Monthly Archives: February 2013

Making Friends At Work

It’s no secret that I’m not at all in love with my job. One of the things I disliked about my job when I first started, which might have been the biggest cause of any semblance of regret I felt about leaving my previous job, is the stark difference between the people I worked with before and the people I work with now. I had really come to like most of the people I worked with at my previous job, and most of them liked me.

Although I typically ignore people around me, hang with myself, am quiet–and although I like to think that it doesn’t really matter to me–it’s nice to not only have friendly co-workers but to also be liked by them. I couldn’t really say why, as far as being liked. I’d still honestly prefer to have my own office with a door I can close and just stick earphones in my ears all day, switching between sports talk shows and one of my painstakingly-prepared music playlists. My father doesn’t understand why I don’t want to speak to him in the mornings; my mother doesn’t understand why I don’t want to speak to her for a while in the evenings. Aside from just not being a morning person, I spend all day speaking to people and listening to people speak. Unless it’s about sports, it’s unnatural and exhausting for me.

Despite being like this, at my last job I had developed “work friends.” Work friends aren’t the same as real friends because I don’t spend time with/on these people outside of work. But I’d gotten a couple of outside invitations, and the two guys with whom I was closest participate in trivia every week and had gotten to the point of saying I should be there. The job before that, I had three good work friends. I found one of them recently on LinkedIn, and we messaged a little bit. But my current job is the one where I can say I distinctly felt early on that I wouldn’t ever have any work friends there.

I am not sure I can put my finger on why. A lot of it is age, but then, I do actually tend to get along with older people better anyways. The friend I messaged on LinkedIn is in his 60s. Frankly, it was probably a combination of age and race. But then, for some odd reason, I get along great with white guys a lot of the time (again, the LinkedIn friend is white). So, we have older white guys. Technically, that’s 2 for 2 in my favor, even though I didn’t realize it. Third, it’s the IT department, which means it’s filled with geeks, nerds, faux cool wannabes and crabby @sses. Now, I’m a nerd, but I’m not quite an IT nerd. My IT knowledge impresses people who barely know schitt, but I can’t say that I fit in with the average tech geek mentally or otherwise. I could probably spout off more knowledgeably about literature, grammar, psychology theories, philosophers and social issues–and why not? Those are actually the things I studied in college, not IT or Computer Science. So there’s that, too, but we’re still 2 out of 3.

It has been three months at my new job, and you know what I realized recently? I am liked at work, if nothing else. That will likely translate at some point to having work friends.

Several of my co-workers are a lot friendlier to me than they were a month ago, they speak more and for longer periods of time, they greet me when they see me, they sound happy to hear from me when I contact them and they are fairly eager to assist me (that last one is most important). It’s not just guys, either–I barely work with women, but this also applies to most of the women I work with.

When I spoke with the recruiter who placed me where I work about why I was missing so much work–and this was a couple of weeks ago–he told me he hears good things about me. And I was just thinking, “Okay, he’s talking about my supervisor and the guy who is supposed to be training me.” And I was also thinking he was saying that to kind of reel me back in a little, you know, because I don’t love it there. But then he told me he has heard from other people at my company. Apparently, someone told him I am a “breath of fresh air.” I damn-near asked him outright who it was, mainly just thinking he made it up, but if he wasn’t then just wanting to know who was crazy enough to think that. Then again, the first thing I ever wanted to be was an actress, and so maybe I actually do have the chops for that. I definitely do some acting at work.

The common thread through my last three jobs, though, is my work friends are always men. I definitely work almost exclusively with men at my current job, and, though I don’t have work friends yet, there are a couple of guys I see that starting to happen with. There’s also Lazy Tech, but I don’t think it’d be right to call him a friend since I rip on him so much and will continue to do so. My previous job was a small business, so, even though I worked directly with guys I was also in regular contact with women. My work friends there still were guys. The job I had before that one was a very big, very mixed environment, and, still, my work friends were guys.

I can’t figure it out, especially the white men part (for those who don’t know, I’m black). Even though I’m a lesbian, I tend to think I know more about men than most women do. I have just always felt that men are easier to figure out and are more transparent, more direct with their thoughts, than women are. Women are confusing as hell, to the point where I don’t know whether to laugh or just gawk in complete shock when women are frustrated with guys or a guy because they don’t understand XYZ about men or why men do ABC and such. It’s not usually even a “how can you not know this” moment so much as it is a “look who’s talking” moment. But there’s one thing I’m not sure of, and it’s related to the question of why I, a lesbian, “click” with men. And it’s not just the sports thing, because I don’t talk about sports with most guys at work.

