why on earth would I say anything to her about her needing to go to lunch?

Look, don’t call the cops yet. I still think that because she’s a woman there’s a good chance she’s not going to kill us. Plus, I’ve known virtually my whole life how I will die, and that’s cancer–like nearly everyone else in my mother’s family. I still believe that. If this were a white guy we were talking about who was weird like she is, then I might have quit by now. Or bought a bulletproof vest. (Er, for those who don’t get it, shooting up entire job offices is overwhelmingly a white male crime. Black guys do “simple” stuff like knock off stores, carjack and shoot at apartment complexes. Black women pull out other black women’s weaves over some worthless “man.” White women kill themselves by over-dieting or over-tanning. You get the picture, hopefully.)

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Anderson Cooper’s Coming Out Is Not News

I definitely have stories about work, but I think I’ll try to save those for a while.

Right now, I’m thinking about this Anderson Cooper crap. In fact, I hate to even blog about it in a way, because I feel it draws even more attention to something that just doesn’t need the amount of attention it’s receiving.

Look, I belong to several minority groups, including the so-called LGBT “community.”

But I don’t understand the hoopla surrounding Cooper’s coming out.

And I don’t just mean that in the sense that “everyone already knew.” I mean that to ask “why is coming out news?”

I get that these people are celebrities. I get that some of the ones who have come out have always portrayed a heterosexual image, some of the images hyper-heterosexual, a la Ricky Martin (even though he didn’t fool a lot of people). I know that a lot of people make assumptions that lead them to conflate or equate–sometimes incorrectly–not announcing a homosexual orientation with shame and/or self-hate. And I know that many people believe that the more people coming out and being visible, the more it helps gay people and gay rights.

I think coming out is an individual thing. I know it’s a cultural thing…meaning that white Americans can feel a lot more safe coming out than so many other other people can and can believe in the importance/necessity of coming out in a way that not everyone else can. It should not be mandatory just because of a belief that it hurts someone else if a totally different person remains closeted or that it helps someone totally different if you come out. The specifics of a person’s situation should matter, and I think, with very few exceptions, people should do what’s best for them and put themselves first. Standing up, standing out, being a leader, breaking down barriers…those things are not for everyone. Because a lot of other people are willing to play those roles for gays and lesbians right now, it seems as if every time you turn around there’s someone whom you can say, “Oh, he’s gay.” And the more true that becomes, the more I fail to understand why some people think every gay person coming out is totally necessary or why every time a gay celebrity comes out it’s news on the level of missing children and serial rapists that has to be written about or discussed for two weeks. Then again, all kinds of garbage is considered news nowadays.

There is already such normalcy to being gay in the US, to the point where I’m not sure coming out is the big story anymore. It’s not perfect. I’m here to tell you as a black person that it never will be perfect for gay people. It certainly will never be perfect for gay black people. There are other issues gay people are facing, but those issues aren’t so much about visibility as they’re about setting a precedent. If gay people are trying to get married, get divorced or have children, that’s beyond being about visibility and coming out. So are legal rights and issues of discrimination, really. The acceptance thing, though? I mean, generally the issue of getting others to accept gay people? I don’t know about you, but as a 30-something I’m beyond the idea that people are going to accept me or that I can somehow make people accept me. As I wrote before on this blog, my default position is that at best most people just don’t give a shit about me. And that would be true regardless of my race, sexual orientation or sex–those things just make my default position even more true.

I’m sorry, I just don’t see where Coop’s coming out is a congratulatory thing or a newsworthy thing. The dude didn’t just win the Nobel Prize–he indirectly told us something about himself, his private self. I don’t see what step that is towards gay people being accepted or not being discriminated against, particularly as someone who can look back at history, the marches, the legal battles, integration and compare it to my current life and–yeah–my life is better than that in many ways, but I still can’t say that I feel racially accepted in the US. And I can tell plenty of personal stories about racial discrimination. And if not coming out before meant he was ashamed before…for me, that’s his business. I think plenty of people, gay and straight, are on the record as not seeing anything to be ashamed of regarding homosexuality. Some people are ashamed, some people will be ashamed and many people aren’t and won’t be. What can we really do about that? There are always people who are ashamed of who they are. We can’t force everyone to be the same, to think the same or to accept themselves.

