Tag Archives: ex-girlfriend

The Dying Art of Friendship

Today was my monthly “skip work” day, just one of my many sage life philosophies. I firmly believe that, unless you are someone who actually loves work (hell no), loves your job (hell no to the 10th power) or can’t afford to miss work (either for your pocket’s sake or your job security’s sake), everyone should just take a day to him/herself, preferably once a month, in order to stay sane. This is how I live. Judging by how many people–grown adults–I saw at the mall this afternoon, I would say I’m not the only one.

This means that my best friend Clara was at work today “by herself.” She begged and pleaded with me to come in today, but I told her no because I was losing my mind and it was just time for that skip day. She wanted me there because I am entertaining, but also because there is a lot of drama at work and she needs someone who is on her side. It is becoming a high school-like environment replete with tattletales, vindictive bitches, phonies, people choosing sides, wimps and very little work–which leaves more time for people to be fake old-@ss vindictive tattletale bitches. Clara paid me back for not coming today by texting and calling me with updates on all the bullschitt I was missing, as if she didn’t quite get that missing all of it for one day was my intent.

I firmly believe that some of the things that happened today would not have happened had I been there. Clara talks a good game to me, but I’m really the only one whose mouth shoots bullets directly at these @ssholes. Consequently, people don’t fuck with me. But…they will still fuck with Clara, and today they did.

When I write that Clara talks a good game to me, I mean that she complains a lot and puts on a tough act like she’s going to do/say something about these things making her complain. But mostly, she just complains every day. Now, I’m fine with complaining–in fact, I love that she is a complainer. I’m one, too, and most people just won’t put up with a complainer. So, complainers only have each other. But, as I’ve told her, things really need to be said to people’s faces and then you need to move on. Plus, she goes on and on way too long. Vent for 10 minutes, then let it go.

I’ve written other posts on my blog about friendship, and, for those who don’t know, this is going to be one of my last posts as I am ending the blog soon. I have lamented losing my friends, including the last woman with whom I was romantically involved. Some of these people I have described as lost friends don’t even know I view them this way. They still contact me via text, Facebook, email or whatnot. But we are no longer friends, in my mind. I will elaborate in a second.

I’ve also mentioned briefly here at times that there is another female at work, Sharon, who hangs out with us but whom I have considered Clara’s friend and not mine. The word “friend” has been used among all of us, but there has always been something about Sharon…at the very least, I have felt we don’t have anything in common. That’s not always make or break, as you can learn a lot from people who are different from you. But on top of it all, Sharon is dull, and it’s damn-near impossible for a dull person and an introvert who hates people anyways to be friends (not to say all introverts hate people, but I do). I mean, what are the two going to talk about? Nothing. That’s why almost all of my friends are outgoing and talkative–they complement my personality, allowing the friendship to work.

Today, I think I realized why I don’t care for Sharon and why I have never considered her a friend. Sharon is the typical female “friend.” The drama at work bothers Clara and me. Clara wants to talk about it. Sharon doesn’t want to hear it. I don’t necessarily want to talk about it, especially not as much as Clara does, but I respond to what Clara says and agree for the most part and have told her at times in a nice way that just sitting around complaining isn’t the answer–she has to do something.

I told Clara about Sharon weeks ago because, although Sharon has never said she doesn’t want to hear it, I could read her body language and behavior while Clara vents and tell that she doesn’t want to hear it. I said, “Listen, you need to watch talking about this with Sharon, because I can tell she doesn’t want to hear it. Just talk to me about it, because I don’t care and I get where you’re coming from.” Clara was in agreement, and then she went right back to going on and on and on–immediately. Meanwhile, Sharon just sits there, says nothing and plays with her cell phone.

Sharon’s philosophy for dealing with drama is to ignore it. So, she doesn’t agree with my being direct with people about what I think and how I feel or telling people to fuck off, and she doesn’t agree with Clara’s complaining. Even though Clara is being targeted by this jack@ss at work and it affects me, as well, I don’t think Sharon “gets” what the problem is and she isn’t the slightest bit supportive. The only time she’ll say anything is to imply that we’re overreacting. Indeed, Sharon told Clara today that Clara and I are “too sensitive.”

I almost guarantee, Sharon wouldn’t have said that if I were sitting there because she knows she would have been the target of a “fuck off.” The difference between Clara and me is Clara only thought about telling Sharon that she’s full of schitt–I would have done it, and I would have told her that she needs to find another crew to sit with from now on. Some @sshole is basically doing schitt that could lead to Clara getting fired, and Clara is too sensitive because she’s angry about it and tired of it…

Look, I don’t recall anyone asking Sharon to be our friend–quite the opposite. She came up to us one day and said, “You all are having too much fun over here; I want in!” And now that it’s not all fun and games, she wants to sit with us and look miserable because we’re upset or because we’re having a real conversation about politics, for example, and not just joking around.

Sorry–real friendship is not about being entertained. You take the good with the bad. When your friend is upset, you sit there and you listen and be supportive. I don’t care how much you can’t stand complaining or how tired you are of hearing it. You don’t sit there and say, “Oh, you’re too sensitive,” or pout because your friend isn’t being particularly funny today. If you can’t handle that, move on–and that’s why I would have told Sharon to go sit somewhere else if I had been there.

I don’t have friends who just want to be entertained and can’t have real, substantive conversations. I won’t have those kind of friends. And the whole reason why I have ditched a lot of my friends or no longer consider them friends is because there is no such thing as a friend who isn’t there for you, supporting you. Our society nowadays has bought into this whole thing of, “Oh, we can go years without talking, and one of us can call the other one day and pick right back up where we left off. That’s real friendship.” No, that’s a bunch of crap. This person has not been there for you, and you have not been there for that person. You barely know each other anymore, to be honest, let alone have a friendship.

To me, friendship is not something that is in theory, one-sided or enduring long stretches of silence. ┬áAnd buying into friendships that are about entertaining people, good times only, labeling people who want to talk about their problems every now and then as “negative” or “sensitive,” or only talking to each other once every three years is just another way for us to avoid building and sustaining real relationships with people–relationships that take work. After all, isn’t that really why the divorce rate is so high in the US? People have just gotten lazy with relationships, and not even just with romantic relationships. Nobody wants to do the work anymore, and nobody cares about anyone besides self anymore.

