I’ve been busy this last week, but that’s not why I haven’t had any new posts. I got hired to write for a sports site, so I will have that and my college football blog in addition to my full-time job. I also got a call about one of the IT positions for which I applied. So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. For one thing, I’m trying to figure out how I can schedule a job interview for that IT position when I work full time during the day at a place that is not that flexible about time off for people who do my position. I’m also thinking a lot of different things about sports writing, as well as constantly trying to come up with stuff to write about college football (a little challenging, given it’s the summer and not football season).
Of course, I’m also continuing to just take general inventory of my life and my career. Just as when I worked for my last employer, I question whether or not I really want to leave for another job. In many ways, things have gotten better at work. But I also feel that some people at work are really starting to show their true colors, i.e. my last post about my co-worker. Between that and some of the annoying clients I deal with, I feel more and more like I need a job where I hardly have to deal with people. This is something that makes writing appeal to me all the more. I have thought a little bit about just writing full time. If I were going to be a sports writer full time, I’m not sure it’d be stable enough for me at the moment. I could get on with several sites at a time and draw paychecks from several directions, but what if one of those sites goes under or stops doing as well as it’s doing right now? I also don’t necessarily want to stop working in IT, but I don’t want to freelance in IT.
My mother told me today that, with all the people who come out with books nowadays, she can’t believe that I still haven’t written a book yet. It’s hard to devote yourself to finishing a book when you work full time, especially when you work in a field that is not creative. I have started a couple of books since I graduated from graduate school, but I haven’t started the kind of book that makes me feel like I can’t wait to get off work so I can write another chapter. I haven’t had that feeling since one particular book I was writing while I was in college. I just haven’t found the right story or subject yet.
On top of all that, though, I have also been thinking a lot about my last romantic relationship for some reason. My ex-girlfriend, for lack of a better way to describe her, told me months ago that she didn’t think we should try to be friends or communicate with each other for at least a year. Well, this past week I’ve been thinking about whether or not I should ever try to be friends with her. On one hand, the friendship was incredibly valuable. She never seemed to understand why it was so valuable to me. But I am always around people with whom I have very little in common and very little to talk about, and it was refreshing to have someone in my life with whom I had a lot in common and an endless supply of things to discuss. It is just very hard for me to meet people who are like this.
On the other hand…I have a big problem with the fact that I’m in the position I’m in now, which I feel is not of my doing or my choice. It’s hard for me to forgive someone who has basically told me she can’t be friends with me or talk to me, or doesn’t want to right now, and she’ll let me know when it’s okay for her. I don’t really care about the reason. And I’m tired of all these relationships–both friendships and romantic–in which someone else calls most of the shots. There shouldn’t be such a lack of balance where so much is about the other person or on the other person’s terms. I have to think about me, what I need and what I want. For me, I need and want the type of friend I had before, and that person is not there for me when I need her. It’s not good enough, and all week I’ve felt that I can’t forgive that. I guess that I feel she has ruined and/or thrown away our friendship, and I can’t forgive that. Is it fair or accurate to say she has ruined it? I don’t know. Thrown away? I do think that’s, at least, accurate. I’m also just tired of caring about everything more than everyone else does, including our friendship.
Could I get something out of the friendship later? Yes, definitely. But I am not sure we can ever just be friends and have a normal friendship with nothing more there. Frankly, I don’t see how we could. We probably never would have been able to. And if I say that, then I think that’s the same as saying no one ruined our friendship. We just never could have been plain ole friends. I also don’t want to return to the position of relying on the friendship and then have it yanked from me again for the next reason, whatever it is. In short, I don’t want to be where I currently am again with her.
But just as with my jobs and my career, I never can stick with a decision on this. Next week or next month I might have a different perspective on this. But if I’m right that we never could just be friends, with no one deciding she doesn’t want to or can’t handle it or she has romantic feelings, then…boy, I hate the thought of that. Being more than friends is not really an option, so it’s either friendship or nothing. Part of me would rather that these weren’t my only two choices. But since this is what I’m stuck with, this is what has been on my mind–friendship or nothing.
I don’t know why I’m even thinking about it. Knowing her, she’ll probably make a decision for both of us. Maybe that’d be a good thing for a change.