See, my theory had been that men are nicer to women they find attractive. But I don’t consider myself attractive, and I am rarely told that I’m attractive. When I’m told that I’m attractive, it’s by black guys. Even though you can find examples to the contrary, my general belief is that white guys don’t find black women that attractive. You’ll find a lot of PC comments to the contrary and a lot of “Yeah, we like black women” types of things at times, but if you look around at society, dating and the kind of black women who are used to argue to the contrary–always the same, like, two or three black female celebrities–plus just throwing in the way I was told by white “friends” growing up that they don’t find blacks attractive–I cannot really shake the idea that, particularly, white men are usually not that into black women. It’s cool with me if they’re not because it’s one of the few things that makes me feel comfortable working with white men–that I know I won’t ever have to fend off unwelcome advances. I have never been wrong about that, either.

So maybe there’s another answer, at least in my case (because I still think men are nicer to women they find attractive). Maybe some men feel comfortable with me precisely because I’m not attractive and, being a breath of fresh air, because I’m not threatening. Men definitely like “nice” and “friendly” women, and, even though I am not these things by nature, I fake these qualities at work–apparently, pretty well.

Okay, but then why do I often have issues with women, or at least don’t get anywhere near the same level of openness and friendliness from women? Ah. Might as well not even get started on that one. Like I said–women are confusing as hell. I’m having to tell myself daily to stop with trying to figure out women, whether an individual one such as my “ex” or women in general.

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Women, Friendship and Being Self-Centered

So, I don’t know if anyone else in the blogosphere can relate to this, but…I think I made a mistake giving out my blog link to some of the people I know in my personal life. For one, it can keep you from writing about any and everything that comes to mind because you don’t want to hurt anyone or make anyone upset. Plus, I gave the link to my “ex” way back when, for what reason I no longer know, and now I regret that because I don’t think it’s right that she has access to what’s going on with me and I don’t have that same access to her life at all. I actually don’t think she reads my blog anymore, but that’s not the point. It’s very symbolic of the relationship we had. She always had all of me and I always had only part of her, regardless of how much she thinks she shared with and gave to me. All the things she never would tell me, the trust she never completely gave me, the chance that she never wanted to give or take with me to see how far things could go, the decisions she would make about me/us that seemed to include everyone and their thoughts/input but me/mine, etc. And now I have none of her while she still can know things about me if she so chooses. It was always either one-sided or lopsided, and somehow I’m still the one giving more and getting less.

Well, tonight I’m not going to worry, because I realized that I just don’t care much about anyone but me these days. At work, Lazy Tech is the typical extrovert, i.e. likes to fill the silence with talk about absolutely nothing, and I just cannot bring myself to pretend to care or listen out of politeness in case he gets offended. Much like at my other jobs, I zone out while other people speak, and people at my “new” job are starting to discover that as I finally got the “in her own world” comment last week that I have often gotten elsewhere. I just don’t care about my co-workers.

But that’s becoming true with my friends, too, and it’s time to admit it, however some of my friends might feel about the admission. My “friends.” I’ve been thinking a lot about friends lately, specifically my friendships with women. As I’ve written before here, friendships with guys are different. At least for me, there’s just not the same closeness and the same expectations don’t exist.

Look, I want good friends–I do. But I am just tired of selfishness. When I was growing up, the two biggest issues with female friends once you hit a certain age were being dumped for a guy and your female friends contacting you to go on and on about themselves and then suddenly have to go when it’s time for you to talk. Being in my 30s, the dumped-for-a-guy thing has completely run its course with the majority of my female friends to some degree. The other ones who are left seem to be of the “let’s talk about me” variety, and that’s precisely why I can no longer bring myself to care much about our friendships. Read my last post, and you will see some of the issues I have in my life. I don’t really need or want to sit and listen to someone else free-flow, especially when I’m not going to get reciprocity.

All of my female friendships have changed drastically at this point, and there’s no going back. We all have busier, complicated lives now, and it’s hard to not be self-absorbed, I know. But just as my friends are now self-absorbed, I need to be the same way. I have had issues with some of my friends becoming so self-centered and I guess I still do have issues with that simply because I can’t quite imagine being that way, but it makes me realize that I need to be that way, too, especially if none of them are going to be there for me. Still, it causes a rift that is just never going to be repaired, sorry to say.