So, this chick Sharon is going to keep following us around, looking for entertainment. And she’s going to say the wrong thing in front of me, and she is going to find herself taking a bullet from my mouth. I grew up tolerating a lot of bullschitt from people–was harassed by bitches in elementary and junior high school, have dealt with racial crap all of my life, I’m a lesbian–and the older I get the less I tolerate. I do not exist to entertain dumb bitches who don’t have an intellectual thought anywhere in their heads. Apparently, Clara and I are on the same page about Sharon, too. When I told Clara she wouldn’t be by herself because she’d have Sharon at work today, she turned up her noise–even my mother noticed and asked me about it later. Afterwards, I asked Clara about it, and she remarked that she doesn’t have anything in common with Sharon and that Sharon never has anything to say–she just “exists.”

I died laughing at the “exists” comment. It sparks thoughts of inanimate objects just sitting there, not really contributing to my life. I think that’s how I will refer to all of my “friends.” “Aren’t you and Leslie friends anymore?” Me: “No, she just exists.” ­čśŤ

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Female Loners

I never stop learning. When I become intellectually interested in a topic, especially if I’m interested in opinions on it, I head to a search engine and start reading. Lately I’ve been thinking and reading more about being an introvert, being shy and being a loner. It seems a lot of people don’t know the difference among these terms. The definition of an “introvert” is pretty involved, but it seems the simplest way it’s usually defined is a person who becomes drained by social interaction/people and needs some time away to get him/herself together or think afterwards. A lot of people don’t know this word exists or don’t know what it means, which means they use “shy” or “loner” to describe people who are actually introverts. But you can be an introvert and be a loner, too, for example, as is the case with me. And you can be a loner and be shy. I am not shy, though.

I’m writing about this because a couple of interesting things happened this week–1) my work friend Clara called me shy, and 2) someone pointed out something I’d never really thought of before, which is that loners are usually men and women who are loners are often mistaken for being shy. Well, what’s the difference? Being “shy” means you want to interact with people but you don’t know how to or are too scared. Um, this is not me. I have my moments where there are certain people–certain women–I want to talk to but I “can’t.” But that’s normal if you’re romantically interested in women. Shy people have issues with just about everyone. Loners are damn-near the opposite of shy people–they usually prefer being alone or prefer minimal social interaction. People often use “loner” to mean someone who is basically socially rejected, i.e. a loner against his will, and I can grant them that, although I believe the real definition is the one I gave and the definitions I have found so far support that.

In the course of my research, I have discovered that people don’t actually know what “loner” means, nor that females can be loners or what makes a female a loner (or why more men are loners). So, what I want to do here is another one of my response posts. What I do with these is I take stuff people have written elsewhere on the web and I respond to it.

Here is the first site where you’ll find some of the excerpts that appear here, to which I respond. Here are excerpts and my responses below, starting with the question “do you know any female loners” from the original poster:

It seems that it’s rarer for a woman to be a true loner than it is a man. Even shy women often seem to have at least a few friends, whereas I know a lot of guys on the internet who have no friends WHATSOEVER in real life.
It seems if a young woman has no friends whatsoever, she either travels a lot and just talks to strangers and stuff, has a really involved job where she still socialises and stuff, or works in some remote area. Otherwise she has some severe mental or physical handicap that prevents that.
I think it’s because it’s easier for girls to make friends and they’re more inclusive than a lot of guys.
I don’t really know any loners, or many women who would be considered ‘losers’ – no job, sponging off parents.etc, also no social life. I know they exist, but they seem quite rare.

I see a lot wrong with this person’s assumptions. First of all, there’s that equating “shy” with “loner.” Second, being a loner–and I see this assumption/belief time and time again–is not about having no friends. Again, it means you prefer to be alone. This belief is probably one of the biggest reasons why people don’t recognize female loners or why female loners are mistaken for being shy. But if you insist on believing this about having friends, by my definition of “friends” I don’t actually have any. I have people who think we’re friends, but emailing, texting and/or IM-ing every once in a blue moon doesn’t cut it, to me. And having people I don’t hang out with outside of work and will probably almost never communicate with once one of us finds another job is not friendship to me. And breaking up and you wishing me well from afar, talking about me with other people, thinking about me sometimes but never communicating with me doesn’t make us friends.

I’ve got to quote this person again here:

It seems if a young woman has no friends whatsoever, she either travels a lot and just talks to strangers and stuff, has a really involved job where she still socialises and stuff, or works in some remote area. Otherwise she has some severe mental or physical handicap that prevents that.

This is just pure…moronic…bullschitt. The end. To be honest with you, the average married-with-kids woman probably doesn’t have friends. She has her husband or her partner, and I have found that that’s all most of those women want. And you grow up, graduate, move away from people, work, have families…and then your “friendships” become that crap I described above–especially if you’re still single and your “friends” aren’t–which I don’t consider friendship.

I think it’s because it’s easier for girls to make friends and they’re more inclusive than a lot of guys.

See, men always think everything’s easier for women and women always think everything’s easier for men. I just have never seen how it’s “easier for girls to make friends” and certainly have never seen where women are “more inclusive.” In fact, over the years I have envied how easy it seems for guys to bond and not have drama or emotions in the way half the time. This is especially true when I think about sports teams–I don’t think women have anything like what male athletes have with one another, not even in their sports. I just think friendship between women is different from friendship between men, and that could be why a lot of men think it’s easier for women. Women’s friendships are more involved, more emotional and just closer…but that’s once they actually form. Most women don’t like to be alone anywhere, and they’ll use other women so that they won’t be. That doesn’t mean they’re friends. Women also like to run their mouths, and they will use other women for that purpose, as well.

I think it’s hard for women to truly become friends. Men have a fairly small group of general, stereotypical interests, and that makes it easier for them to find other like-minded men to become friends with. For example, I’d say you can say most guys either like sports, video games, science fiction, technology, drinking or some combination. I’m not saying guys aren’t or can’t be interested in other things, but these seem like the biggies that bind guys together. Contrary to popular belief, women don’t have a small group of biggies that can bind them together–women are more diverse. And even if we did all like some combo of hair, makeup, shoes, shopping…you can have so many things in common with another woman and still have her flatout dislike you or reject you, usually for some shallow reason that should have nothing to do with forming a friendship. A big one is physical attractiveness. So many women hate gorgeous women, but a lot of women also are drawn to pretty women who are less intimidating in some way (i.e. very friendly) and ignore less attractive ones or women who don’t subscribe their idea of how they should do their hair, dress, etc…and this is just talking about friendship. This is hardly being “inclusive.”

