I ran across these guys, like, a decade+ ago. I remember sharing my DeAngelo discovery with my best friend, and we just kind of laughed and talked about how stupid these “systems” for getting women are and how this crap only works on women with self-esteem issues. I definitely thought these guys with these systems were just jerks. Nowadays, there are a lot of systems out there, and I’m not sure how much variation exists among them. I suspect they say much of the same things.
Well, I’m about to say [write] something controversial:
It disappoints me greatly in women to realize and admit that there is a lot of truth in what these “jerks” think. I have now met decent, unique, intelligent women who seemed to be solid with themselves and who I thought would be above having to play games to keep them interested, and now I see they really are just like every other woman. I am starting to understand that, yes, if you like women romantically you have to play games with them.
Why did I, a woman, not understand this for well over a decade?
Well, because, frankly, I think and act more like men. I am the lesbian equivalent of the “nice guy.” I am realizing that’s why women don’t stay interested in me for very long. I am also looking back and seeing that when I attract women it’s pretty much always when I’m either being a jerk, being mysterious or just when I’m in a carefree place where I can take or leave the women around me and am just having fun. It’s never when I deeply give a fuck and she knows it, never when I want to spend all my time with her, never when I’m honest about everything, never when I’m giving her everything she needs and wants. You just have to hold back instead of laying it all out there, as if you’re playing cards or some such crap. You have to play it close to the vest, or the next thing you know you’re the damn doormat.
Admittedly, I often wish I were heterosexual, but not at all for the reasons most people would think. One of the biggest reasons why I have wished I were straight is because I know I would run the relationship with a guy as long as I were much the same way as I am now when it comes to interacting with men. He would care more than I would, and it wouldn’t involve my having to choreograph my moves and the things I say the way it’s apparently going to take with a woman. That might sound cruel. Why do I need to run things? That’s not how relationships are supposed to go. Maybe not, but when you’re always the one who is giving, doing, saying and then always ultimately getting dumped, you get sick of getting hurt. I can keep sitting here believing that I will eventually meet someone whom I can shower with all my feelings without being given the ole “maybe we can be friends” line before never hearing from them again and we can just be without fakeness or hiding anything from each other, or telling myself that there is a rare woman out there…or I can just spend the rest of my life alone. But I don’t think the latter is feasible, and I no longer find the former to be realistic. All of my relationships go, more or less, exactly the same way, which means something has to change.
I have been thinking about the last relationship I had a lot lately, and I don’t think it’s about wanting her back. I think I am starting to face some things and learn from them, which I think is moving me towards moving on and getting over that relationship. There are just so many things I’m learning from it, and I see so many mistakes. I was way too honest with her. And I could never see before how being honest is a bad thing, but it just is with women. I don’t mean you have to sit there and constantly lie to women, but you just don’t need to tell them everything about how you feel. I also need to exercise tons more self-control. Just because I feel like I want to be with someone all the time or speak to them all the time doesn’t mean I need to try to be with them all the time or speak to them all the time. I need to be busy and unavailable, even when I’m not. And there were times when I legitimately was busy, but I dropped things I’d normally be doing to be with her.
I need to read between the lines, too–or, more accurately, stop ignoring what I read between the lines just because I hear what I want to hear. I think there were a lot of things that I suspected, and she kind of denied them, only for them to either be admitted or implied in some way later on. And women tend not to be straight-shooters anyways, so reading between the lines is a must any way you slice it. You know what they say about actions speaking louder than words.
So, as much as I hate to do it, I’m now going to apply some of these things that I’m learning. I recently got this lady’s contact info and emailed her, and she responded after she got home from work. Normally, I’d sit at my laptop and email her back as soon as I get the email. But I’m going to wait at least a day and maybe longer to respond. I was honest upfront with her about one thing, i.e. the fact that I live at home right now because a lot of people have a huge problem with that in a prospective date/mate, and she said she doesn’t judge–which is crap because everyone judges–but we’ll see. Again, there will be further reading going on between the lines.
Tomorrow is my birthday and, thankfully, my supervisor was perfectly okay with my taking off work because work is the absolute last place on earth I’d want to be tomorrow. I tried to tell myself that I’ve missed enough work over the past month and I need to go in tomorrow, but I seriously couldn’t bring myself to tolerate it. So I’m just going to go shopping, enjoy my sports talk shows, rock out to some good music, sleep, maybe play a little basketball, eat some of my custom-made Michigan Wolverines birthday cake (my family has started having these made for me on my birthday and also had one made when I graduated from Michigan, as well) and just relax and try not to worry about women or work.