Category Archives: Uncategorized

Close To the End

Sometime last year, I believe it was, I intended to abandon my blog and even posted that I probably wouldn’t be adding posts. For some reason, I came back to it.

Now here we are again with the same thing–I’m thinking that I have a few more posts I want to put up, and then either I will continue blogging here privately, start anew somewhere else or stop altogether. I am leaning towards one of the latter two, as I am not feeling WordPress. I have started looking into other options a little bit.

There are probably two main reasons why I’m thinking of going private, somewhere else or stopping.

First of all…I’ve had at least two blogs before over the years, prior to this one…I have to say that blogging has changed quite a bit, not to mention the way people respond to blogs and what they expect from them has changed…and I liked it better the way it was before. I think WP, in particular, embodies some of my issues with it, and this is why I’d like to get away from WP. If there is something that fits me better and I find it, I might start up there. I find WP (or, more accurately, its culture) a little too–for lack of a better description–agenda-based and strategic. Blogs are becoming less about sharing or having a platform for expression, and more about making money, getting popular, starting/supporting a career or product/works…although some bloggers find their perfect combination of expression and money/popularity/career. It’s business-y. It’s increasingly impersonal. I understand using blogs as a marketing tool but just don’t like how it’s pushing other types of blogs to the bottom.

The other big thing in blogging is focusing on a particular topic, which I think often goes back more towards getting popular/hits. There’s not always anything wrong with this; one of the few blogs I read religiously is like this, even though the topic doesn’t quite apply to me (but the blogger personalizes it the majority of the time, and that’s what makes it interesting to me). But sometimes I feel like I’m in high school or a competition I didn’t intend to enter. It feels like the vast majority of “follows” I get are people trying to bring more attention to their blog. I might not have expected much interest when I started blogging and still really don’t, but I didn’t expect to be used, either…nor do I appreciate it. If I’m interested in what you’re selling (sometimes literally, selling), I will find you. My previous blogs were on Blogspot, albeit back in the day (over 5 years ago now since I abandoned the last one) when things were different, and/so I didn’t have the kind of issues there that I have with WP. But Blogspot has changed a ton–and not, in my opinion, for the better–as well.

For over a year now, I have often found myself wanting to read but not knowing what I want to read. Usually, I want a good book or something on my Kindle app. I used to love reading literature, reading about social issues…but I think those things have run their course with me. I think I’ve finally realized the problem is I am a little more interested in just reading about real people and real experiences. For a good book, I don’t know where to find that–there’s no genre called “People”…but there’s romance, business, finance, self-help, etc. I used to be able to find a good blog and find it in that, and it’s getting to the point where I can’t…at least not with the right combo of “good blog,” “good writing” and “not a teenager or might as well be a teenager” (i.e. often 25 or younger) with regular posts. There are online diaries and online journals, but those are usually very teenaged/might-as-well-be.

Second…since I am not one of those people who checks blog stats and visits, I am not sure who reads my blog. I feel confident that I have few regular visitors. That’s not the issue, but it does make it easy to feel okay with abandoning the blog or going private. The issue is that a long time ago I gave my link out to some people I know, back when I would have been perfectly fine with them reading it. I know almost for a fact some of them don’t read it–they are too into other things/people/self to ever stop by. It’s okay, because, at this point, I don’t want them to read it. But if it’s out there with the same url and public, they can read it any time they want to…so might as well not give them anything else to read. If I start a blog elsewhere, the link will not be posted here and I won’t be giving it to them. So, they can see stuff they theoretically already could have seen here, but nothing at the new spot or nothing privatized.

There are other people to whom I gave the link, and I don’t know if they read it and don’t want to know. I don’t want them to read it, either, at this point vs how I felt at the time, because I’ve put more thought into it and realized they have access to me in ways I don’t have access to them. I don’t mean in terms of how much I reveal so much as the fact that, possibly, I am even revealing anything to them vs what I get from them.

So, that’s that. I want to put up my last bit of advice on finding a job, so that will go up soon. There might be a couple more posts because there are things I’ve been thinking about posting. Then there will be the “Bye” post.

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Expressing Opinions

I want to touch on a topic spreading throughout WordPress. And first I want to make this clear–sometimes when people give their thoughts, the way they express them comes off as stating opinions or viewpoints as facts or 100% truth. Just about everything I write is my perspective, my observation, my viewpoint…even if stated as fact. The assumption might be that this goes without saying, but the tone still can be bothersome. It gets kind of know-it-all-ish or makes you seem close-minded even if you’re not trying to be, so I want to be sure to make it known the following is just how I see it.