I also think this is why you see more male loners, though, aside from the fact that people mis-label female loners as “shy” or some other term. It seems like male loners either aren’t into any of the biggies I listed and, thus, can’t really relate to or have discussions with or be accepted by most men…or they are into some of the geekier biggies, like sci fi, but aren’t usually around other guys who are into that stuff. Guys who like sports are a dime a dozen, so if you’re a guy who isn’t into it but you’re always around guys who are you get used to being alone. There’s also the issue of defensiveness. Sometimes it can seem like being around other guys is halfway a “prove my macho” party, and some guys don’t want to bother, especially if they know they don’t have the requisite interests or the experience with women to win at that kind of game with other guys. They’ll look stupid, and they know it.

This response basically addresses things several others mentioned on that site, but I did see a couple of people who seemed to “get” what “loner” means.

Here is another site, where the discussion goes in a different direction. They are discussing whether or not to date loners:

…there is huge potential for this to be a red flag…
Someone who has no friends┬ámay┬áhave a hard time building and sustaining healthy relationships. Theymayalso be really selfish. Both my loner exes were selfish, and didn’t really like people. They were also clingy, as I was their only form of entertainment and only confidant.┬á
It’s best to bring up the subject with her to find out why she has no friends. If it is because she is super shy, then I think that is a more acceptable reason, especially if she really wants to make friends but has trouble. However, if she just doesn’t want to make friends, then that sounds like trouble.

I get some of this and not other parts. I don’t know why not wanting to make friends is “trouble” or a “red flag.” Not wanting to make friends doesn’t mean you won’t; you just might not be actively interested, but if someone who could be a good friend comes along you will be receptive. As I’ve written before, relationships are just tough. I think the majority of people are spoiled and/or selfish nowadays where they’re concerned and don’t want to put the work in. I don’t think that has ever been my problem, with respect to not wanting to build or sustain a relationship–if anything, I think other people I’ve been with have not wanted to build/sustain. Recently, I have looked back over my last relationship and have definitely seen where I was selfish at times, but I don’t think that’s the norm for me in relationships.

I am actually “clingy” in relationships, and I think that’s the problem. I don’t see the problem with wanting to be with someone whom you love and who says they love you all the time, but most people do and it kills the “love.” This is something I learned from my last relationship, and it is going to change how I act with the next woman, assuming there is one. I think one of the problems with my friendships is that most of my friends have tons of friends, whereas I don’t. I don’t know that you can be the kind of person who has 400 Facebook friends, 100 of them whom you actually do communicate with, and seriously be a good friend to any of them or have a “built” friendship with these people. Quality and [large] quantity often don’t go together. So, I always want to put in the work with a few select people and I have the time to do it, but they have 50 million other people they’re floating around and usually a serious romantic relationship/marriage, as well. And I don’t like people, either, but I have many exceptions. These friends with the 400 Facebook friends, unfortunately, are my exceptions. I like extroverts, because they approach me and they have all the right social skills, etc. But everyone else likes them, too. And extroverts like to be liked.

I probably need friends and romantic partners who are more like me in the social department, but how would two introverts/loners actually get to talking? ­čśë

Here is another discussion from a different site:

I think that part of it though is that women are less likely to be excluded due to problems with socialization, and shyness or anxiety may actually be seen as “cute”. Whereas the same traits in a man will often be perceived as weakness, and lead to stereotyping regardless of whether or not it’s deserved. Not to mention socially awkward men often end up taking on the dreaded “creepy” label, whereas you’ll almost never hear of a woman, regardless of what she does, referred to as creepy.

I don’t really think other women view women’s “shyness” as “cute.” Men might, but women assume the worst about other women who are to themselves. This is why I was surprised and kind of glad that Clara called me “shy.” I have never been called “shy” (not as an adult, anyway), but I have been called “anti-social” and “stuck-up.” And though no one has ever told me this to my face, I have been able to tell that black people don’t view me as a “loner” or “shy” or an “introvert”–they think I don’t want to be black because all they see is I don’t interact with black people as opposed to the fact that I hardly interact with anyone.

I basically agree about how loner men are viewed, although I did have a female co-worker who was creepy.

And this site has the dumbest discussion on female loners:

Yes there’s plenty, but most are ugly. Good looking girls loners? Nah

Funny, since one of the other sites above has people discussing how pretty women are loners. So, which is it?

I consider myself ugly, to be honest with you. I have been told by many people that I am attractive, but I definitely know there are others who don’t think so. And I have not really noticed any pretty loners–quite to the contrary, pretty women often seem to have lots of people for socializing. I have seen a couple of women who look okay who seem to be loners, but they could also be shy. Bottom line–I just don’t really think looks have much to do with it.

Females are naturally more social than males. It’s rare to find a female who is content with being alone.

They’re not the same thing. I already mentioned that I don’t think women like to be alone, but I wouldn’t say women are more social. If anything, you run into more quiet women than quiet men.

They exist and they usually smoke a lot of weed.

Haha. This.
I was just going to say.. probably a few drug addicts.

I’ve never smoked weed and never will. I don’t even know what the schitt smells like. The only “drug” I do is caffeine.

See? Dumb discussion.

Finally, a Psychology Today article discusses loners and introverts, and it profiles a female loner who grew up shy:

Matsuoka, for example, says she was “pathologically┬áshy” as a child, which likely laid the groundwork for her current lifestyle, even though she grew much more confident in her 20s.┬á

What is that lifestyle?

She just strongly prefers not to┬ásocialize, opting instead for long baths, DVDs, and immersion in her art projects. She does have good, close friends, and goes dancing about once a month, but afterward feels a strong need to “hide and recoup.”

Ding, ding, ding.

I must admit that I was ridiculously shy for years and years, particularly when I was in elementary school. I also had an overprotective mother who wouldn’t let me do anything or go anywhere, which she still fervently denies was the case. Between those two things, I gave up on being able to socialize outside of school. Once I got home, it was up to me to figure out how to entertain myself at home. Somewhere along the way, I just got used to it and now that’s what I prefer–entertaining myself at home. Especially now that I’m an adult. My new job is incredibly physical at times, especially for someone like me who is out of shape. It’s Friday night/early Saturday morning as I type, but the last thing I want to do is go out. After my day at work, I can barely even walk, and I know I will probably have sore muscles all weekend.

One of the dumb comments I quote above profiles a “normal” loner female as one who just travels all the time. Well, I do like to travel. It’s just about the only thing I like to do away from home–I even shop via the internet most of the time. I’m going to Chicago next week, and I’m looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to my trip to Michigan in September even more. If I had the money, all I’d do is go to different cities and countries–even my mother said that about me when we were talking about what I’d do with my money if I won the lottery.

