Tag Archives: attractive

I Am Chronically Unacceptable

I don’t like talking about romantic relationships. I find it a particularly unpleasant, uncomfortable topic. I won’t talk to most of my friends most of the time about my relationships because I can sense they don’t care, or they care up to a point–i.e. the “how we met” kind of details vs the “I’m having problems/need advice/feel hurt” type of stuff. They don’t want to hear the latter, which is all I have to talk about 95% of the time when it comes to relationships. I won’t talk to them about my lack of relationships because I know that they will poo poo the negativity, i.e. the “I will never find anyone”s and the “love is bullschitt”s. And I don’t like talking or hearing about other people’s relationships, especially if they’re happy. That’s just the truth. Keep your happy coupledom over there.

Now that I have work friends–another female has joined the mix after she walked over to me and Clara last week, told us we’re having too much fun and that she wants in on it (the adult version of “can I be friends with you?”)–I am getting badgered about why I say I am never getting married and tortured hearing about Clara’s boyfriend. That started last week. And then this past weekend, I made the mistake of stumbling across all this schitt that underscored just how unlikely it is that I will ever get married.

Dating and relationships are tough all around. I am exposed enough to the straight world to know it’s tough for a lot of straight people. It’s just a tough thing. But think about what it must be like, first of all, for gays and lesbians, who are dealing with a limited pool with somewhere between 5 and 10% of the population being gay/lesbian. And then throw being black on top of it, especially a black woman–the population that has the toughest time dating. And now I am in, I’d say, the two toughest populations when it comes to dating.

If you ever do an internet search on black lesbians and dating, you’ll probably run across a few blogs. Two of them are just…maddening bullschitt. Not going to name names, put links or anything like that. Not trying to start trouble, and I don’t waste time arguing with narrowminded people because…you might as well just find a nice, sturdy wall and yell at it. Could be because it’s that time of the month, but they pissed me off when normally I don’t get pissed outside of sports. What pissed me off is in these two blogs, black lesbians bash black lesbians. What makes me laugh is then these two b!tches wonder why they have such a hard time finding the right woman. One of them actually claims to want a black lesbian while the other one seems caught between wanting a black lesbian and being, like, a lesbian Tiger Woods. But neither get why they can’t find that right black woman. Wait, that’s not quite right–they think they can’t find that right black woman because, essentially, 99% of black lesbians aren’t good enough for them.

I don’t spend time in the LGBT community, although I have tried to do that in the past. But one thing I’ve noticed is several black lesbians are a cross between men and straight black women when it comes to the way they talk about what they want in a mate and why they reject others. I often find straight black women as snobbish and unrealistic [for them, not for all women–but considering black women aren’t on an even playing field with other women due to society’s ignorance, yes, unfortunately, unrealistic for them] with their standards. That’s not to say everything on their list is snobbish or unrealistic, but some of it is and then they wonder why they can’t find the man they want. More on that in a second.

As far as the comparison to men, what’s most notable and, perhaps, most disappointing is just the way some black lesbians describe other black women/lesbians with the tone of “you don’t match what I’m looking for; therefore, something is wrong with you” vs simply “that’s not my thing.” I feel like men indirectly send messages to women that because they’re not this, that or the other, there’s something wrong with them. That’s where a lot of our sex/gender inequality and women’s low self-esteem compared to men has come from, and, yet, we have a group of women doing this same thing to women.

One thing I notice the more snobbish, “you’re not this way, so something’s wrong with you” black lesbians always love to do is proclaim how intelligent and/or educated they are. I…????? Like, so? These women, straight and lesbian, are always talking about how black women are looking for someone on their level but they’re going to have a hard time finding it in another black person. I graduated from top-ranked universities, got a professional degree. Let me tell you–intelligence and education don’t have to come from school. Just because I attended elite schools and earned a professional degree doesn’t mean I must only date someone who did the same thing. For years, the smartest person I knew aside from myself was someone who attended one of those acting/music schools for a while and then left and just worked jobs…then eventually went to school for audio recording, and then again went to school for acting. She has never been to a regular ole 4-year university. But philosophy, sociology, literature, politics–you name it, she could go from topic to topic for hours and give good conversation. “Intelligent” black women really have their heads up their @sses about this one, just thinking they’re too intelligent for every black person and assuming they’re the only ones who graduated from college or that it even matters whether or not they did.

Another thing–you can be intelligent and educated but still be an ignorant @ss. I am one, but I recognize it, unlike these other chicks. I know that I have some narrowminded thoughts in my head. You can also graduate from college nowadays riting lik dis. It doesn’t always mean you’re all that.