A blogger here has started a project on opinions. The response to it seems to be good so far. I took a look at the template, and a couple of the questions stood out to me. The questions were about “the right to an opinion” and being “allowed an opinion”. I was at work, so I had to comment through my cell phone. Basically, I said those two questions don’t make sense to me, which they don’t. Unless you’re one of those power texters, you can’t really type much using a cell phone, and since I barely text I couldn’t really type much.

I haven’t read much else on or related to the project, though I read a few submissions posted on other blogs to see how other people addressed those questions about the right to an opinion. I did see where the blogger posted about a Saudi activist being punished for a blog or site he had to discuss religion, seemingly to voice some disagreement with Islam. The blogger says, “Opinion is still punished in much of the world! If you don’t believe that read the article.”

See, I don’t believe “opinion” is punished, although that may be the intent–maybe the Saudi court wanted to punish an actual opinion in an attempt to make it look wrong or make it disappear. But I believe what’s actually being punished is people, for expressing opinions or opening (or attempting to open) avenues to do so. And I think the article supports that. To me, the two things are different.

I think we all live in countries where the powers-that-be don’t want us to think certain ways, but our countries’ powers respond differently to that depending on the country. You might be in a country in Africa and start a blog advocating for gay rights when your people in power are fervently against it, and you might be arrested or face physical harm and have your blog taken down. But someone else in that same country might think the exact same things, just this person doesn’t have a blog or use any other means of expression. The person who hasn’t expressed an opinion is fine; the person who has is catching all the schitt. More than likely, both of these people are still going to have the same opinion, regardless of the government’s response to the blog. But the person without the blog gets to keep that opinion without consequence.

I believe “right” and allowance go with “expression.” “Opinion” is something that exists regardless of what anyone else wants, does or says, and no one can take it from you and it doesn’t have to be expressed. And it can only be changed if you want it to be or allow it to be. Punishment, consequences, censorship–those come when you open your mouth or put fingers to keyboard or pen to paper. All of us, regardless of where we live, live that every day. I know I do. We lose jobs in America. We lose friends. Votes, media favor, record sales, fans, ratings. We get harassed and alienated. So we learn to say nothing or do it anonymously. A few of us say, “Fuck it, I’ll deal with the consequences” or “I’ll apologize later and pretend I didn’t mean it.” We see that last one play out every week in the media, especially when it comes to race and sexual orientation.

So, when I say the questions don’t make sense to me, I only mean they don’t make sense to me. Apparently, it made some sense to at least 30 people. A lot of schitt that makes sense to others doesn’t make sense to me, and vice versa. It’s a matter of perspective, interpretation, assumption, semantics…things like that.

Oh, and…one of the participants in the project responded that we are not born with rights; they are something people have fought to have. I don’t entirely agree. If I’m born after the fight and it was decided post-fight that everyone henceforth will have such fought-for right, then I am born with the right.

Just opinions, folks–all WP is full of is opinions anyways.

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The About Pages

I’m off to jam before bed (I napped for a while, or else I’d just be going to bed right now), but just wanted to mention that I added a new “about” page concerning this blog, i.e. “About the Blog.” Important reading.

Also, for those who don’t know, there is an “about” page (“The Best Life Has To Offer”) that has links to my posts that seem to have gotten the most interest from people. It has been there for a while. I’m not one of those people who tracks page views and things like that, so it goes by likes and how many followers I got immediately after those posts.

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Money and the Lack of Self-Control

Ever since I found out I was getting a raise at work, I have been trying to figure out what to buy. Every time I get extra money, I feel the urge to spend some of it. This is no different. Usually, there is some tech gadget that makes it an easy decision for me as far as how to spend some money. But there’s not really anything that I want. I was kind of thinking of the Apple TV, but I was thinking about that before I got the raise. And it’s not that expensive. I’m usually not happy unless I can spend $300+ on some big thing.

I got paid Friday. I was told when I found out about the raise that it wouldn’t apply until the next pay period. But apparently, they actually applied it for the two weeks before I’d even been told about it because my paycheck included that raise.

Oh, not good. Now I really feel the urge to spend some money.

If I could take off work, I’d just go somewhere. I’d go to another city and have fun. But that’s pretty much out of the question right now.