Notice that Psychology Today points out Matsuoka’s “good, close friends.” Again, being a loner does not mean you don’t have friends, and it doesn’t have to mean you can’t sustain/build relationships. Personally, I do see myself growing old alone. As someone who doesn’t make an effort to meet people or to socialize with the people I do meet, and then makes too much of an effort with the people who get close to me, it makes sense that I’d be alone whereas it doesn’t make sense for most people. That doesn’t mean I can’t build something that lasts if there were someone out there for me.

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Manic Monday

Yesterday I gave notice at work, but I gave it to the agency that placed me since they’re technically my employer. Immediately–like the minute I emailed them my notice–they started calling and emailing me. I mean, I happened to glance at my cell phone, and saw my recruiter’s name and number on the screen while I was in the middle of something. It’s just ridiculous how they always try to call me. I answer phones for a living all day for a corporation, and they know this–they placed me in the position. Why on earth do they think I can just take their calls on my personal cell phone whenever they feel like it?

So, when I didn’t answer, my recruiter emailed me the next minute asking me to call him. Then the other recruiter emailed me asking me to call him. Then my recruiter emailed me again, asking where I got a job. Then he tried to call my co-worker New Tech, who didn’t answer but told me they were calling him. These recruiters have a habit of contacting one of their other placed employees whom they know works near the one they’re trying to reach when they can’t get a response from the one they’re trying to reach–they’ve contacted me before trying to reach both Lazy Tech and New Tech. So, we knew they were probably calling New Tech to find out where I was or if I could call them.

New Tech and I were just dying laughing at the whole thing. I knew the agency didn’t expect me to find a job that quickly, or at all. It was just last Monday when they told me they’d spoken to my supervisor and he wouldn’t let me go back to the position I liked at the company. I told them I would find something else, then. I know they didn’t believe it. In fact, they scheduled a follow-up discussion for next Monday. Turns out next Monday I’ll be at my new job. I know they couldn’t believe it and that they’d want to know just how on earth I was able to get another job that fast. That’s why it was especially funny to New Tech and me when they emailed asking where I got a job.

By the time I called these guys one of them had told my supervisor. My supervisor still hasn’t said anything to me about it, the @sshole. He acts like nothing is happening. But New Tech told me he saw one of the recruiters today in the lobby. I told him they are probably talking about hiring someone to replace me on tech support, which wouldn’t even be necessary if the kid they brought in a couple of weeks ago had just been placed on tech support to begin with.

Obviously, my recruiter did ask me all kinds of questions about where I was going, how I found the job, etc. Even about how much it pays.

I got a bit of a surprise, though, because he sounded irritated last week when I reiterated I wanted to leave the company where he placed me…

He told me, “I don’t blame you one bit.” The way he said it, too…with emphasis, hit the “one bit” part pretty clear.

He knows that situation with my supervisor doing everything he could to keep Lazy Tech and nothing to accommodate me was bullschitt. For the record, my recruiter is Asian. I have found that Asians don’t usually side with black people when it comes to anything with racial undertones or even racially overt things, but he’s Filipino and Filipinos tend to be a little bit more…racially aware and black-friendly. New Tech and I also talked about how they would have gotten rid of a black person who acted like Lazy Tech did without all of that bending over backwards to prevent it…in part because my mother asked me if I had warned him, basically. Like I wrote before, I can definitely see New Tech’s inadequacies getting more exposed without my being there to pick up after him, and he’s African. They’re not going to put up with some of the issues he has for too long. If he can’t find another job fast enough, I see him getting fired eventually.

And with it being official that I’m out the door, New Tech has really started trying to step up finding another job…to the point where over the last two days he has just come across as desperate to me. Now he’s wanting to get out of IT altogether, saying it’s not his passion. He was talking about wanting to move into IT management. He is not management material, I can tell you that. Sure, plenty of managers suck–mine does–but there’s a difference between being a bad manager and just not having a manager’s personality. My manager is the type of guy you disrespect behind his back; New Tech is the type of guy you’d disrespect to his face. I would be the same way, I think–I know I am not “leader” material.

Today, New Tech actually took off work early to go interview with an insurance company. Um. All you’re going to do at an insurance company is sell insurance. Probably won’t get paid if you don’t, either. That’s the kind of job I looked at way back when I first got out of school and wasn’t hearing schitt back from employers and was desperate, so I know what those “interviews” are like. He has a wife and kids–you need something very stable in that situation, something with a weekly or bi-weekly paycheck guaranteed.

He also sits at work and looks at our company’s internal job postings on a regular basis, only now he is looking in the customer service department. Customer service? While there’s a CS component to working many IT jobs, CS is at least a step down from doing anything in IT, or at least the positions he might qualify for would be. And with the more entry-level jobs, which I’m sure is all he could really get, you’re going to get paid like it’s at least a step down. Maybe he thinks those jobs would be easier to get or something, but I can tell from speaking to him that he has unrealistic ideas about how much he’d get paid.

Still, Belinda is a CS supervisor at our company…so I smiled (thinking about her tends to bring a smile to my face or make me nervous) and suggested he talk to her about the job openings they have. Dude, I cannot imagine having to report to Belinda (although I’d probably love going to work all of a sudden). But New Tech seriously went looking for her so that he could talk to her about it.

By the way…the Belinda thing. I realize that now that I’m leaving my job, in a sense I have nothing to lose by approaching Belinda. Knowing this is my last week and that I probably won’t see her again unless an effort is made to do so, I’m a little bit torn. But I’m just not ready for several reasons, not just because I feel I still need to move on more from everything that happened with my “ex.” Also, given that Belinda is never alone–today I saw her with, like, four or five other people–I wouldn’t even know how to approach her. Plus, I have never approached a woman before, at least not out of the blue. I always get approached.

And speaking of the “ex,” I thought she no longer read my blog but maybe she does, because I haven’t seen her on Yahoo! since I wrote about seeing her online and how it made me feel. I don’t know, I just thought it was interesting that she no longer shows up after that. I know there are ways to kind of find out if she still reads my blog–I work in IT, after all–but I’m not interested enough to see if she’s still following me. I just assumed she wasn’t because 95% of the time I feel like she doesn’t give a schitt about me, so why read my blog (intriguing topic, too–inspired me to do a little Google search; still not sure what the answer is)? Why would anyone read this, haha? I have actual friends who won’t even read this stuff! Plus, I’ve been through worrying about who sees what I write, and I am past that now. My blog is my friend.