Have coming out and increased visibility led to more acceptance? Certainly. But is there going to be a plateau point or even a point of diminishing returns? Probably. And I think a lot of people are at the point where they hear another famous person has come out, and they’re almost more intolerant just because they’re tired of these types of stories. To me, for being gay to truly be seen as normal, we have to at some point move away from announcing every gay person to, for example, just letting them go in public with their same-sex partner and just letting that speak for itself. At some point, that needs to be okay instead of taken as shame just because someone is not giving the media direct quotes to plaster all over every media outlet. And a logical explanation for not coming out, such as the one below, should be acceptable instead of assumed to be shame:

Since I started as a reporter in war zones 20 years ago, I’ve often found myself in some very dangerous places. For my safety and the safety of those I work with, I try to blend in as much as possible… -Anderson Cooper

Again, there probably needs to be more recognition and acknowledgment of the fact that, although the American society is not 100% accepting, it’s far more accepting–including black Americans, who are often made out to be the bad guys–than many other nations, cultures and societies are.

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The Big Kiss-Off

You know how when you break up with someone, there is almost always a song that fits? Maybe not perfectly, but it reminds you of your situation quite a bit?

This was not a breakup, really. Something like a breakup happened last year. A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that the last woman I was involved with told me we shouldn’t communicate for about a year or so after that breakup, and I had to decide if I really needed or wanted to try and be friends with her at some point. But telling me maybe we could be friends someday instead of being my friend now or never, I feel, just kept me on a string vs getting closure and moving on emotionally.

So today, I got closure. “Closure.” It has always sounded so fake and cheesy, hasn’t it? But sometimes you really do need it. It didn’t feel good at first, and there will probably be other times when it doesn’t feel good. But afterwards, I thought about it, and all of my thoughts are ones I’ve had before that now make me wonder why I didn’t go ahead and do what I already knew I needed to do sooner. Repeatedly, I’ve thought to myself about how I’m just in limbo unless I completely cut her off or get her back in my life in some active fashion. And repeatedly, I’ve thought about…well…the lyrics to the song “Someday” by Mariah Carey, basically.

I need to emphasize that I don’t mean what I’m about to write to come across as vindictive or bitter or anything else negative, although it probably does. I don’t have the best feelings in the world towards her, and I probably never will again. And this is not meant to be a message to her. I am writing what’s on my mind right now and, really, what’s been there for months–just wasn’t able to articulate it until today–and I hope someone else relates to it or realizes this is how he/she should look at a breakup.

Here it is:

Honestly, I just think she’s stupid. She’s incredibly intelligent, which is my one of my top two or three favorite things about her, but she’s just a damn moron when it comes to love and relationships. And I don’t mean “inexperienced”–I mean exactly what I just wrote.

When I hear songs like “Someday,” I normally can’t relate at all (I’ve never even particularly liked the song that much). I have just always thought it was crazy to sit there and talk about how great you are and assure someone that he or she will be sorry he/she ditched you. But that’s seriously how I feel. I am not into self-worth aggrandizement. “I will survive,” “big is beautiful,” “black power,” “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it”–not for me. Typically, I’m the type of person who sits around trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I can fix it. So, that’s not the reason why I say she’ll be sorry. I just know me, I know her and I know lesbians. If she thinks she can find someone else better for her than me someday, good-freakin-luck. It’s gonna be hella hard.

She can say, for whatever reason, that she’ll never have a relationship with a woman or can’t have one any time soon, and I can say the same thing for the reason that I’m tired of crap like this happening. But I probably will have another relationship at some point, and so will she–official, unofficial, whatever. It’s too hard to avoid. Regardless of the point any of us is at in our lives or the circumstances or what we tell ourselves, it’s really beyond our control 99% of the time that we’ll meet someone and something will happen. So, when it happens again for her, I strongly believe that eventually she’ll realize that things she said and did…she had no idea what she was saying or doing, that it’s not always the way Hollywood and fairy tales portray it and she was wrong. She may or may not miss me now, but she will when she sees what else is out there and compares them to me. It has already happened a couple of times with her, and it will happen again. This is why I said she threw our friendship away. Truthfully, she threw more than friendship away. She’s going to have a hard time finding something and someone so valuable elsewhere.