I mentioned my “ex” before, and, this applies to her, too, because she was also my best friend there for a while. When she not only wanted to end the romantic side but also the friendship, I did tell her she was self-centered. She essentially said yes but that there’s nothing wrong with that. To me, a big part of the reason why she was/is self-centered is because, as mentioned above, she would often consult with everyone about what’s “best for” me, about our relationship, about the turn it should take and then inform me what she decided based on what everyone else said as well as what she felt would help her. But it was always also for my best interest, you understand. No, she didn’t talk to me about my best interest and when she did she’d basically ignore/discount what I said, so how could it have been for me at all? It was for her. It was all about her.

If breaking off the romantic relationship is best for her, even if it’s not what I wanted–which it wasn’t–then that’s one thing. But I never would have said I valued the friendship and will continue to think of someone as a friend in the same breath that I was breaking it off. If I’m breaking off a friendship, it’s because I no longer value it. It might not be the easiest or most comfortable thing in the world to be friends with an ex at first, but if I cared about the friendship I would try. Who’s to say she didn’t care about it?

The irony is she’s probably the only “friend” I’d want to hear anything about…and that is, again, likely because I never do. My other “friends” still text me, email me, IM me or include me on Facebook, so I know what’s going on with them, whether I particularly want to know or not. At the same time, with my “ex” I also know we could have a conversation and it’s not going to be predominantly about her like it is with my other friends. She’d ask about my job, she’d ask about my health, etc, and would have actual thoughts and comments about them, and it wouldn’t be out of a sense of politeness or obligation (hey–I never said she didn’t care about me, but one of us cares more than the other one does). That’s why, while whatever is left of a possible friendship between us is still very much damaged, I can still bring myself to care more than I can with my other “friends.”

Man, when I really sit and think about it, it’s funny how when we’re younger we look at adults in adulthood and think that’s the life. We think they have it all and can do whatever they want. Now I just feel like everything is so much harder and there’s always something that I’m losing (friends, girlfriends, free time) or in danger of losing (i.e. parents, jobs, health). We actually have more than just youth and looks when we’re younger, you know?

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And the Results Are…

So, I finally got the results back from the ultrasound on my thyroid. I have a nodule and a cyst, but they are both tiny. Since they don’t seem to be causing pain or issues with swallowing or anything big, apparently I’m supposed to just go back to the specialist after some time so I can get another ultrasound done and see if they’ve grown.

My mother came with me to see the specialist, and she was not that happy with him. She doesn’t really like his demeanor, and I know what she means. But she wasn’t happy with what she heard about my first visit to him a few weeks ago when he told me my throat was irritated but didn’t really do anything about it, and then he didn’t check it again today. She doesn’t think her ENT would have just left it at that–he would have examined my throat further. Now, thyroid nodules can cause issues with your throat and voice. Like I said, I don’t have issues swallowing, but something is definitely different with my throat in terms of how it feels, my voice sounds a tad different and I have a random cough when I otherwise don’t feel sick. This has been the case for weeks. And I don’t know where the nodule and cyst are located in relation to my throat. I wasn’t shown any pics from the ultrasound or told about location, but I’m not sure my ENT had that information, either. All the information he gave me came from someone else, some other doctor who analyzed my ultrasound, and the recommendation from whomever that was is for me to get another ultrasound done after a while to check for growth.

My mother thinks I should go to her ENT to have him look at my throat. If it is still irritated, it would have been irritated for at least three weeks or so, and that doesn’t sound normal. Maybe I should go her ENT, because I have been exhausted lately and I know that sometimes goes along with throat infections. For example, all I feel like doing on Sundays is sleeping–which is exactly what I did one recent Sunday, whenever the last one was that Michigan didn’t play a basketball game–and today I really could have slept all day. I made myself get up around 9am because my favorite sports talk show was coming on, and I never get to hear/see it anymore because of work, plus I would have to get up around 10am anyway because of my doctor’s appointment. I sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office trying to stay awake, yawning incessantly. My mother and I went out to eat after my appointment, and then when I got back home I just wanted to go to bed. I seriously don’t know how I make it through work when I go, but I think all the adrenaline of dealing with constant tech problems keeps me awake.