It’s got to be something very satisfying for me. Something that won’t be a waste of money. I hate to say it, but the last time I felt the urge to have something and I bought it…well, that item has just been lying around. It was the iPad. I just have no use for an iPad. I have a laptop, and I have an iPhone. What to do with an iPad? It’s cool and everything, but there’s nothing to do with it that can’t be done with a laptop, especially since I’m not paying for 3G on it (wifi really only makes it good at home, because I don’t hang out at hotspots). And even so, the iPhone is more mobile because of its size.

So far, all I’ve been able to come up with is…clothes?

Yeah, not a big clothes person. But I’m definitely tired of wearing the same shit to work all the time. I already ordered a few things, but I don’t think I’ve even broken $100 yet. Like I’ve said, there’s got to be one big, immensely satisfying item to make me not spend money for a while.

All I have come up with is this cool jacket I found. Granted, it’s the coolest jacket I’ve ever seen. But $300 for a jacket? That’s not really me. Not sure I’d be properly satisfied. I also tend not to wear jackets. Look, I live in the South. The only seasons we truly have down here are warm, hot and booty burnin’ (it’s currently booty burnin’ season). And it rains, but it’s not like the damn jacket has a hood, even. If I moved back up to the Midwest, which I’d love to do, that might be one thing. But you’re talking about someone who sometimes wore flip flops in the snow and who had to lie to her mother when she asked if I was wearing the kind of crap she thought I should wear when it was, like, 7 degrees in Michigan and Illinois when I was living in those places (hats, hoods, gloves, scarves, a big coat…crap like that). Ironically, it was only when I had on shoes that were actually for inclement weather that I’d fall on my ass outside.

I keep looking at the jacket, saying “no no no.” But I don’t have a good feeling about that one. I just don’t really have self-control when it comes to buying stuff I want. That’s one reason I left Illinois–I was too poor there to hang. I kept having to look at stuff I wanted and actually leave it where it was. That wasn’t going to work. So, do I think I can or will resist here? Absolutely not. The only way I might not get it is if I can think of something better that is at least equally expensive.

Ideas?

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Wanting To Contact the Ex

Ever since I got closure with my former girlfriend by asking her not to contact me in the future, closing the door on the possibility of friendship down the road, I had been doing a lot better. Well, as far as that issue in my life, anyway. But earlier this week, I saw on TV that there was a storm in the Mid-Atlantic, which has left a lot of people in that part of the US without power. This is not the best time to be without power for even a day, let alone a week or more. It is incredibly hot. And I know that she is like me in that she can’t stand heat. This time of the year, heat can be dangerous to one’s health, though. People die in the US every summer in relation to heat issues or not having air conditioning where they live.

So now, I have to keep myself from picking up the phone to text her. I just keep wondering if she’s okay. I’m not going to text her, especially since I am the one who officially ended all hopes of contact a few weeks ago. I have to completely accept that she’s not a part of my life instead of always wanting to check on her and help her. But it still feels kind of cold to say, “No, I’m not going to make sure she’s okay.” I know that, at some point, I won’t even think about it when I hear stuff on the news. But right now, it’s hard not to think about it.

I’m at work right now (watching Wimbledon, not doing any work), but I will be posting about working this week soon.

Dying For a Drink…of Coke

I’m trying to limit my caffeine intake, and it’s killing me. Using less caffeine is probably why I’m up at 1am blogging (and probably why I’ll regret it in the morning).

I developed a theory about why I haven’t felt well over about the past two weeks, and I’m trying to test it/eliminate the issue.

I’ve written a couple of times that I’ve been experiencing neck pain. It’s really just pain on the upper left side of my body, period, i.e. neck, shoulder, ear and headaches. This is not the first time I’ve had this issue, although I don’t really remember having neck pain to this extent–the problem was more so the earaches. I had pain in both ears, but mainly in the left ear. I have head pain often because I suffer from migraines, so that’s nothing new.

A couple of years ago, or maybe a year and a half ago, I went to a few doctors because of the earache. I was–apparently, incorrectly–diagnosed with having an ear infection. I received antibiotics, and the antibiotics seemed to help. But pretty soon after they were gone, I’d have ear pain again. I went to an ear specialist, and they ran all kinds of tests…only to tell me nothing was wrong with my ears and to give me no medication or answers. The specialist did throw out there that it might be TMJ and asked if I grind my teeth during my sleep, but he really seemed to have no idea.