Whether or not I turn out to be right is of no consequence to me. During my lunch break away from work, I just looked at the lyrics to the song and laughed.

I laughed.

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Giving Up On Love, the New Norm?

This past weekend, I was looking through threads on a forum that I visit every now and then. Without giving away what type of forum it is, I will say that it is frequented by people who are introverts. I ran across a thread that basically asked how everyone there planned to  find love, given their age and personality (this was, I think, the 30+ section). A pretty good percentage of the people who responded–and many did–gave some version of the first thing that came to my mind for myself:

“I don’t.”

In other words, a lot of people there had “given up.” And because of the type of people who visit this forum, this was probably the only place I’ve seen where you can say you’ve given up and you have way more responses of agreement than the typical (and cheesy) “you’ll find someone when you’re not looking” or “there’s someone out there for everybody” and all the other garbage that people who have given up don’t want to hear/read. Sure, there was a little bit of that. But in general, it was person after person who believes he or she will be single forever and doesn’t plan to do anything about it. As I said, given their personality type, these people probably won’t do anything about it. This is not to say they will remain single and won’t find love, but not doing anything decreases your odds–especially if you’re a guy (because guys are still expected to be the approacher and women still approach men less than men approach women).

I got to thinking about what that thread might mean, and I did a little internet search for support.

My theory? More and more people are giving up on finding love. 

What might this mean?

Well, in the US over the past 20 years or so, we had reached a point where–as far as marriage is concerned–something that was less common became, essentially, the norm. That something is divorce. I’m starting to think the new wave of what’s normal, as far as marriage is concerned, will be less and less people getting married, more and more people being on their own. While seeing that a lot of people are out there proclaiming “I give up” sparked this belief, there are many other things out there that probably will play a role in this theory becoming reality, if it ever does.

Some of these things are complicated and ironic to think about–in particular, the increase in interracial dating/marriage and the increase in the number of people understanding that they’re not heterosexual. Although I do believe that gay marriage will be legalized throughout much of the US in a relatively short period of time (when you think about other “civil rights movements”), there are still other complications with that–the difficulty of finding gay partners vs straight ones, the number of people who still won’t feel comfortable coming out of the closet but don’t want to enter into a heterosexual union and so on. And interracial relationships, however un-PC it comes off to some people to point this out, work in the favor of certain racial and sex groups to the detriment of others. Certain groups seem to be gaining a wider net of options while others seem to be losing options. It’s complicated, so I’ll leave it at that.

I could also, perhaps, point to people who have been married and divorced and just don’t ever want to get married again or think marriage is not for them. Or people who have “learned a lesson” by looking at their parents and their failed marriage(s). And, of course, there are people who get fed up with relationships or being rejected.

Obviously, a lot of people who say they give up are full of crap. Like…these people who are 19 or 20 years old talking about “I’ll never find someone” when they’ve barely been out of diapers. But the older people who say this have a lot more power to set my theory into motion, because if there are a lot of people out there who feel this way and, thus, will not approach anyone or get on online dating sites…this will affect other people, will it not? Maybe it causes other people to give up, for one thing. It certainly can keep connections from being made…unless, of course, you’re the type of person who either believes in fate or who believes that pretty much no one who “gives up” actually gives up.

Personally, I’m thinking that I just need a reality check every now and then, and that’s why I never can completely steer clear of “love.” It’s like that thing that we all have–maybe a friend or a previous job or, even, an ex–that we ditched for a pretty good reason, and then at some point we think back or even go back because we couldn’t remember why we left in the first place. That’s the only purpose romantic relationships seem to serve for me, at least at this point in my life–they remind me of why I try to steer clear of relationships. I have not been sufficiently brainwashed by society, I don’t think, to keep trying out relationships for the more romanticized reasons. I start pretty much every relationship or emotional attachment knowing it’s not going to work for whatever reason. Most of the time in my life, I don’t even want a relationship. Rarely have I ever wanted to be married.