Bottom line–Belinda is someone I’d love to get to know if given the opportunity, but now is just not a good time. Really, I should be coming home and continuing my studies on programming (I’ve gotten really lazy since my class ended–which I aced, by the way, and only missed two questions out of about 40 on the final exam!!!), not checking sports articles on Yahoo! (easier said than done since I am all about the majority of sports now and have even added the Tennis Channel to my obsessive sports channel surfing, what, with the French Open having ended a couple of weeks ago and now Wimbledon is on) or blogging or going out on dates. I should be figuring out how long I’m going to be with my parents vs moving out…and, to me, moving out is all about moving to another city/state, which would also complicate dating anyone where I am now. I’ve really been looking at what’s out there in Austin, TX, San Francisco, CA and Ann Arbor, MI–the latter because that’s where I’d love to be, the former two because those are more so IT hotbeds. Right now, career needs to come first, as it has for the past year+, so I can stop being quite as big a loser. ­čśë

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Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

It seems like every time I feel I’ve turned a corner as far as my “ex” is concerned, I run smack into a setback. A couple of things have happened recently that make me say this.

First of all, I actually got to talk to Belinda last week. Belinda is my crush at work, a supervisor not in my department but in another department. When I sat down and thought about the potential consequences for me of dating a supervisor, even though she’s not in my department, it really made me…I don’t want to say “lose interest,” but it made it easier for me to step back and not really think about the romantic possibilities. And anyway, it isn’t/wasn’t like I know she’s interested in me.

I’ve never talked to Belinda before, and I still wouldn’t say we’ve had a true conversation. When I talked to her last week, she called tech support for help. Usually when she calls, my co-worker gets her calls (to the point where, according to him, she asked him–likely jokingly because she knows I answer phones and came down specifically to meet me a few weeks ago after she spoke to me–if he was the only one who answers phones). But he had left for the day when she called last week, so I got this particular call.

We have our greeting we typically use when answering the phones, but, instead, I picked up the phone and said, “Hey, Belinda” when I saw it was her on the caller ID. And then she greeted me by my name, and I think we did the “how are you?” thing and she expressed frustration with her computer. So, I knew then that, for the first time, I was actually going to have to help her with something and we might end up on the phone for a while. I started thinking about how I need to do a good job, just hoping it was something I could handle and I wouldn’t look stupid since it was her on the phone, haha!

What I got out of the interaction is she’s funny and she likes to shop for clothes (which kind of underscores why she comes to work looking like perfection every day–I even know where she likes to shop). She also seems naturally friendly/outgoing/talkative Southern style, which could explain why she started smiling and waving at me before we even met. She probably makes friends really easily, and, indeed, I never see her by herself when I see her at work. She seems like one of those people for whom technology just kind of goes over her head (which is probably one reason why my co-worker seems to think she’s annoying). It’s not like she was a complete moron like some of the people I have to assist, but I don’t think she’s a fan of computers and such or a quick study when it comes to them. But I think that’s normal for people who are 40+ years old.

Well, what does this have to do with my ex?

It shouldn’t have anything to do with my ex…except I then found myself comparing and contrasting the two of them–and not in a way that was favorable to Belinda. It was like, “Oh, my ex sounds smarter and probably is smarter” and blah, blah, blah, just based on the very little bit of info I got out of Belinda. The funny thing is…my ex and I had a little intelligence vs physical appearance issue where I think she would have loved to hear me compliment her looks more than I did, and I know I hurt her feelings at least a couple of times by suggesting I didn’t find her attractive or as attractive as other women.

I did and do find her very attractive, and, obviously, I think Belinda is physically attractive. It’s just that during the relationship with my ex, I was so wrapped up in how intelligent she is that I just never “got” it about her looks and her feelings on that and her wanting me to express that I found her attractive. I felt like, by far, the bigger compliment was how smart I thought she was. Intelligence is huge with me, great discussions are huge with me…you can find a pretty, well-dressed woman anywhere, and I, personally, don’t need to be told I’m attractive. And my ex is still probably the smartest person I’ve ever known, and I’ve attended elite universities full of bright people. Seriously, she knows words I don’t know. I love words. I minored in English. I took Etymology all the way back in high school. I used to get in trouble for reading books for “fun” while the teacher was lecturing in junior high. I was blown away at the time. I loved how smart my ex is.

So, when I tell you that there’s this beautiful, perfectly dressed woman at work and after speaking with her for 10-15 minutes all I could think about off and on for days is how smart my ex is…that’s nothing to take lightly.

This was on, like, last Wednesday when I spoke with Belinda…

And then a few days later, that weekend…I saw my ex online. I never see her online. I have a bunch of different email accounts, and I don’t really use half of them because I got sick of how they attract ridiculous amounts of spam. I tend to use my AOL account mainly to sign up for stuff/sites only now, and I use my Yahoo account for a lot of sports stuff, to give examples. I sign onto both regularly, although it had been maybe a week or so since I’d really been in my Yahoo account. So, I went in this past weekend to read some of the sports articles I get emailed every day, and there she was on IM.

I was kind of surprised. It has been well over a year since I’ve seen her on IM, so I guess I thought in the back of my mind that I’d never see her online again. And now I see her online daily. I know most people would say I should remove her from my IM list, but I hadn’t really paid attention to the fact that she’s on it since she hadn’t been online…and now I just don’t want to remove her, plain and simple. I will just stop logging into IM before I do that, and I couldn’t really tell you why. But the point is that seeing her online brings up one of the same old questions that has prevented me from really being able to completely move on, and that’s “why won’t she talk to me?” That is the biggest thing I’ve never been able to understand ever since we “broke up” and she said she can’t talk to me or have me in her life. And now when she’s sitting online and I’m online and she probably still has me on her IM list–I don’t know, maybe she doesn’t, but if she does, then–why won’t she talk to me?

We were friends before we were anything else, and now she doesn’t ever want to speak to me again?