Some time after that, I went to my dentist for a cleaning. At the end, the dentist asked if anything else was going on, which is unusual because the people there have never done that. I’d forgotten about what the ear specialist said until I was asked that, and I mentioned the ear pain. She had the dentist who owns the office come in. They did a quick test and told me it does sound like I have TMJ. The owner prescribed me a muscle relaxant–apparently what happens with me is I have muscle spasms and my ear muscles tighten up, and I know that I clench my teeth a lot when I’m awake–and he said if the problem continues to come see him for a night guard. I don’t think a night guard will help me, since I clench my teeth throughout the day and tense my muscles out of stress/anger. In short, if I have to work a job, I’m going to clench my teeth and tense my muscles. It’s not just during my sleep, if at all during my sleep.

The muscle relaxant seemed to help pretty quickly. I have had ear pain off and on since then, but not like what inspired me to go to the doctor. Until now. The problem is the muscle relaxant was prescribed for a one-time go. And I have exactly one pill left.

Like I wrote a couple of posts ago, I didn’t and don’t think the current neck pain is just from stress like it usually is. I realized that there’s a bit of a correlation, though, between all this crap starting up and my having more caffeine. I have been trying different things that will help me not feel dead for the first few hours I’m at work, and nothing was really helping. I had said that I didn’t want to go to anything that had caffeine in it, but it started to seem as if nothing else would work. So, I tried the Super C Energy berry mix, which has caffeine, a bunch of vitamins and a few other things in it. It actually does help me in the mornings, and it doesn’t make me sick like most other “energy” things with caffeine in it did.

But!

I’m not a coffee drinker, but I drink Coke and other sodas that have caffeine in them. I also swear by Excedrin for my migraines, which has caffeine in it. So, drinking Super C every weekday adds basically another full drink with caffeine to my days. I’m thinking that extra drink is one drink too many. My theory is all that caffeine is contributing to my having muscle spasms, which I’m starting to actually feel in other parts of my body, i.e. my feet and my face. But am I willing to go back to feeling like death every day at work for 3 or so hours? Uh, no. When I’m tired and can’t think, it makes my already-poor performance at work worse.

Instead, I’m drinking the Super C at work and not drinking sodas…which is torture. And, instead, I am even more tired when I get home. I basically took a five-hour “nap” after work, waking up after midnight (and I’m still tired). But so far, I’m not having the same level of pain. And I probably needed that nap to make me stop thinking about the Coke that I wanted. Unfortunately, now I am sitting in bed thinking about the Coke that I want. I’ve been drinking water in its place, which does nothing to curb my desire for Coke and other sodas. But it’s giving me the hydration that I probably need.

This is an issue I didn’t have at my last job, i.e. needing a lot of help to wake up mentally in the morning, because that job was far more active. The work I did woke me up. But at this job, I sit around waiting for phone calls, emails and staring at computer screens. At the job I had when I first experienced earaches, there was a lot of sitting around doing nothing. And it was overnight, so it wasn’t easy to stay awake, although it was better than my current job since I am naturally a night owl and not a morning person. They’re both jobs that allow me to sit around and drink caffeinated beverages at work whereas my last job wasn’t like that.

So, I’m going to give this a try for a while and see how it works. Thankfully, the weekend is coming, which means I can drink soda (not to mention I won’t have to go to work).

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Ever Think About How People Read You?

First of all, I know it has been about a week. But I haven’t felt that well. I mentioned in my last post that I was having neck issues, and I still am, among other issues. I think I have to find time to see a doctor.

So, there were a lot of problems today at work. Several people at work showed up today to find their email not working properly. Some of us were warned yesterday, so I knew it wouldn’t work unless I changed my email settings. I did that yesterday. There were still problems throughout the day, but at least I wasn’t blindsided like a lot of people were. It’s just another one of those examples of how maddeningly disorganized/un-communicative/fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants my place of employment is.

The female tech geek I work with and have been writing about works by herself for a while in the morning, so when she came in she didn’t know that about the email issues and couldn’t access her email. Apparently, she called our supervisor about it. Our supervisor asked me after FTG left work if FTG’s email was working by the time I got in. I told her, “I guess so.”

Our supervisor looked kind of surprised that was my response.

“She didn’t say anything to you about it?”

I responded, “[FTG] and I don’t talk to each other.” And I’m sure I sounded kind of…well, let’s put it this way: that I have my issues with her wasn’t hidden that well.