Last week I realized that “hating” my job might not be all about the work, especially since things have changed a bit after I spoke with the recruiter who placed me at my job about how difficult it is. It has still been challenging, but I just seem to be handling the challenge better and don’t feel as much like I don’t know what I’m doing. Of course, now that I’ve written that, my job will get rough again! But I get up miserable in the mornings, and I realized last week that I’m miserable in large part because I’m so tired in the morning. You see how it was a struggle for me to wake up at 9am today. Well, when I go to work I have to wake up around 7:30am. When I first started this job, I loved waking up around that time. I used to have to get up at 6am for the job I had before this one, and getting up a full hour and a half later was significantly better.

Now a lot of my thought process in the morning is about simply not wanting to get out of bed and being so tired. I mean, I had a day at work last week that made me feel as if I might actually be starting to like my job, and, still, the next morning I completely did not want to get up and go to work. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone, call my supervisor and say I’ll be an hour or two late, then go back to sleep. I’m late for work every morning nowadays anyway because I spend so much time in the morning sitting around in a fog. Since I can’t stand coffee, I’m not one of those people who gets up and heads straight for the coffee pot. So I don’t have anything that gets me going in the morning–the closest thing is the sports talk show I turn on in the morning, and I couldn’t do that last week because my DirecTV DVR quit working and I had to wait for the replacement DVR to come (I mean, there were other ways to do it if I really wanted to, but they would have made me even later for work trying to set up one of those ways).

I want DirecTV to burn in hell, by the way.

Either way, that’s it for now on the health front. I’ll think about going to my mother’s ENT.

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Maybe I Spoke Too Soon

I doubt it, but here’s the deal:

In my last post where I wrote about still having feelings for my “ex,” I mentioned that it takes me a long time to get over someone, unless someone else enters the picture. And I wrote that no one else would be doing so because I work with a bunch of men. And I do, and I spend so much time cooped up in the IT department because I have to be by the phones so that we don’t miss tech support calls from our company’s employees. We are allowed two 15-minute breaks, but I rarely take them because I am usually too busy. And because I have been leaving work early or taking days off due to doctor’s appointments over the past month, I have definitely been seeing less people outside the IT department lately. It had also been nice outside until recently, so I have been going outside more on breaks.

We have something of an on-site restaurant or cafeteria with a dining area at work, and I used to sit in there on a regular basis during my lunch break before I started missing work and taking off early weekly. This is the main way I encounter other people at my company who don’t work for the IT department, but I really don’t interact with any of these people. When I am in the dining area, I usually see the same people all the time. There’s a group of people who always either seem to sit with each other or have drive-by conversations with each other in the dining area.

I’ve been at my job three months now, and there’s one lady I have often seen with this group of people in the dining area. I usually either eat or just sit and mess with my phone (listen to sports talk shows, play games, listen to music, surf sites, IM or text someone, etc), so I don’t pay much attention to other people in the area. But I look around at times just to try and stay alert, and I had never seen this lady pay any attention to me.

As I mentioned before, the past three or four weeks, I have mainly either been outside during lunch or have not been at work for lunch time. But this week, parts of the South decided it actually is, in fact, winter time and now it’s all cold and rainy and 30-something degrees instead of 50 or 60-something and sunny. So back to the dining area I go this week after a few weeks of barely being in there.

As I was on my way there, I saw the lady coming out and she smiled at me. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything in the South. Southerners smile at and greet people they don’t know all the time, especially people they see often and get to recognize by face, even if they’ve never officially met them. It’s both good and annoying. I mean, when I lived in Illinois and Michigan, I got accustomed to people not doing that as much as in the South, and it was nice to not feel obligated to acknowledge, like, 80% of all strangers or else be seen as rude or stuck-up. When I came back down South, I had to readjust to the culture once again, and that was one of the more irritating things I had to get used to again. But in this case, this lady had gone two or so months without engaging in this behavior, and even in terms of now doing it out of face recognition I seriously did not know if she’d actually ever seen me before.