“I have my own everything.” Okay, great for you–in times like these, you’re lucky if you’re able to have everything despite the fact that you got your degree. Nowadays, degrees are more of a liability than an asset because they’re so damned costly and, yet, employers value work experience far more than that costly degree.

“Where are all the good-looking black lesbians? Most black lesbians are ugly.” Chica, hit the mirror. So many black women, both straight and lesbian, think they’re way hotter than they are. This is not to say black women can’t be hot. There are plenty of hot black women. But I don’t know what’s up with black women and black men–they’re the first to call someone ugly when they’re not all that themselves. Some of the more physically attractive black lesbians I have encountered have also been some of the more open-minded in terms of what’s beautiful.

But the worst one, other than all this “I’m educated, I’m educated, I’m educated” snobbery has got to be the weight hate. Weight hate is getting out of hand in general, but up until this past weekend in the LGBT community I thought only white gay guys needed their teeth knocked down their throats for being such @ssholes about people being overweight. Apparently, a lot of black lesbians need to be kicked up to Canada. And the thing about being a black lesbian but being a complete @ss about women being overweight is…um, the majority of black women are overweight. If an Asian guy is an @ss about overweight women, if a white guy is an @ss about it…I can kind of see that. Asian women are rarely fat, relatively speaking, and white women are not fat at the same kind of rate as black women are. But if you’re black, then overweight women should be at least somewhat normal to you. So, again, where is all this snobbish bullschitt coming from? Oh, you grew up predominantly around white people? You were brainwashed by the media shoving white women with eating disorders in your face? What is it?

In any case of events, being overweight is becoming the norm. More and more people are going to have to get over it or be single, whatever you might think about how healthy it is or isn’t or it showing they don’t take care of themselves or whatever bullschitt excuse you have for hating overweight people.

I could keep going, but I’ve got work in the morning…so two last points: I guess black lesbians think they can get away with trashing black lesbians because they are black women or black lesbians. But being a black lesbian doesn’t make it okay; it makes it worse. We already get trashed by everyone else; we don’t need black lesbians to do it bigger and “better” than everyone else does.

Also, Atlanta is just that–Atlanta. Just because most black lesbians in Atlanta seem to be a certain way doesn’t mean that’s a reflection of how black lesbians are everywhere else. If you think that’s the case, you need to take some of that money you make from your good job and your education and your own everything and go see the US, something I have had the luxury of somewhat doing. If one city in the US makes you quick to give up on or look down on black lesbians on the whole and assume they’re all uneducated, all have slept with men, all have kids out of wedlock, all have nothing in common with you, all are ghetto or lack refinement, then you’re not as cultured as you think you are and you’re just looking for any excuse to “prefer” non-black women.

Over the last 10 years, it has amazed me the schitt black men talk about black women because, from my life experiences, I’d say no one has more reason to “hate” black women than black women do. Black women treat each other like schitt, and the things I’ve read from some ignorant black lesbians would have proved it even if I didn’t live it. And yet, these black lesbians who clearly don’t think other black lesbians are good enough don’t even really have much to offer as to their problems with black women aside from the shallow and superficial. I could provide story after story of bullschitt I’ve experienced at the hands of black women, starting from elementary school going all the way to as recently as law school. No one has more reason to hate black women than I do, and, yet, I don’t.

So, why am I going to be single? Because, yes, I do prefer black women–and I mean “prefer” the way it’s meant to be used, not the incorrect way most people use it when it comes to race and dating–the very women for whom I’m not good enough for, inevitably, about 5 reasons on a 21-demands list. I like women of color, and never say never but I don’t think I’d date a white woman ever again. But I’m not going to be by myself because black women aren’t good enough for me, like some people. Instead, I’m always the one who is not good enough–not for whites, not for my ex-girlfriends, surely not for Asians and now not for black women. That’s not a plea for sympathy–that’s just telling it how it is.

The end of my Crimson Wave Rant (cookies for those who know what “crimson wave” is and where it came from).

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Samantha Brick Has a Point

For those who don’t know or who forgot, Samantha Brick is the chick who’s too sexy for France, the UK, the American media and…well, female friends. Maybe instead of writing this article that seemed to piss everyone off, she should have just put out a Right Said Fred remix? She would probably be more liked than she is right now, plus would have more money.