One of the guys responded that there’s too much estrogen in the room. But at various points, I have talked to each guy about FTG. Recently, I had spoken with the afternoon tech geek about how when I try to talk to FTG she usually either barely says anything or doesn’t say anything at all. So, I reminded him that we’d just talked about that and I let my supervisor know this. One of the field techs also recently talked about how he blocked FTG on IM because of how she IMs the guys there “yelling” at them about things, i.e. all caps and, I guess, just other clues that she’s not happy. I burst out laughing when he was talking about that, just thinking about what I wrote about in my last post. I didn’t tell the guys what happened between us, but we talked about how she IMs people. And I mentioned that to my supervisor as well, i.e. how she acts like she can’t speak to me and we can be the only people around but she’s IMing me.

My supervisor basically said the same thing a few other people have told me–FTG is like that with everyone. She even does something similar to the IM thing with our supervisor, apparently. And my supervisor said that sometimes it’s important that FTG communicate with other people there. Um, yeah–I know. Like I wrote before on this blog–I figured my supervisor pretty much already knows exactly what everyone there is like, what everyone does and what everyone doesn’t do, and I think this gave a certain level of validation to that idea.

But my supervisor also defended FTG…by saying she’s very shy.

Huh?

Is that true? It doesn’t always seem like that’s quite what the deal is. If I were shy, I can’t imagine that I’d essentially jump on almost every opportunity to solve client issues, which means interacting with those clients, i.e. answering the phone before everyone else has a chance to and stealing tickets right from other workers. That’s what she does. I also can’t imagine lasting in a job like ours for close to a decade being shy. I would be surprised if I am still working where I currently work a year from now because of the fact that I have to deal with so many people. I am not sure I totally see how she could be shy.

Look, I basically have social anxiety disorder. It’s not the same thing as being shy, but in many people who have it others mistake it for being shy. And some people with social anxiety disorder do allow it to make them act shy around other people. Recently, I have learned that social anxiety affects me in a variety of ways, but, no question, it only seriously affects me in two ways: 1) excessive perfectionism and 2) dating. And even then, the perfectionism aspect is the much bigger problem. Everything I do has to be right all the time, and I spend way too much time, thought, energy and feeling on that. Clearly, it is a big problem at work. I probably never would have noticed it otherwise, because I usually am very good at things I do. Up until the last four years, I was mainly in school, and I was always great at school. I had issues with perfectionism in school, but, except for some of my time in law school, it never made me unhappy anywhere near as much as it does now that I work because it’s far more of a struggle to be good at my jobs. I don’t like people to see me struggling or screwing shit up, and it causes me a lot of anxiety.

But dealing with people other than that, I think, is less about social anxiety and more about just flatout not liking people. It’s definitely not about being shy. I don’t feel shy around other people. I just usually have no desire to talk to them. I was shy when I was a kid, so I know the difference. It’s not the same feeling. Back then, I used to care if people didn’t talk to me or want to be friends with me. That stopped being an issue a long, long time ago. There are many people I know who are okay, but there are few I actually like. And even if I like someone, it takes two to make a friendship or a relationship. I have no real relationship with most people whom I like. I like two of the guys at work. I like my ex-girlfriend. But I hardly interact with these people. There are guys at work who say they hate people, but they have all these friends they hang out with, and one of them has a girlfriend. So, I can’t take them seriously. I genuinely leave people alone and want most of them to leave me alone.

I’m bringing all these things up for several reasons:

1) I said that being shy and having social anxiety disorder aren’t the same thing. And being shy and not liking people aren’t the same thing. But I don’t think most people understand that, in part because they can only go by the behavior they see. In a lot of ways, the behaviors are the same in all three of these kind of people. But I think shy people just don’t know how to talk to other people.

2) People who don’t talk to other people, regardless of the reason why, are judged negatively. I probably quit trying to talk to other people out of just being sick of people vs being shy back in junior high or high school. That’s when people started wanting to talk to me, especially in high school. That’s also when I started learning that people get ideas about you that don’t match reality. That happens to a certain extent with everyone, but with quiet people others almost never just read being quiet as someone being shy, liking to be alone, sick of bullshit or having something like social anxiety disorder. For years, I’ve gotten stuff like “quiet people cause the most trouble,” “I thought you were stuck up when I first met you” and different variations of just people thinking I’m racist, including towards my own race. Nowadays, I know that people are interpreting my lack of interaction as something other than what it is, and whenever it comes up I usually just flatout tell people that I don’t like people. It’s pretty much always guys who bring it up, and guys never seem to have a problem with my saying that.