Yesterday, I went out to lunch with Lazy Tech and some guys from the employment agency that placed LT and I at this company. Ugh. The place we went to did not have one morsel of real “American” food or drink in it. Before I could even finish the first dish, my face and tongue were, like, 65% numb and I felt like barfing (even though the first dish was actually good). By the time I got back to work, my stomach was killing me, my head hurt, it was a struggle to keep my eyes open…I somewhat thought about going home (and to be fair, I get sick after eating a lot of the time after having surgery a couple of years ago, but it’s usually not this bad). Instead, I set out to find a real, refreshing “American” beverage and not Saki or some other weird schitt or alcohol. Yep, it was time to hit the soda machine in the dining area.

I raced to the dining area as soon as I got back to work, in dire need of a Dr. Pepper. And there the gang was in a booth near the door, with the lady facing in my direction. Even though I saw her, I didn’t really see her because I was in a hurry to get soda. My eyes glazed over the booth when I hit the room and then I looked away quickly, just focused on the destination. And suddenly my brain went, “Wait a minute. That lady is smiling at you.” So I looked back at her, and she was still smiling at me. I did the Southern thing and acknowledged her.

This time was a little bit different. She was in the booth with about three other people, and when I came in she stopped paying attention to them and looked at me the whole time. Even when I wasn’t really seeing her and was instead focused on my destination, looked away quickly and looked back, she was still smiling and looking at me in that way people do when they’re waiting to see if you will make eye contact with them. After I finally did make eye contact with her, I didn’t look at her again, so I don’t know what else she did after that.

And yes, she is pretty.

I’m not going to lie–there is someone else at work I’ve noticed, and she is in the IT department. There’s just something about her voice. And she totally sets off my gaydar. But I would not date her, for a few different reasons. One is that she is in the same department as me, and I see too many potential problems with that. Getting with someone outside of IT, like the lady from the dining area, would be way better, because it’d be way easier to avoid her if things don’t work out. I have to interact with the chick from IT and do so just about daily. And frankly, I mentioned in my last post that I don’t really want to date a white woman, and I’m not kidding. It’s hard to explain without writing another post…best way I can put it is I don’t feel like dealing with racial issues/differences. The IT lady is white, but the lady from the dining area is black. IT lady also smokes, and that’s just a big, um, NO.

Speaking of race, that’s the other interesting thing about the dining area lady being nice to me all of a sudden. Black women are rarely friendly with me, unless they’re significantly older than me. It’s usually black men, then white men (I get along great with white men, and they always end up my best friends at work, even when I worked at a predominantly black job–it’s really weird, haha), then white women and then black women. Dining area lady looks like she might be a few years older than I am, at best. I’m the youngest in my family and will be 32 in a couple of weeks, and the next youngest is 37 and a half…dining area lady just doesn’t look that age.

The one thing about black women, though, is they don’t play about living at home with parents. It doesn’t matter the reason why; they don’t date men or women who live at home. But I just can’t see living in the same city as my parents and not living with them, and I know that’s weird to a lot of people. It just seems like a huge waste of money to me, and maybe it wouldn’t if I weren’t planning to move back to Michigan or someone else eventually. That’s $600+ every month that I get to save towards my move or blow on whatever I want. I don’t think I could make most people understand that I love that and just like living with my parents, but definitely not a black woman, haha.

The point, though, is there might actually be someone in that big building in which I work. Maybe there will be more to come on that topic…

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I Keep Thinking About My Ex

Okay, I’m just going to say [write] it:

I still have feelings for my–for lack of a better description–“ex” after over a year has gone by.

What exactly those feelings are, I couldn’t say. It depends on what mood I’m in, it seems.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m making progress and moving on. But it seems that every now and then I have a strong urge to talk to her or see her, and it goes on for days. Last year the urges were basically irresistible in that eventually I’d break down and contact her. I still can’t say that the urges have lessened that much, but I think I’ve reached the point where I’ll never contact her again. For starters, I know that I’ve contacted her more than enough since she decided to end everything between us for good. But, perhaps more than that, I am just really tired of always being that person. I always love more, care more, do more, come back more, contact more, etc. She has contacted me, like, once since the end. I have to leave it up to her if it’s ever going to happen.

She basically wanted to do what a lot of people call “no contact” for at least a year. Technically, it hasn’t been a year since we last communicated because I broke “no contact” so much. But if you go by when it all officially ended, it has been over a year. She told me she’d probably contact me after a year has gone by, kind of like we could be friends once we don’t have feelings for each other anymore. I know how I am, and a year is not enough time for me to get over someone unless someone else comes into the picture (I know–sad, but true). With the way my life is right now, no one is going to come into the picture. I mean, I work in IT, which means I usually work around a bunch of white guys. I don’t really work with women, and the last female I worked with on a daily basis was absolutely loathsome. Plus, when there are women around they’re usually either straight, white or both–not particularly interested in either.