Although some of her stories to support her belief that women don’t like beautiful women seem a little crazy, her basic belief is not that crazy. I would not necessarily frame it as “women don’t like beautiful women,” though. And it’s far from all women. But there are many women out there who have issues with attractive women–enough for me to not really have a problem with what Brick has to say. I can’t say anything about the truth of her experiences, given that I don’t know her and don’t know what people in Europe are like. I don’t really have an opinion about her supporting arguments, but I can look at my personal experiences and observations.

Warning: This post has the potential to offend some people. If you are easily offended or have issues with candid racial discussions or homosexuality, please exit now.

Okay…You have been warned. 😉

Before I get more into why I kind of agree with Brick, I would like to point out two big things that jump out to me about the discussion surrounding what Brick had to say.

1) A lot of people have looked at Brick and said something like, “She’s not even that good-looking.” Well…I’m hearing this from a lot of Americans. But Brick lives in France, I think, and she’s from the UK, I believe. What some Americans do and don’t find attractive is not necessarily going to be the same standard in other nations. In fact, Americans don’t even all have the same standard for Americans. My observation is that what is attractive depends quite a bit on the race, sex, sexual orientation, primary environment and age of the person judging, and we also tend to go through general “fads” in the US in terms of what is attractive.

One of the only things that I’ve seen come close to being universally attractive or attractive throughout time is being a blonde as a female. Brick does have blonde hair. I don’t know about Europe, but–to me–in the US at this particular time, what’s in for women is being blonde (as always), Asian or Latina, perhaps in that order. And what that means is if you fit the fad, you don’t have to be attractive to get the attention of men–you just have to have some characteristic that is “in,” i.e. blonde hair, or being Asian or Latina. In fact, if it isn’t in the article I linked to above, I believe it’s in another article where Brick says that she didn’t start getting all of this attention from men until she started coloring her hair blonde.

Now, with the exception of Latin ancestry, these fads are not the same for women-to-men attraction. As best as I can tell as a lesbian, the men who are in are rich, powerful, good-looking and/or muscular white men (as always), black men and Latinos–but not Asians–and probably in that order. These are the guys who can be attractive even if they’re not actually physically attractive, at least at this point in time in the US.

The other thing that I believe has been overlooked when assessing Brick’s attractiveness is her age. In other words, I think one of the reasons a lot of people say she’s nothing special is because it’s obvious she’s not in her 20s. While there’s a growing sect in the US that especially appreciates women in their early 40s, there is still probably a larger sect that has a hard time finding a woman in her 40s especially attractive. Brick ends her article by indirectly acknowledging this sentiment, i.e. saying how she looks forward to age taking her beauty.

2) Brick is the victim of something more than just being “too beautiful”–she is also a victim of the conflicting messages we receive from society regarding how to feel about ourselves and how to speak about ourselves. The majority of women probably have issues with how they look. A lot of women don’t think of themselves as beautiful. We’re told that we shouldn’t feel this way, though. We’re told that we should realize that we’re beautiful and celebrate ourselves. There are campaigns from companies like Dove and even Fruit of the Loom relating to this issue with women. But, apparently, we’re only allowed to feel that we’re beautiful–we’re not allowed to say we are.  That doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. It’s double talk. It is and it isn’t okay for us to believe in our own beauty. It is and it isn’t okay to be humble or even less than humble about our beauty. Well, what’s right?

I know I definitely pause whenever I hear a woman talk about her own attractiveness. Usually, it’s either because I don’t think she’s as good-looking as she thinks she is, I wonder how she got to know/feel that she’s attractive–especially to the point of saying it out loud–and/or because I would never say what she just said. My point is I don’t think I’m the only one who feels a little weird when a woman acknowledges her beauty, and the reaction to Brick kind of supports that.

My Experiences

Now, I don’t think I’m attractive. I never have. I don’t feel bad about it, and I don’t think it’s important that I feel attractive. When I was a teenager and then in college, I took pride in being very intelligent, being talented and being funny. Since I’ve realized that my intelligence and my talent are worthless to most people, I am basically down to feeling pride about being funny and–whenever I am good at my job–being good at what I do. I am far more concerned with whether or not I’m good at work than whether or not I’m attractive.

Except for announcing “I’m beautiful,” I definitely relate to a lot of what Brick believes about her life. The difference is the types of things she says happen to her and the similar-but-different types of things that have happened to me…well, I don’t really know or understand why they happen to me. She is sure they are due to her looks. I do know, though, that my relationship with women has almost always been adversarial or alienating in some way or another–particularly black women–and I do know that I do not have these issues at all with men. Men do nice things for me, start conversations with me, stare at me (to the point where it’s awkward/annoying) and some ask me out. And this is pretty much all [types of] men, with the exception of asking me out (which is pretty much just black men). Women rarely speak to me, let alone do nice things for me, unless they are significantly older than I am (Brick says she has a lot of problems with older women, though). But this is a big step up from how women used to treat me when I was in school, including law school.