3) Because people draw conclusions about other people based on interactions or lack of interactions and behavior–and those conclusions are wrong a lot of the time–it occurs to me that FTG could be shy and it just didn’t/doesn’t come off like that to me. I can be just like everyone else in terms of how they read shy people…although I think, for me, my issue is not that she doesn’t communicate but, rather, that she doesn’t communicate enough about the work when it’s necessary.

4) On that note…I mentioned some sentences ago that I, at some point, quit trying to talk to other people. Outside of important information needed to get our jobs done, I am perfectly fine if people there don’t want to communicate with me. I am also fine if people there are too shy to communicate with me. But just because someone is shy, that doesn’t mean I’m going to pick up the ball and go out of my way. That might sound mean, but, because of how I am, I can’t do that. If someone thinks that means I don’t like them…

5) I just think it’s funny how love works. I know I’m not the only person who sits around and wonders why some people are married and why others aren’t. I can’t understand how someone like FTG, shy or not, is married and how the two co-workers whom I said I like as people aren’t married, unless they just don’t want to be married. With FTG, I am just thinking more about logistics, i.e. the way she hardly speaks to anyone, for example. With my two male co-workers, it’s more like that annoying “you’re so great, so why are you still single” question a lot of people have the nerve to throw at others (I’ve definitely gotten that before–it’s irritating, never ask someone that). Being a lesbian, these are probably the only guys I’ve ever wondered that about. Neither of them are much to look at, but I think we’ve all seen repeatedly that this doesn’t really matter because we always see unattractive attached people. But they’re awesome guys, and if given the choice I’d rather marry one of them than FTG. So, what actually does matter to people? I think we’ve also all seen that people’s laundry lists don’t matter, either.

It’s just a trip to look around and see the types of people who have someone and the types of people who don’t. But that’s all based on how we read people we don’t even really know.

I’m Going To Have To Stop Watching WE TV Because of Kendra

They’re killing me.

I mainly watch the channel because of “The Golden Girls.” And, unfortunately, reality TV has taken over to the point where it’s basically impossible to not have at least one reality show you like to watch, unless you just don’t watch TV. Being a sports junkie, I mainly keep my TV tuned to sports. But it’s that time of the year when the best sports are just about done (I’m trying to watch the NBA playoffs–really, I am–but it’s just not the same as football, or even college basketball). But other than sports and old shows, I have been watching some of WE’s reality shows–“Braxton Family Values,” “Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best?” and even “Shannen Says.”

All three actually are kind of boring, but they have their moments. I definitely expected more from Shannen’s show. I love Shannen. I will not watch any episodes of “Beverly Hills 90210” unless she’s on it. As cheesy as those storylines were, those were the best episodes of the show. I even liked “Our House.” Shannen is cool. The show, though, wasn’t. Maybe if it didn’t focus on her getting married…

But I tell you one WE reality show I won’t be watching–that “Kendra On Top” crap.

WE is just crossing the line with that one. It’s sickening on so many levels, and WE is driving me nuts with commercials for it every single commercial break.

Kendra is some chick who got famous by using Hugh Hefner. She was one of three “women” featured with him on this show that came on E! TV called “Girls Next Door.” One of my friends watched the show, so I saw a few episodes. From what I could gather, Kendra seemed like she wanted to be black. The WE commercials they show kind of support that perception. She still comes off as very white. She’s not like the stereotype of that white person who can’t speak standard English, wears baggy clothes, only listens to rap, only hangs out with blacks and that kind of thing, i.e. a wigger. She’s more like the “I’m white, and I do and say ‘black’ things every now and then, but I’m very lame and poser-ish when I do it” type. Kind of like The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” white person. I remember this one episode of “Girls Next Door” when she took the other two “women” to see where she grew up, and they were kind of laughing because Kendra was always trying to make it seem like she grew up in the “ghetto.” Her house turned out to be this nice, suburban-type house.

I think about that episode a lot of the time when I see the commercial for this “Kendra On Top” reality show. And I also just think about…well…what a lot of people, particularly women, think about with the Playboy type of females. In other words, I get more judgmental than I already am.

I do want to share this thought:

I have realized that women who use their looks and their bodies to get ahead in society are smart women. It honestly just never would have occurred to me to do that, even if I could. These women don’t get credit for this. But I now just think about how I focused so much on doing well in school, academics and higher education, and I look at where I am now. And being intelligent academically and getting degrees have worked for a lot of people, and it’s still working for some people. It didn’t work for me, and there’s not much I can do about it. I know that I don’t have the looks to go out there and use that to open doors for me. But women like Kendra do, and I can’t really fault them anymore for finding some way to have the kind of life that they want. Other women, like me, still have to figure it out.