The last time I broke “no contact,” the “ex” indirectly told me that she’d decided she wouldn’t attempt to communicate with me again. We did “meet” online, and from what I’ve been able to gather on some of the occasions when I broke “no contact” she has had a couple of bad experiences with other people from the internet. So she told me a rule she came up with, which is that she would no longer communicate with people online, just people she can see face to face. I interpret this to include me. After all, while she could see me face to face, I just don’t think she would at this point. At the same time, I know we met online, but I still don’t think I should be lumped in with other people she talked to online as if we all had the same type of relationship with her and meant the same to her. She told me several times I wasn’t lumped in with those other people, but apparently I am.

I did at one point indicate that I didn’t want us to communicate again in the future, so I guess I can’t complain too much.

I know a lot of people don’t understand how it’d be hard to let go of someone you never actually met. But truth be told, I think that’s a big part of the issue. We did everything except meet, and it bothers me that we never did. I still want to meet, and I often feel like I can’t move on without doing that.

And there are people who poo poo online relationships because they feel they’re fantasy or that you can’t really know the person or that there are people in “real life” you can date. Now, do I think she was totally honest with me? No. And I think about ways in which I felt/feel lied to. But a lot of those ways could be, and probably are, the result of her lying to herself first and foremost or just being naive…not actively trying to deceive me. As far as basic “is she who she says she is” stuff, I checked that out and it’s pretty true. And I already touched on the “real life” aspect, at least for me. It’s tough to meet someone at work, and then after work presents a problem because I live with my parents, who don’t know I’m a lesbian (even though they’re kind of stupid not to know that).

There’s not much I put past my “ex,” so it’s not a fantasy to me. I’m aware of what I do and don’t know, and what all I’ll probably never really know. But I was pretty honest with her. There’s really only one thing I can think of about which I wasn’t totally honest with her, and she should probably already know what that is and likely wouldn’t be that surprised if I admitted it to her if she doesn’t already know. It’s just one of those things you can’t be honest with women about, especially with a woman when feelings for each other are involved, that’s all. It’s something probably every straight guy knows and has had to be less than honest about at some point. But I didn’t lie about who I am or pretty much anything else. So I’m saying it’s not impossible to have an honest relationship with someone just because you met him/her online.

Regardless of how I met her, I still think about her daily for a lot of different reasons, including curiosity due to the fact that we never met. Related to that, I guess, is that it feels like we started something and never took it anywhere, never tapped into the potential. It’s worse than bad breakups, which I don’t really think this one was, to not really let everything play out and to have to spend the rest of time wondering about it.

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The Quadruple Whammy–Work, Health, Sports and V-Day

Last week I visited one of the specialists to which I was referred by my doctor after blood tests came back normal for my kidneys, liver and thyroid. He examined my neck, as well as took a look at my throat. My neck did seem swollen to him, but he didn’t feel anything. The interesting thing to him was my throat–he said it was red and irritated, and he asked if I had a sore throat. I was a little surprised to hear that my throat was irritated because it wasn’t bothering me. But for several weeks I have had a cough, even though I haven’t been sick. It does always feel as if there is something in my throat, and my voice is slightly more raspy, like it gets when I talk too much or yell too much. Both doctors I’ve seen have asked if I have issues swallowing, which I don’t.

So my specialist decided that I should have an ultrasound done on my thyroid, and he had me make an appointment with one of the ladies in the office so that I could go to another facility for the ultrasound. I went and had the ultrasound done today, and I will have to go back to my specialist to get the results when they come in. The lady performing the ultrasound took a lot of pictures on the side of my neck that is swollen. I am not totally sure how much information she had about the issue. The sheet that I saw that was faxed over to them only said “thyroid nodule” on it (other than my name, the procedure and such)–it didn’t mention a side, and she didn’t spend time looking at my neck or anything. So I thought it was interesting that she spent a lot of time on that side and took a lot of pictures vs the other side of my neck.