So, I’d recently gotten my necessary reminder, and I’d been keeping it at the forefront of my mind. This was cool, until my mother recently starting making a point that gives me pause–who is going to take care of me when I get older?

This, along with money, are the only things that ever scare me about being single forever. I know this seems unbelievable, selfish or both to a lot of people. But these are the two things that make me think, “Whoa, maybe I really do need to find someone.” Although I would honestly guess that money being a motivator is not unique for a lot of people, especially [heterosexual] women. I’m just not sure how much of finding someone to be with is about that for these people and how much is about more romanticized notions.

But for me, the thing is if I were making a good amount of money, I wouldn’t worry about this. I would simply be able to pay for really good care. But since I likely will be poor all of my days (if for no other reason than student loans), I do have to think about what my life will be like in a couple of decades. I’ve also realized by looking around that being single literally doesn’t pay. There are people who make what I make, and they have a house, a car, independence and can, more or less, pay all of their bills…because they’re married to someone who is also bringing in money. If this is not the case, then you have to be partnered up with someone in some way to make it. One of my co-workers has a roommate. I live with my parents. At least in the US, it is becoming more and more impossible to get by here as a single person. It’s too expensive living and being single. You have to have more than one income, especially if you’re a woman (because we still get paid less or do jobs that pay less than jobs that tend to attract more men).

With the way that morons are destroying the country, it will only become even harder to live here. Republicans want to get rid of any governmental assistance…stuff like social security, unemployment benefits, medicaid. And it will probably happen, or those programs will provide less than they currently do. And Democrats seem to talk the talk but leave everything status quo, whether it’s because Republicans veto everything they think will help or because they just don’t know what to do or–like all other politicians–are just flatout full of schitt…or, if you’re Obama, because you’d rather be out at lowly NCAA Tournament games between 16 seeds (I mean, dude is neglecting his job not even for the national championship game–it was 16 seeds playing to officially get into the the Tournament. And the game itself was horrible, btw–not even worth his time).

For the first time, I am really starting to see why some people look for someone who has money. I might have to give this more consideration.

In the meantime, I am back to thinking about something I’ve thought about a few times before–an arranged marriage. I’m thinking maybe I should just grab a guy I can tolerate and ask him for a business-like marriage. I’m sure there’s a gay guy out there I can talk into this. The only problem is I can’t make this type of marriage work any better than I could make a marriage-for-love work. A business arrangement carries the very real possibility that one of us will actually meet someone we want to be with and want out of the arrangement. There’s no guarantee this person will take care of me when I need it most, nor is there a guarantee that I will always have this person’s money to help me out.

Hmmm, marrying financially well is looking better and better as I type this…especially a rich old man. 😉

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Samantha Brick Has a Point

For those who don’t know or who forgot, Samantha Brick is the chick who’s too sexy for France, the UK, the American media and…well, female friends. Maybe instead of writing this article that seemed to piss everyone off, she should have just put out a Right Said Fred remix? She would probably be more liked than she is right now, plus would have more money.

Although some of her stories to support her belief that women don’t like beautiful women seem a little crazy, her basic belief is not that crazy. I would not necessarily frame it as “women don’t like beautiful women,” though. And it’s far from all women. But there are many women out there who have issues with attractive women–enough for me to not really have a problem with what Brick has to say. I can’t say anything about the truth of her experiences, given that I don’t know her and don’t know what people in Europe are like. I don’t really have an opinion about her supporting arguments, but I can look at my personal experiences and observations.

Warning: This post has the potential to offend some people. If you are easily offended or have issues with candid racial discussions or homosexuality, please exit now.

Okay…You have been warned. 😉

Before I get more into why I kind of agree with Brick, I would like to point out two big things that jump out to me about the discussion surrounding what Brick had to say.

