I Keep Thinking About My Ex

Okay, I’m just going to say [write] it:

I still have feelings for my–for lack of a better description–“ex” after over a year has gone by.

What exactly those feelings are, I couldn’t say. It depends on what mood I’m in, it seems.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m making progress and moving on. But it seems that every now and then I have a strong urge to talk to her or see her, and it goes on for days. Last year the urges were basically irresistible in that eventually I’d break down and contact her. I still can’t say that the urges have lessened that much, but I think I’ve reached the point where I’ll never contact her again. For starters, I know that I’ve contacted her more than enough since she decided to end everything between us for good. But, perhaps more than that, I am just really tired of always being that person. I always love more, care more, do more, come back more, contact more, etc. She has contacted me, like, once since the end. I have to leave it up to her if it’s ever going to happen.

She basically wanted to do what a lot of people call “no contact” for at least a year. Technically, it hasn’t been a year since we last communicated because I broke “no contact” so much. But if you go by when it all officially ended, it has been over a year. She told me she’d probably contact me after a year has gone by, kind of like we could be friends once we don’t have feelings for each other anymore. I know how I am, and a year is not enough time for me to get over someone unless someone else comes into the picture (I know–sad, but true). With the way my life is right now, no one is going to come into the picture. I mean, I work in IT, which means I usually work around a bunch of white guys. I don’t really work with women, and the last female I worked with on a daily basis was absolutely loathsome. Plus, when there are women around they’re usually either straight, white or both–not particularly interested in either.

The last time I broke “no contact,” the “ex” indirectly told me that she’d decided she wouldn’t attempt to communicate with me again. We did “meet” online, and from what I’ve been able to gather on some of the occasions when I broke “no contact” she has had a couple of bad experiences with other people from the internet. So she told me a rule she came up with, which is that she would no longer communicate with people online, just people she can see face to face. I interpret this to include me. After all, while she could see me face to face, I just don’t think she would at this point. At the same time, I know we met online, but I still don’t think I should be lumped in with other people she talked to online as if we all had the same type of relationship with her and meant the same to her. She told me several times I wasn’t lumped in with those other people, but apparently I am.

I did at one point indicate that I didn’t want us to communicate again in the future, so I guess I can’t complain too much.

I know a lot of people don’t understand how it’d be hard to let go of someone you never actually met. But truth be told, I think that’s a big part of the issue. We did everything except meet, and it bothers me that we never did. I still want to meet, and I often feel like I can’t move on without doing that.

And there are people who poo poo online relationships because they feel they’re fantasy or that you can’t really know the person or that there are people in “real life” you can date. Now, do I think she was totally honest with me? No. And I think about ways in which I felt/feel lied to. But a lot of those ways could be, and probably are, the result of her lying to herself first and foremost or just being naive…not actively trying to deceive me. As far as basic “is she who she says she is” stuff, I checked that out and it’s pretty true. And I already touched on the “real life” aspect, at least for me. It’s tough to meet someone at work, and then after work presents a problem because I live with my parents, who don’t know I’m a lesbian (even though they’re kind of stupid not to know that).

There’s not much I put past my “ex,” so it’s not a fantasy to me. I’m aware of what I do and don’t know, and what all I’ll probably never really know. But I was pretty honest with her. There’s really only one thing I can think of about which I wasn’t totally honest with her, and she should probably already know what that is and likely wouldn’t be that surprised if I admitted it to her if she doesn’t already know. It’s just one of those things you can’t be honest with women about, especially with a woman when feelings for each other are involved, that’s all. It’s something probably every straight guy knows and has had to be less than honest about at some point. But I didn’t lie about who I am or pretty much anything else. So I’m saying it’s not impossible to have an honest relationship with someone just because you met him/her online.

Regardless of how I met her, I still think about her daily for a lot of different reasons, including curiosity due to the fact that we never met. Related to that, I guess, is that it feels like we started something and never took it anywhere, never tapped into the potential. It’s worse than bad breakups, which I don’t really think this one was, to not really let everything play out and to have to spend the rest of time wondering about it.

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