But she still gets on my nerves.

For one thing, do I really need to see a commercial featuring her every time a show on WE goes to commercial break? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again–I don’t like having anything or anyone shoved down my throat.

Second, although I understand she has the type of look that’s valued in society, I don’t find her that attractive. It will probably always kill me that women can be considered attractive just because they are thin, blonde, have blue eyes and/or dress a certain way.

Third, the commercials show her kid a little bit. And I can’t help but think, “I feel sorry for that kid.” Probably for the same reasons a lot of us maybe used to think about Britney Spears’ kids–and maybe still do–and just feel sorry for them.

Fourth…[sigh]…you know…don’t want to offend anyone. Not sure this is something I can make some people understand. Interracial relationships are one thing. Having and raising multiracial kids is another thing. I just think that not everyone is cut out for either of those things, but especially the latter. For instance, there are just some white people who have no business with mixed kids. I don’t know Kendra, so I’m not saying anything definitively. It’s just, going back to this lame, poser-ish “I relate to black people” act…the way she comes off makes it seem as if she actually doesn’t really know anything about being black. She’s actually kind of offensive.

For one thing, you can relate to black people without having grown up in the ghetto or pretending to grow up in one…um, because not all black people grow up in ghettos. I read a thing or two about her husband, Hank Baskett, and it seems as if he might be an example of that fact. For another thing, if you really grew up in a ghetto, you might be proud of the character it has instilled in you due to challenges you overcame, but you also know that it’s not a walk in the park or anything to glorify, unless you’re trying to sell records or make movies off it. And, for that matter, I think the average black person knows that being black is not a walk in the park or anything to glorify.

Yeah…kinda worry about someone like this raising a part-black kid.  And right now, her child barely “looks” black, which might actually be worse. A lot of the time, kids with that type of look would hardly be raised as black or in touch with what it means to be black. But with a parent like Kendra, the real danger might be that the kid gets raised with all kinds of ignorant, incorrect ideas about being black and won’t have much of an opportunity to find out any differently because he will be around a lot of white kids and, because of how he looks, won’t necessarily be treated the way a lot of blacks are treated. So, another reason I look at the kid and feel sorry for him.

Again, as I said, I don’t know her. Maybe she’s a fine mother. You never really know.

Either way, I can’t stand the commercials, and I know I’m not going to be able to stand it when the show finally airs.

So, I’m going to have to give up “The Golden Girls.” I know it comes on the Hallmark Channel, too, but those times don’t work for me. Like, right now, there’s the usual Monday marathon on WE. It’s on after work, and I can watch it until I go to bed. Every weekday, there are episodes on after work. But I just don’t think I can take it anymore, and Kendra’s show debuts on June 5th (I know because, as I watch GG, there’s a little thingy in the bottom righthand corner that tells me this garbage).

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Does Everyone Have One? My Shallow Thing

This morning, I realized that probably everyone on this earth has a shallow thing. A shallow thing is something about your physical self that you’d spend quite a bit of time and/or money working on just to increase your happiness. It might not even be anything anyone else has an issue with when it comes to your physical appearance. Oftentimes, it’s not. It’s just something that you don’t like and would rather change.

Common shallow things:

-A lot of women have issues with their breast size and either opt for breast augmentation or seriously consider it

-Hair coloring

-Acne treatments

-Trying to lose weight (although some would argue this is more of a health issue)

Now, I actually can relate to all the above-listed shallow things in some way, but none of these is quite my biggest shallow thing.

As far as breast size, I’m the opposite of some women. I have wanted to get a breast reduction at times. I used to really want one, but I have died down about that quite a bit. I probably would not spend money on surgery unless it became more like a health issue.

Coloring my hair is a very mild desire of mine. I’ve never done it, and I’m not sure I ever will.

Both of my sisters have serious acne issues. One of them has had these issues ever since she had chicken pox as a kid, so she grew up with serious acne and had to deal with that socially. My other sister, I’d say, has acne issues because of stress and hormones. She grew up with really nice skin. I have not had smooth skin since becoming a teenager, and I probably never will. I don’t have big acne problems, but you just can’t run your fingers over my face and feel nothing but smoothness. I tend to have what my mother calls “fine bumps.” They are really, really, really small bumps that seem to be right beneath the surface. I have not figured out how to get rid of these, but I am generally fine as long as there are not pimples, scars and dark spots.

