You know how when you break up with someone, there is almost always a song that fits? Maybe not perfectly, but it reminds you of your situation quite a bit?
This was not a breakup, really. Something like a breakup happened last year. A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that the last woman I was involved with told me we shouldn’t communicate for about a year or so after that breakup, and I had to decide if I really needed or wanted to try and be friends with her at some point. But telling me maybe we could be friends someday instead of being my friend now or never, I feel, just kept me on a string vs getting closure and moving on emotionally.
So today, I got closure. “Closure.” It has always sounded so fake and cheesy, hasn’t it? But sometimes you really do need it. It didn’t feel good at first, and there will probably be other times when it doesn’t feel good. But afterwards, I thought about it, and all of my thoughts are ones I’ve had before that now make me wonder why I didn’t go ahead and do what I already knew I needed to do sooner. Repeatedly, I’ve thought to myself about how I’m just in limbo unless I completely cut her off or get her back in my life in some active fashion. And repeatedly, I’ve thought about…well…the lyrics to the song “Someday” by Mariah Carey, basically.
I need to emphasize that I don’t mean what I’m about to write to come across as vindictive or bitter or anything else negative, although it probably does. I don’t have the best feelings in the world towards her, and I probably never will again. And this is not meant to be a message to her. I am writing what’s on my mind right now and, really, what’s been there for months–just wasn’t able to articulate it until today–and I hope someone else relates to it or realizes this is how he/she should look at a breakup.
Here it is:
Honestly, I just think she’s stupid. She’s incredibly intelligent, which is my one of my top two or three favorite things about her, but she’s just a damn moron when it comes to love and relationships. And I don’t mean “inexperienced”–I mean exactly what I just wrote.
When I hear songs like “Someday,” I normally can’t relate at all (I’ve never even particularly liked the song that much). I have just always thought it was crazy to sit there and talk about how great you are and assure someone that he or she will be sorry he/she ditched you. But that’s seriously how I feel. I am not into self-worth aggrandizement. “I will survive,” “big is beautiful,” “black power,” “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it”–not for me. Typically, I’m the type of person who sits around trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I can fix it. So, that’s not the reason why I say she’ll be sorry. I just know me, I know her and I know lesbians. If she thinks she can find someone else better for her than me someday, good-freakin-luck. It’s gonna be hella hard.
She can say, for whatever reason, that she’ll never have a relationship with a woman or can’t have one any time soon, and I can say the same thing for the reason that I’m tired of crap like this happening. But I probably will have another relationship at some point, and so will she–official, unofficial, whatever. It’s too hard to avoid. Regardless of the point any of us is at in our lives or the circumstances or what we tell ourselves, it’s really beyond our control 99% of the time that we’ll meet someone and something will happen. So, when it happens again for her, I strongly believe that eventually she’ll realize that things she said and did…she had no idea what she was saying or doing, that it’s not always the way Hollywood and fairy tales portray it and she was wrong. She may or may not miss me now, but she will when she sees what else is out there and compares them to me. It has already happened a couple of times with her, and it will happen again. This is why I said she threw our friendship away. Truthfully, she threw more than friendship away. She’s going to have a hard time finding something and someone so valuable elsewhere.
Whether or not I turn out to be right is of no consequence to me. During my lunch break away from work, I just looked at the lyrics to the song and laughed.