I keep having to check myself and make sure I don’t send her an IM. It’s not going to happen. But still. The past 7 days have really let me know I still haven’t moved on, and it sucks because I’ve been stuck on this for too long. I know the main reason is because she has all the answers and I have all the questions. It has never been harder for me to get over someone, but I have also never been anywhere near as confused after a breakup, either. I know the questions will never be answered, and I know from experience that the more I try to get answers from her the more confusing everything gets. I’d rather pretend everything didn’t happen and start over from the beginning–I think I have too much pride/ego to truly want her back romantically–but she’ll never talk to me again. If someone treated you like crap, it makes sense to act like he/she doesn’t exist, but I don’t deserve this…

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I Can’t Stand Her Emails

A few months ago I remember reading, I think, a blog post online somewhere, and the writer basically explained how she dumped this guy because he didn’t like to read. I don’t really remember thinking much one way or the other about the post. I read the comments, and there were people who understood where she was coming from. I don’t really remember anyone commenting that it was a ridiculous thing for her to do. Reading was very important to her, and she just couldn’t imagine being with someone who didn’t share the value of reading.

I like to read, too, but it’s not one of my deal breakers.

But apparently…being a bad writer is.

I know I mentioned in one of my last posts that I got this woman’s contact information and sent her an email. We emailed back and forth for a little bit–I think we exchanged three or so emails and never made it to the phone. Gawd, she just did every single thing I hate when it comes to writing.

I noticed with the first email she sent me, but I tried hard to overlook it. I wanted to give her a chance, but I also didn’t want to be ridiculous or snobby. It was a short email with a couple of spelling errors, a ton of grammar errors and “how r u” type of writing, as well as a couple of typical boring questions. I thought to myself, “Okay, maybe she wrote it on her cell phone…it’s hard to write well over those things.” That’s really what it reminded me of–either that or she was rushing. It couldn’t be that she was simply a writing-challenged moron–not after the way she talked and talked about looking for intelligence and good conversations, and about how educated she was.

Now, I don’t want anyone to think I sit and “grade” what people send me, what I read on the internet or even what you leave in the comments section here. I also don’t want anyone to think that I view my own writing as perfect. Writing can’t be perfect all the time, so I can understand some misspelled words and some grammar errors. I really do hate short emails, though. It makes me feel as if the person writing me is not putting effort into the email or as if that person is disinterested. I am also one of those people who hates small talk, and…well, age/sex/location and variations thereof is just about the online equivalent of that. If you’re intelligent and like good conversations, why not demonstrate that, you know? And using letters in place of full words is never okay with me (with few exceptions, such as “OK”), not even when texting me.

In short, she didn’t come across as engaged or that intelligent, and it’s hard to respond to what appears to be a lack of engagement as it is. But with her not coming off as too bright, it made me not particularly want to respond because I only welcome intelligent people into my life. I can’t consider dating someone who is not very intelligent. So it wasn’t hard for me to wait a while before responding to her email.

Still, I did write her an engaged response that was longer than what she’d written to me (nothing like my blog posts, so don’t freak out!). But her next email to me was just like her first one, and I was just kind of like…”Okay…I don’t know if I can take this,” hahaha. I mean, for me, it’s as if she’s assaulting my eyeballs. And how can you date someone if reading her emails and texts is visually painful? For me, it’s just a sign that she is not as intelligent as she was bragging that she is.

I think it might have been the same for the woman who dumped her boyfriend who doesn’t like to read. A funny thing about that is one day I was at work last week…I was sitting in the dining area, and there was a woman sitting in one of the booths in front of me, reading. And this black chick walked by and said to the woman in the booth, “I don’t like to read.” OMG (see what I did there?), I was calling this b!tch all kinds of “dumb bitch”es in my head. I was partially upset that she was black and announced this to a white woman. I mean, people already think black people are stupid, and now you just let this white woman know that you are, indeed, stupid. And you know black people are not judged individually.

I tried to calm myself by telling myself that most people nowadays don’t like to read, to the point where that’s normal and liking to read is practically nerdy. That doesn’t mean they’re not a bunch of dumb fucks, though. You don’t like to read? Seriously, you have to read everywhere. It’s an essential part of life, much more so than math (and yes, I know you have to count out change), even if not a hobby. Plus, there are so many different types of subjects to read–how can there be nothing you like to read? That’s why saying you don’t like to read sounds dumb. Sorry if I’m offending anyone, but that’s seriously my viewpoint–people who don’t like to read, can’t read and/or can’t write are…dumb…fucks, if for no other reason than that a lot of them proudly announce that they don’t like to read. Don’t go around announcing that schitt to people.

And to be fair, it’s not as if I sit around reading novels or literary works every week. But it’s not because I don’t like to. I love to read and, in fact, have been wanting some good books to read for quite some time now. I’ve read a couple of things recently, but I don’t count those because they were so…well, let me put it this way about one of the “books” I read. I wrote a review on it, saying that if it were ever made into a movie it’d be a porno flick (I didn’t know this when I started reading the damn thing, I promise). I am just struggling to find a good read, in part because I am in the mood to read what, I do not quite know.

So, I suppose that maybe not liking to read could be a deal breaker for me after all, just like crappy writing is. It’s a reflection of the larger picture, I think, which is the ability to discuss any and all things with some knowledge…not to mention, as far as writing, what used to be required to actually earn a high school diploma (clearly it’s not required now, with as poorly as young Americans write today).

I must confess–I also had to ask myself if maybe I was eager to ditch this writing-challenged chick because I’m still not over my “ex.” And then I thought about all of my “friends” and how much writing has meant to me my whole life. I don’t have one friend who sucks at writing, even the ones whose intelligence I sometimes underestimate. Every single last one of them can put together an email that reflects their intelligence. I think all of my girlfriends have also been able to write fairly well, even the one I had who only had a high school education. Again, the good ole days when they used to teach kids how to write correctly in high school–she would now be about 33 years old, I think…although Email Chick was about 29. But she did attend a garbage high school in my area, so maybe that explains it.

I also thought about this conversation my “ex” and I had one time when this other chick was interested in her. She was one of those “how r u” type of chicks. My “ex,” more or less, said to me, “When I look at this chick’s texts, it reminds me of why I like you.” To be quite honest…ditto right now. But that’s still in the past, and I am accepting that. There are plenty of other chicks out there who know how to not torture the English language and the written word. I know that. But Email Chick is not one of them.

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Playing Games With Women

Do any of you know of David DeAngelo or Doc Love?

I ran across these guys, like, a decade+ ago. I remember sharing my DeAngelo discovery with my best friend, and we just kind of laughed and talked about how stupid these “systems” for getting women are and how this crap only works on women with self-esteem issues. I definitely thought these guys with these systems were just jerks. Nowadays, there are a lot of systems out there, and I’m not sure how much variation exists among them. I suspect they say much of the same things.