Weight…ah. This should probably be my big shallow thing. It’s not, though. I could definitely write a separate post all about this issue. I guess all I can tell you right now is I pretty much never feel bad about my weight. I would like to lose some weight. I would like to have an easier time shopping for clothes, especially shirts (again, those damn big breasts and just general top heaviness). I do like to work out, depending on what it is, but I don’t look at working out as only–and maybe not even mainly–being about losing weight and being healthy (which, I hate how people act as if weight and health are inseparable/the same thing–again, a separate post).

So…the one thing I’m willing to open up my bank account and pour money out to fix and, thus, feel better about myself, regardless of what most people have to say?

My teeth.

I have wanted Invisalign for years…probably ever since I first saw the commercials on TV. I have just never really been able to afford it. I am now getting to a point where I can, if I’m not already there. The only thing is I’m supposed to be saving money to move. I also don’t have a car, and it’d be helpful to get one. It also just doesn’t, to me, make a lot of sense to get money and immediately spend it, especially since I have student loans. Still, money seems to burn a hole in my pocket. When I feel that I have plenty of it, I start coming up with all these things I want to get and I get them. Those things are usually tech gadgets. But now, especially since I have dental insurance through work, I’m starting to think more seriously about pursuing Invisalign.

Other than needing to save money to move, there’s another issue–working full time. I read a bit about getting Invisalign, and it just seems kind of like you have to visit the orthodontist a little too frequently. I just don’t know how I’d work this with a job. I don’t believe in telling employers, “I have to leave early,” “I’ll be late” or “I need to take a long lunch.” I did also just get this job not that long ago.

To back up…

I was the kid who needed braces but never got them. I don’t know that braces, back then, could have fixed everything. Basically, my top teeth are the issue. I have an overbite and a gap, and the teeth on one side of the gap stick out more than the teeth on the other side do. I’m not extremely, extremely self-conscious about this, but when I do think about it it’s the kind of thing I’d have no trouble putting down thousands to fix. I would not do it for my breasts, acne or weight, but I’d do it for this. I can totally see going into an ortho’s office and his telling me, “Oh, yeah, this will be $5000, and then there will be an extra $500 for this and an extra $250 for this” and I’m just like, “Oh, okay. Whatever.”

Not totally sure why. People can be asses about teeth, but people are definitely more so asses about weight–especially now when they can kind of cloak their comments about people’s weight in terms of “oh, it’s about health/taking care of yourself” when it’s often not (it’s about you not liking what you see in someone else). But as I said before, for me, it’s not about other people. If it were, then, surely, I’d care more about my weight than about this. It’s kind of like a physical pet peeve. I had someone whom I really liked tell me that she thinks gaps are sexy, and if we were happily married and I could get Invisalign to get rid of it I still would. With your shallow thing, other people just usually are not the point, even if they think the total opposite about your shallow thing than you do and view it positively when you don’t.

The thing is I didn’t realize I had this physical thing that I’d be willing to spend either a lot of time or a lot of money on to make it “right” until this morning. As I said, I’d wanted Invisalign for years. But it never clicked with me before that this was my “breast augmentation” or my “plastic surgery.” I used to think something was wrong with people who went out and had cosmetic surgery or botox, and now I have to rethink that.

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I Think I’m Paranoid

Just a little salute to a good 90s alternative group. 😉

Except maybe it fits the situation?

Bloggers, have you ever felt that the wrong person got ahold of your blog link and it made you hesitate to express yourself completely?

It’s been, what, four days or so since my last post. I probably could have posted some interesting reading two of those days, because some things have happened that I’m dying to share. But one of those things also resulted in my “paranoia.” Now I find myself thinking, “Can I write about this, or will it cause a problem?”

Obviously, this is not what I wanted to happen with this blog. I wanted to be able to complain freely about my life and have other people relate to the subject matter. I have thought several times over the weekend, “Go ahead–it’s your blog!” And I have also thought that maybe I’m just being paranoid.

But having the wrong person find my blog happened once before, back before I attended law school. It’s also not out of the question, in my case, for the blog to be found and people who know me to figure out it’s mine.

At this very moment, I am leaning more towards “screw it, it’s your blog” and letting the chips fall where they may. Honestly, I need the blog as an outlet. A complete outlet. And maybe I really am just paranoid.