I had to talk to my supervisor a little bit about what’s happening since I have to leave work all the time to see doctors and such, which is something I didn’t want to do. I just don’t really want to talk to most people about this, especially not people I’m not close to. I have friends who don’t know about this and probably won’t find out without reading my blog, unless it gets serious. My co-workers don’t know.

I did call the recruiter at the employment agency that placed me in my current position and told him about it so they’d know I’m taking several half-days and taking other days off. It’s weird, but I also used this news to ease into talking to my recruiter about not being in love with my job because I really was uncomfortable with having to tell him I’m not liking my job. But I’m to a point where I can’t just keep telling him that everything’s fine at work.

He was really cool about it. He basically told me he has gotten calls from just about everyone he has placed in IT positions where I work about how overwhelming the job is and kind of said the same thing they said about it taking months to get the hang of it. I told him that I question whether or not I can really tolerate not feeling like I know what I’m doing for 6+ months but that I planned to do so. I also told him that I have learned that this is how tech support jobs are and that they’re not for me because of that. I love repairing electronics because I can be left alone with them to just do my job. So we’re probably going to wait a while and then see how I feel and if I want a different kind of position.

So I think it has taken approximately two months for the love affair with the extra amount of money I make on this job to end, and now it’s getting more towards thinking, “Okay, this is too stressful.” People at work tell me it takes months to grasp the job, but I think about the tech support job I had before where I never truly felt like I grasped it. It got easier in a lot of ways eventually, but I definitely ended up in uncomfortable situations more often than someone like me can tolerate. I’m just one of those people who always likes to have the answers, always likes to be the best and never likes to look stupid or say “I don’t know.”

This is where I am right now–lots going on in my personal life as well as with my career, and I haven’t even touched on relationships or the fact that I am successfully acting like Valentine’s Day is not around the corner (for the most part, I completely forget about it, except now there are more and more commercials about it). Frankly, I’m depressed right now, but you won’t believe why. The order goes something like this:

1) My team just got smoked in college basketball. I never turn games off. I sit and watch my team lose from start to finish when it happens, but I had to walk away from this game. I am staying away from sports networks, articles, talk shows, etc, at least for the rest of the night, which is unusual for me, but I know they will talk so much about this game. I was not depressed before that game. People who aren’t into sports don’t get it, I know.

Just think of a time when, say, you built something or someone up so much and had all these visions of how great things were going to be and then the moment you realized it wasn’t going to be that way. That moment was tonight for me with my team this season. I decided I’m not going to go to the Final Four in Atlanta–they won’t be there. We’ve got a good month to go in college basketball yet, but I already can see this. I was going to wait on the results of my ultrasound before I made any changes to my plans to go to Atlanta in April, but now there’s no reason to wait.

2) My job. Just the normal “I have to go to work in the morning” dread, but it played a role in my turning the game off. I figured that I spend enough time being put through garbage during the day without forcing myself to sit through garbage in my spare time in the evenings. I try to be a real fan and not just be there for the wins, but I’m realizing after sitting through 3 losses in less than two weeks that this crap should only go so far when you have other schitt going on in your life that makes you unhappy.

Right now I’m not even worried about my ultrasound but still, for some reason, can’t bring myself to talk about it with anyone I know other than my mother and the two people I told for work-related reasons. That’s why I haven’t posted more about it until now, and even with this post it took inner prodding to go ahead and write it. I don’t want to think a lot about it, at least until I know something.

Hope you enjoyed reading about another person’s bullschitt, if you did–thanks, hahaha! 😉

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My Meeting With My Supervisor

Today was probably the worst day I’ve had at my “new” job since I’ve been working there. Then around mid-day my supervisor sent me an email that he wanted to meet with just me this afternoon. So, of course I’m thinking that even as bad as things had been up to that point they’re going to get worse. Meetings with bosses, managers, supervisors and the like are rarely called to tell you how well you’re doing, and it’s too soon for me to be getting a raise–not that I’ve earned one. Plus, I could kind of tell by the meeting topic that this meeting was going to be about a problem.

I told Lazy Tech about the meeting shortly after I learned about it because he’d have to take calls and respond to emails by himself while I was in the meeting. And I think originally he thought that the meeting would include both of us, but before he could look for the email in his inbox I told him the meeting was just for the supervisor and me.