All of this is just great for a lesbian, by the way, y’all. Sarcasm.

Well, I can’t be sure if there is a connection here, but…although I am a black female and, thus, not “in” with men (or with women), I–much like Brick–do have some characteristics on my side that I do recognize as being attractive to some people even if I’m not actually physically attractive myself. I have long/so-called “good” hair and light skin. This works with black men, particularly older black men who grew up in that timeframe when black women were really their only socially acceptable dating option and these crazy things were what they used to determine the beauty of a black woman. Very frankly, when men hit on me, I assume that’s why they’re attracted to me (which, if I weren’t already a lesbian, would be an instant turnoff). Obviously, I have no idea if that’s true. But I do get hit on more by older black men than I do by anyone else, with Africans being a distant second–yet another group that cares about skin color.

I don’t know what this means for my relationship with women, or even my relationship with non-black guys with whom I develop more social relationships than all groups of women and always have. But I do know that I sometimes indirectly get the idea from black women–just from general discussions, not ones directed at or including me–that I am the bad guy or women like me are the bad guy, or “society” is the bad guy, because of my lighter skin color, my hair–especially the fact that I don’t wear my hair natural–and because I don’t immediately run to black people to show that my hair/skin color don’t make me feel that I’m better than them or don’t want to be white. And let me not forget that I’m also a bad guy for all this special treatment that I get because of my hair/skin color–special treatment that I’m not sure is that significant or helpful. If I were going to have a theory about my relationship with black women, this would be one. My theory about other women is they don’t talk to me because I’m black and they’re not, which they’d frame in smokescreen ways such as “we wouldn’t have anything in common.” But this doesn’t explain why some non-black guys are friendly with me.

I also have to point out that, although I think a lot of people have a different sense, the majority of lesbians don’t view women the way men do. I think many of us react to women much the same way as heterosexual women do because we’re socialized to do so most of our lives. In other words, a lot of us also have the same issues with women as heterosexual women do. When I hear about the same women in Hollywood all the time, like Kim Kardashian, I’m not responding with “XYZ is so hot”–I’m saying that XYZ gets on my nerves! She doesn’t get on my nerves because she’s “too beautiful.” She gets on my nerves because she’s shoved down my throat and because I’m sick of the Hollywood standard of beauty in the US. “She” is not just Kim–it’s pretty much all those Hollywood women who are shoved down everyone’s throats.

I don’t hate beautiful women, but I treat beautiful women the way most women treat me. In other words, I’m not mean to them, but I am less likely to interact with them at all than with other women and with men. This is especially true for beautiful non-black women. I have a really good white female friend, and we have talked about this a few times before. She has blonde hair, blue eyes, she’s thin and she cannot get men to leave her alone. I admitted to her that she and I would probably not be friends if we had met in person (we met on the internet). It was not that she was beautiful, which was not and would not have been my first thought about her upon first seeing her picture or if I saw her in person. It was the assumptions I would have made about her based on how she looks, including the fact that she’s white, the fact that she’s stereotypically attractive (even though she doesn’t think she is) and the fact that I’m tired of white women being valued more than other women–especially ones that look more like her. What would she know about 80s rap music (which she does know about)? What would she know about racial consciousness (which she does know about)?

Yes, I am saying that I treat women the way I believe women treat me. But I’m also saying this treatment is usually not based just on a woman’s beauty alone–it’s assumptions and characteristics, or at least that’s my theory.

Ironically, I think attractive women have the most negative assumptions made about them, especially by other women. And assumptions can be a problem even after knowing someone and allegedly being their friend, i.e. how Brick describes women with whom she previously had a friendly relationship becoming cold because the woman assumes her husband is interested in Brick and Brick would engage that interest. However, I have gotten to know some beautiful women and, upon getting to know them, I liked them more. And that was because I could overcome the idea of them that I had in my head by seeing that they were better people than that. Who knows? Maybe Brick’s problem is that she doesn’t overcome the negative assumptions women make about her, and maybe that’s on her. Or maybe these women she knows are that narrowminded. I know I don’t overcome negative assumptions women might hold because I never make any social effort with women, but I can’t say anything about Brick.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,