1) A lot of people have looked at Brick and said something like, “She’s not even that good-looking.” Well…I’m hearing this from a lot of Americans. But Brick lives in France, I think, and she’s from the UK, I believe. What some Americans do and don’t find attractive is not necessarily going to be the same standard in other nations. In fact, Americans don’t even all have the same standard for Americans. My observation is that what is attractive depends quite a bit on the race, sex, sexual orientation, primary environment and age of the person judging, and we also tend to go through general “fads” in the US in terms of what is attractive.

One of the only things that I’ve seen come close to being universally attractive or attractive throughout time is being a blonde as a female. Brick does have blonde hair. I don’t know about Europe, but–to me–in the US at this particular time, what’s in for women is being blonde (as always), Asian or Latina, perhaps in that order. And what that means is if you fit the fad, you don’t have to be attractive to get the attention of men–you just have to have some characteristic that is “in,” i.e. blonde hair, or being Asian or Latina. In fact, if it isn’t in the article I linked to above, I believe it’s in another article where Brick says that she didn’t start getting all of this attention from men until she started coloring her hair blonde.

Now, with the exception of Latin ancestry, these fads are not the same for women-to-men attraction. As best as I can tell as a lesbian, the men who are in are rich, powerful, good-looking and/or muscular white men (as always), black men and Latinos–but not Asians–and probably in that order. These are the guys who can be attractive even if they’re not actually physically attractive, at least at this point in time in the US.

The other thing that I believe has been overlooked when assessing Brick’s attractiveness is her age. In other words, I think one of the reasons a lot of people say she’s nothing special is because it’s obvious she’s not in her 20s. While there’s a growing sect in the US that especially appreciates women in their early 40s, there is still probably a larger sect that has a hard time finding a woman in her 40s especially attractive. Brick ends her article by indirectly acknowledging this sentiment, i.e. saying how she looks forward to age taking her beauty.

2) Brick is the victim of something more than just being “too beautiful”–she is also a victim of the conflicting messages we receive from society regarding how to feel about ourselves and how to speak about ourselves. The majority of women probably have issues with how they look. A lot of women don’t think of themselves as beautiful. We’re told that we shouldn’t feel this way, though. We’re told that we should realize that we’re beautiful and celebrate ourselves. There are campaigns from companies like Dove and even Fruit of the Loom relating to this issue with women. But, apparently, we’re only allowed to feel that we’re beautiful–we’re not allowed to say we are.  That doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. It’s double talk. It is and it isn’t okay for us to believe in our own beauty. It is and it isn’t okay to be humble or even less than humble about our beauty. Well, what’s right?

I know I definitely pause whenever I hear a woman talk about her own attractiveness. Usually, it’s either because I don’t think she’s as good-looking as she thinks she is, I wonder how she got to know/feel that she’s attractive–especially to the point of saying it out loud–and/or because I would never say what she just said. My point is I don’t think I’m the only one who feels a little weird when a woman acknowledges her beauty, and the reaction to Brick kind of supports that.

My Experiences

Now, I don’t think I’m attractive. I never have. I don’t feel bad about it, and I don’t think it’s important that I feel attractive. When I was a teenager and then in college, I took pride in being very intelligent, being talented and being funny. Since I’ve realized that my intelligence and my talent are worthless to most people, I am basically down to feeling pride about being funny and–whenever I am good at my job–being good at what I do. I am far more concerned with whether or not I’m good at work than whether or not I’m attractive.

Except for announcing “I’m beautiful,” I definitely relate to a lot of what Brick believes about her life. The difference is the types of things she says happen to her and the similar-but-different types of things that have happened to me…well, I don’t really know or understand why they happen to me. She is sure they are due to her looks. I do know, though, that my relationship with women has almost always been adversarial or alienating in some way or another–particularly black women–and I do know that I do not have these issues at all with men. Men do nice things for me, start conversations with me, stare at me (to the point where it’s awkward/annoying) and some ask me out. And this is pretty much all [types of] men, with the exception of asking me out (which is pretty much just black men). Women rarely speak to me, let alone do nice things for me, unless they are significantly older than I am (Brick says she has a lot of problems with older women, though). But this is a big step up from how women used to treat me when I was in school, including law school.

All of this is just great for a lesbian, by the way, y’all. Sarcasm.