Now, let me give a general description of what my day was like. I handled difficult after difficult time-consuming tech issue all morning while Lazy Tech sat on the other side of our cubicle being…well, lazy. To his credit, he knew I was busy on the phone with schitt that wasn’t going to be fixed any time soon, so he did take care of emails. There are certain things only I handle and certain things only he handles, though, and as I was on the phone there were some emails coming in for issues I handle. Those were left for me to deal with after I got off the phone. So, LT would respond to less-demanding emails and then play with his phone and surf the internet on his work computer (we’re no longer allowed to use our laptops at work, so LT has adjusted by visiting sites on his work computer, which is something I wouldn’t really do). It was going to be a busy day for me, and when my supervisor sent the email about an afternoon meeting I really felt that not only was it more bullschitt added to my day, but it was also another time-consuming thing that I didn’t have time for.

Anyway, meeting time arrived. Now, my job is similar to working as a lawyer in a law firm in terms of having to bill hours. Still, I get paid 40 hours a week regardless of how much “billable” work I do. It’s just a matter of whether or not the money comes from my department or other departments. When I don’t bill enough hours to other departments, my department takes the loss. That’s basically what the meeting was about–my supervisor feels they have been taking too much of a loss, and he was trying to figure out why.

Well…

I mean, there are several reasons. For starters, my supervisor knew when he hired me that there wasn’t going to be enough work for two people to bill a full work week outside of our department because he told me that he’d have me doing what I do now, as well as doing another position, so that I could bill enough time–and he told me this before I was hired, and then again several times afterwards. But over two months in, I’ve only been doing one position. So…this is partially his fault.

Second, LT works slightly different hours than I do, and his hours are more in line with the peak hours in terms of work volume.

Third, LT does leave a lot of work for me that isn’t billable.

Fourth, we’re just not that busy most days. Even LT doesn’t bill a full 40-hour work week, but it’s worse for me because of the hours I work and because of how LT will sometimes jump on work he knows is billable before I can get to it.

I mentioned reasons 2-4 to my supervisor.

So, my supervisor seems to be back on that two-position idea.

Of course, after the meeting, LT wanted to know what we talked about. So I told him.

Do you know what happened?

LT got pissed!

Why?

Because if I start doing the other position, apparently that will mean LT has to do more of the tech support. It seems that this was done before with the tech who worked with LT before I did. We have a phone queue at work, i.e. tech calls alternate between me and him. But if I move to another floor at work so I can do the other position, the phone queue won’t alternate–LT will get every phone call as long as he’s available. I will still have to do about half of the emails, and I will definitely still get phone calls. But the majority of phone calls will go to LT, according to him.

Schitt, that sounds really good to me! For one thing, he has way too much free time at work. Do you know how annoying it is to always be working on something while your co-workers just sit around and play with their computers, iPhones, iPads, etc? For another thing, I’m not going to complain about talking to less people. That’d be perfect, actually. And my job is too difficult right now. The less phone calls I take, the easier it will become. I don’t know all the details of what the other position is like, but it really just sounds like processing paperwork, handling software and shipping/receiving tech equipment (and doing whatever needs to be done with the arrivals)–just a lot less stressful and more process-oriented, which is up my alley (as opposed to being thrown into the middle of solving any and all tech issues with no set-forth process whatsoever). And my supervisor said I’d definitely have no trouble billing time this way. The only bad thing is, since I’d be on a different floor, it’d be harder to communicate with other people in the IT department and get help when I need it since most of them are on the floor I work on now, but I will still be working with someone in IT and can IM/email/call people in the IT department.

So, the meeting might not have been all that bad for me. LT isn’t happy, though, and he said that if they do move me to another floor so that I can be more hands-on with equipment and software that he was going to talk to our supervisor about it. LT is hysterical. He acts like he does so much work. It’s like he doesn’t realize that he spends a lot of time surfing the internet and playing with his phone and running around socializing.

And call me evil for this, but there was one other thing today about LT that entertained me.

I took a phone call from an employee who started asking me about LT, i.e. how long he has worked there and what his last name is. Then she told me something like, “Well, I don’t really want to talk to him again. I spoke to him earlier about [blah blah] and he was rude. Maybe you can help me.” And I could tell by the issue she described which call it was, and he was rude. He is rude with several people daily, and this is what my co-workers were talking to me about a few weeks ago. Anyway, her call was a lot like calls I used to get about him at the previous place we worked at together, and the fact that she asked for his last name sounds like she is going to report him. Of course I totally gave it to her. 😉

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