Well, I’m about to say [write] something controversial:

It disappoints me greatly in women to realize and admit that there is a lot of truth in what these “jerks” think. I have now met decent, unique, intelligent women who seemed to be solid with themselves and who I thought would be above having to play games to keep them interested, and now I see they really are just like every other woman. I am starting to understand that, yes, if you like women romantically you have to play games with them.

Why did I, a woman, not understand this for well over a decade?

Well, because, frankly, I think and act more like men. I am the lesbian equivalent of the “nice guy.” I am realizing that’s why women don’t stay interested in me for very long. I am also looking back and seeing that when I attract women it’s pretty much always when I’m either being a jerk, being mysterious or just when I’m in a carefree place where I can take or leave the women around me and am just having fun. It’s never when I deeply give a fuck and she knows it, never when I want to spend all my time with her, never when I’m honest about everything, never when I’m giving her everything she needs and wants. You just have to hold back instead of laying it all out there, as if you’re playing cards or some such crap. You have to play it close to the vest, or the next thing you know you’re the damn doormat.

Admittedly, I often wish I were heterosexual, but not at all for the reasons most people would think. One of the biggest reasons why I have wished I were straight is because I know I would run the relationship with a guy as long as I were much the same way as I am now when it comes to interacting with men. He would care more than I would, and it wouldn’t involve my having to choreograph my moves and the things I say the way it’s apparently going to take with a woman. That might sound cruel. Why do I need to run things? That’s not how relationships are supposed to go. Maybe not, but when you’re always the one who is giving, doing, saying and then always ultimately getting dumped, you get sick of getting hurt. I can keep sitting here believing that I will eventually meet someone whom I can shower with all my feelings without being given the ole “maybe we can be friends” line before never hearing from them again and we can just be without fakeness or hiding anything from each other, or telling myself that there is a rare woman out there…or I can just spend the rest of my life alone. But I don’t think the latter is feasible, and I no longer find the former to be realistic. All of my relationships go, more or less, exactly the same way, which means something has to change.

I have been thinking about the last relationship I had a lot lately, and I don’t think it’s about wanting her back. I think I am starting to face some things and learn from them, which I think is moving me towards moving on and getting over that relationship. There are just so many things I’m learning from it, and I see so many mistakes. I was way too honest with her. And I could never see before how being honest is a bad thing, but it just is with women. I don’t mean you have to sit there and constantly lie to women, but you just don’t need to tell them everything about how you feel. I also need to exercise tons more self-control. Just because I feel like I want to be with someone all the time or speak to them all the time doesn’t mean I need to try to be with them all the time or speak to them all the time. I need to be busy and unavailable, even when I’m not. And there were times when I legitimately was busy, but I dropped things I’d normally be doing to be with her.

I need to read between the lines, too–or, more accurately, stop ignoring what I read between the lines just because I hear what I want to hear. I think there were a lot of things that I suspected, and she kind of denied them, only for them to either be admitted or implied in some way later on. And women tend not to be straight-shooters anyways, so reading between the lines is a must any way you slice it. You know what they say about actions speaking louder than words.

So, as much as I hate to do it, I’m now going to apply some of these things that I’m learning. I recently got this lady’s contact info and emailed her, and she responded after she got home from work. Normally, I’d sit at my laptop and email her back as soon as I get the email. But I’m going to wait at least a day and maybe longer to respond. I was honest upfront with her about one thing, i.e. the fact that I live at home right now because a lot of people have a huge problem with that in a prospective date/mate, and she said she doesn’t judge–which is crap because everyone judges–but we’ll see. Again, there will be further reading going on between the lines.

Tomorrow is my birthday and, thankfully, my supervisor was perfectly okay with my taking off work because work is the absolute last place on earth I’d want to be tomorrow. I tried to tell myself that I’ve missed enough work over the past month and I need to go in tomorrow, but I seriously couldn’t bring myself to tolerate it. So I’m just going to go shopping, enjoy my sports talk shows, rock out to some good music, sleep, maybe play a little basketball, eat some of my custom-made Michigan Wolverines birthday cake (my family has started having these made for me on my birthday and also had one made when I graduated from Michigan, as well) and just relax and try not to worry about women or work.

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Women, Friendship and Being Self-Centered

So, I don’t know if anyone else in the blogosphere can relate to this, but…I think I made a mistake giving out my blog link to some of the people I know in my personal life. For one, it can keep you from writing about any and everything that comes to mind because you don’t want to hurt anyone or make anyone upset. Plus, I gave the link to my “ex” way back when, for what reason I no longer know, and now I regret that because I don’t think it’s right that she has access to what’s going on with me and I don’t have that same access to her life at all. I actually don’t think she reads my blog anymore, but that’s not the point. It’s very symbolic of the relationship we had. She always had all of me and I always had only part of her, regardless of how much she thinks she shared with and gave to me. All the things she never would tell me, the trust she never completely gave me, the chance that she never wanted to give or take with me to see how far things could go, the decisions she would make about me/us that seemed to include everyone and their thoughts/input but me/mine, etc. And now I have none of her while she still can know things about me if she so chooses. It was always either one-sided or lopsided, and somehow I’m still the one giving more and getting less.

Well, tonight I’m not going to worry, because I realized that I just don’t care much about anyone but me these days. At work, Lazy Tech is the typical extrovert, i.e. likes to fill the silence with talk about absolutely nothing, and I just cannot bring myself to pretend to care or listen out of politeness in case he gets offended. Much like at my other jobs, I zone out while other people speak, and people at my “new” job are starting to discover that as I finally got the “in her own world” comment last week that I have often gotten elsewhere. I just don’t care about my co-workers.

But that’s becoming true with my friends, too, and it’s time to admit it, however some of my friends might feel about the admission. My “friends.” I’ve been thinking a lot about friends lately, specifically my friendships with women. As I’ve written before here, friendships with guys are different. At least for me, there’s just not the same closeness and the same expectations don’t exist.

Look, I want good friends–I do. But I am just tired of selfishness. When I was growing up, the two biggest issues with female friends once you hit a certain age were being dumped for a guy and your female friends contacting you to go on and on about themselves and then suddenly have to go when it’s time for you to talk. Being in my 30s, the dumped-for-a-guy thing has completely run its course with the majority of my female friends to some degree. The other ones who are left seem to be of the “let’s talk about me” variety, and that’s precisely why I can no longer bring myself to care much about our friendships. Read my last post, and you will see some of the issues I have in my life. I don’t really need or want to sit and listen to someone else free-flow, especially when I’m not going to get reciprocity.