Well, I can’t be sure if there is a connection here, but…although I am a black female and, thus, not “in” with men (or with women), I–much like Brick–do have some characteristics on my side that I do recognize as being attractive to some people even if I’m not actually physically attractive myself. I have long/so-called “good” hair and light skin. This works with black men, particularly older black men who grew up in that timeframe when black women were really their only socially acceptable dating option and these crazy things were what they used to determine the beauty of a black woman. Very frankly, when men hit on me, I assume that’s why they’re attracted to me (which, if I weren’t already a lesbian, would be an instant turnoff). Obviously, I have no idea if that’s true. But I do get hit on more by older black men than I do by anyone else, with Africans being a distant second–yet another group that cares about skin color.

I don’t know what this means for my relationship with women, or even my relationship with non-black guys with whom I develop more social relationships than all groups of women and always have. But I do know that I sometimes indirectly get the idea from black women–just from general discussions, not ones directed at or including me–that I am the bad guy or women like me are the bad guy, or “society” is the bad guy, because of my lighter skin color, my hair–especially the fact that I don’t wear my hair natural–and because I don’t immediately run to black people to show that my hair/skin color don’t make me feel that I’m better than them or don’t want to be white. And let me not forget that I’m also a bad guy for all this special treatment that I get because of my hair/skin color–special treatment that I’m not sure is that significant or helpful. If I were going to have a theory about my relationship with black women, this would be one. My theory about other women is they don’t talk to me because I’m black and they’re not, which they’d frame in smokescreen ways such as “we wouldn’t have anything in common.” But this doesn’t explain why some non-black guys are friendly with me.

I also have to point out that, although I think a lot of people have a different sense, the majority of lesbians don’t view women the way men do. I think many of us react to women much the same way as heterosexual women do because we’re socialized to do so most of our lives. In other words, a lot of us also have the same issues with women as heterosexual women do. When I hear about the same women in Hollywood all the time, like Kim Kardashian, I’m not responding with “XYZ is so hot”–I’m saying that XYZ gets on my nerves! She doesn’t get on my nerves because she’s “too beautiful.” She gets on my nerves because she’s shoved down my throat and because I’m sick of the Hollywood standard of beauty in the US. “She” is not just Kim–it’s pretty much all those Hollywood women who are shoved down everyone’s throats.

I don’t hate beautiful women, but I treat beautiful women the way most women treat me. In other words, I’m not mean to them, but I am less likely to interact with them at all than with other women and with men. This is especially true for beautiful non-black women. I have a really good white female friend, and we have talked about this a few times before. She has blonde hair, blue eyes, she’s thin and she cannot get men to leave her alone. I admitted to her that she and I would probably not be friends if we had met in person (we met on the internet). It was not that she was beautiful, which was not and would not have been my first thought about her upon first seeing her picture or if I saw her in person. It was the assumptions I would have made about her based on how she looks, including the fact that she’s white, the fact that she’s stereotypically attractive (even though she doesn’t think she is) and the fact that I’m tired of white women being valued more than other women–especially ones that look more like her. What would she know about 80s rap music (which she does know about)? What would she know about racial consciousness (which she does know about)?

Yes, I am saying that I treat women the way I believe women treat me. But I’m also saying this treatment is usually not based just on a woman’s beauty alone–it’s assumptions and characteristics, or at least that’s my theory.

Ironically, I think attractive women have the most negative assumptions made about them, especially by other women. And assumptions can be a problem even after knowing someone and allegedly being their friend, i.e. how Brick describes women with whom she previously had a friendly relationship becoming cold because the woman assumes her husband is interested in Brick and Brick would engage that interest. However, I have gotten to know some beautiful women and, upon getting to know them, I liked them more. And that was because I could overcome the idea of them that I had in my head by seeing that they were better people than that. Who knows? Maybe Brick’s problem is that she doesn’t overcome the negative assumptions women make about her, and maybe that’s on her. Or maybe these women she knows are that narrowminded. I know I don’t overcome negative assumptions women might hold because I never make any social effort with women, but I can’t say anything about Brick.

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