All of my female friendships have changed drastically at this point, and there’s no going back. We all have busier, complicated lives now, and it’s hard to not be self-absorbed, I know. But just as my friends are now self-absorbed, I need to be the same way. I have had issues with some of my friends becoming so self-centered and I guess I still do have issues with that simply because I can’t quite imagine being that way, but it makes me realize that I need to be that way, too, especially if none of them are going to be there for me. Still, it causes a rift that is just never going to be repaired, sorry to say.

I mentioned my “ex” before, and, this applies to her, too, because she was also my best friend there for a while. When she not only wanted to end the romantic side but also the friendship, I did tell her she was self-centered. She essentially said yes but that there’s nothing wrong with that. To me, a big part of the reason why she was/is self-centered is because, as mentioned above, she would often consult with everyone about what’s “best for” me, about our relationship, about the turn it should take and then inform me what she decided based on what everyone else said as well as what she felt would help her. But it was always also for my best interest, you understand. No, she didn’t talk to me about my best interest and when she did she’d basically ignore/discount what I said, so how could it have been for me at all? It was for her. It was all about her.

If breaking off the romantic relationship is best for her, even if it’s not what I wanted–which it wasn’t–then that’s one thing. But I never would have said I valued the friendship and will continue to think of someone as a friend in the same breath that I was breaking it off. If I’m breaking off a friendship, it’s because I no longer value it. It might not be the easiest or most comfortable thing in the world to be friends with an ex at first, but if I cared about the friendship I would try. Who’s to say she didn’t care about it?

The irony is she’s probably the only “friend” I’d want to hear anything about…and that is, again, likely because I never do. My other “friends” still text me, email me, IM me or include me on Facebook, so I know what’s going on with them, whether I particularly want to know or not. At the same time, with my “ex” I also know we could have a conversation and it’s not going to be predominantly about her like it is with my other friends. She’d ask about my job, she’d ask about my health, etc, and would have actual thoughts and comments about them, and it wouldn’t be out of a sense of politeness or obligation (hey–I never said she didn’t care about me, but one of us cares more than the other one does). That’s why, while whatever is left of a possible friendship between us is still very much damaged, I can still bring myself to care more than I can with my other “friends.”

Man, when I really sit and think about it, it’s funny how when we’re younger we look at adults in adulthood and think that’s the life. We think they have it all and can do whatever they want. Now I just feel like everything is so much harder and there’s always something that I’m losing (friends, girlfriends, free time) or in danger of losing (i.e. parents, jobs, health). We actually have more than just youth and looks when we’re younger, you know?

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I Keep Thinking About My Ex

Okay, I’m just going to say [write] it:

I still have feelings for my–for lack of a better description–“ex” after over a year has gone by.

What exactly those feelings are, I couldn’t say. It depends on what mood I’m in, it seems.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m making progress and moving on. But it seems that every now and then I have a strong urge to talk to her or see her, and it goes on for days. Last year the urges were basically irresistible in that eventually I’d break down and contact her. I still can’t say that the urges have lessened that much, but I think I’ve reached the point where I’ll never contact her again. For starters, I know that I’ve contacted her more than enough since she decided to end everything between us for good. But, perhaps more than that, I am just really tired of always being that person. I always love more, care more, do more, come back more, contact more, etc. She has contacted me, like, once since the end. I have to leave it up to her if it’s ever going to happen.

She basically wanted to do what a lot of people call “no contact” for at least a year. Technically, it hasn’t been a year since we last communicated because I broke “no contact” so much. But if you go by when it all officially ended, it has been over a year. She told me she’d probably contact me after a year has gone by, kind of like we could be friends once we don’t have feelings for each other anymore. I know how I am, and a year is not enough time for me to get over someone unless someone else comes into the picture (I know–sad, but true). With the way my life is right now, no one is going to come into the picture. I mean, I work in IT, which means I usually work around a bunch of white guys. I don’t really work with women, and the last female I worked with on a daily basis was absolutely loathsome. Plus, when there are women around they’re usually either straight, white or both–not particularly interested in either.

The last time I broke “no contact,” the “ex” indirectly told me that she’d decided she wouldn’t attempt to communicate with me again. We did “meet” online, and from what I’ve been able to gather on some of the occasions when I broke “no contact” she has had a couple of bad experiences with other people from the internet. So she told me a rule she came up with, which is that she would no longer communicate with people online, just people she can see face to face. I interpret this to include me. After all, while she could see me face to face, I just don’t think she would at this point. At the same time, I know we met online, but I still don’t think I should be lumped in with other people she talked to online as if we all had the same type of relationship with her and meant the same to her. She told me several times I wasn’t lumped in with those other people, but apparently I am.

I did at one point indicate that I didn’t want us to communicate again in the future, so I guess I can’t complain too much.

I know a lot of people don’t understand how it’d be hard to let go of someone you never actually met. But truth be told, I think that’s a big part of the issue. We did everything except meet, and it bothers me that we never did. I still want to meet, and I often feel like I can’t move on without doing that.

And there are people who poo poo online relationships because they feel they’re fantasy or that you can’t really know the person or that there are people in “real life” you can date. Now, do I think she was totally honest with me? No. And I think about ways in which I felt/feel lied to. But a lot of those ways could be, and probably are, the result of her lying to herself first and foremost or just being naive…not actively trying to deceive me. As far as basic “is she who she says she is” stuff, I checked that out and it’s pretty true. And I already touched on the “real life” aspect, at least for me. It’s tough to meet someone at work, and then after work presents a problem because I live with my parents, who don’t know I’m a lesbian (even though they’re kind of stupid not to know that).

There’s not much I put past my “ex,” so it’s not a fantasy to me. I’m aware of what I do and don’t know, and what all I’ll probably never really know. But I was pretty honest with her. There’s really only one thing I can think of about which I wasn’t totally honest with her, and she should probably already know what that is and likely wouldn’t be that surprised if I admitted it to her if she doesn’t already know. It’s just one of those things you can’t be honest with women about, especially with a woman when feelings for each other are involved, that’s all. It’s something probably every straight guy knows and has had to be less than honest about at some point. But I didn’t lie about who I am or pretty much anything else. So I’m saying it’s not impossible to have an honest relationship with someone just because you met him/her online.

Regardless of how I met her, I still think about her daily for a lot of different reasons, including curiosity due to the fact that we never met. Related to that, I guess, is that it feels like we started something and never took it anywhere, never tapped into the potential. It’s worse than bad breakups, which I don’t really think this one was, to not really let everything play out and to have to spend the rest of time wondering about it.

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